The best part about shitting yourself at a urinal is that you're already in a bathroom so you can clean up.

The worst part about shitting yourself at a urinal is that you shit yourself.

I used to think bears were cool but not after seeing this. Everyone knows the best way to eat a steak is charred and covered in vanilla yogurt.

The strait of Hormuz is a McDonald's ice cream machine.

My aunt's dentist used to do this every February when he'd send out Valentines to all his clients. He said the acidity from the salsa helped negate the sugar from the Oreos so you could eat them instead of brushing your teeth.

Everyone stopped taking his advice when he started gifting them all didgeridoos full of piss though. It's a shame but what can you do.

It's real, I've met all of Obama's dads and they really do call him the cigarette crab. I don't think he's ever been to Japan and I don't understand why the owner called him Mr President though because he's never been president.

I've got one of these that my grandma made for me when I was 7. She used to go scavenging for dead animals in the local parks for taxidermy purposes and she made me one with various parts she found of Cardinal, Robin and squirrel paws. It's the cleanest soap dispenser I've ever used and now that I'm almost 50 I still use it every day. My wife hates it because it's old and falling apart so I told her when she dies I'll have a taxidermist turn her into a new one.

Where can I buy this? I'm on a mission to turn all of my sperm into plastic so I have an endless supply for my 3d printer whenever I jack off.

These people went on to develop a pornographic dragon quest parody game called knobster quest. It's a game about a lobster made of dick skin who's quest is to defeat the giant clam that holds the secret of the ocean(the secret is that the ocean is a big pool of cum in my dog walkers back yard). Great game but the fleshlight controller you need for it is pretty expensive and also useless if you have severe erectile dysfunction. I tried returning it but I guess you can't return used fleshlights to Giant Tiger because they don't sell them there. Oh well, there's 377 bucks down the drain. Maybe I'll get some boner pills so I can play their knobstronaut game when it comes out, I've heard you play as a normal human astronaut but your spacesuit is made entirely of foreskin.

My local brothel serves eggs bonerdicked for breakfast on Sundays before church and I've been requesting corn for months now but they never put it on the menu, it's distressing

She used to put coffee beans in my asshole but then I asked her to stop and she stopped.

Don't forget the classic "I got it on on Epstein's Island and all I got was this shitty presidency and my victims will probably never face justice because I'm such an old piece of shit but everyone also hopes that my cult followers will pull a Jonestown when I'm gone so they can follow me to the promised land and we can eat unlimited hamburgers and diet Coke but because I went to hell all I get to eat are tacos Al pastor made by a guy who's never heard of Mexico while a bird named Gerry feeds another bird named Gerry some pie made out of my eyeballs"

The last time my brother's aunt got COVID she told us she cured it by putting candy corn in her asshole. After that she started doing it every day as if they were multivitamins but she was diabetic so she fell into a coma and eventually died, this was 8 years ago so I have no idea how the hell she got COVID in the first place. Rest in peace Gary-Ann.