Kyrgizion

As stated in the title. I've worked in IT for over 15 years despite having no related degree.

I've been closing tickets nonstop at my current company for almost 10 years. After several restructurings and shuffling of higher posts, it has become clear to me that while this employer isn't the worst out there, I will never be internally promoted or have my job duties changed if I don't leave.

Worse, ever since Covid I've started falling out of love with IT and computers in general. I used to be stoked to learn about all the new developments in tech, nowadays, not so much - the only "innovation" I've seen in the last 10 years was companies trying to make absolutely everything a fucking subscription model. Now I honestly don't know nor care what's in the newest tech stack, how security has evolved,... I just want my shit to work and not having to worry about everything under the hood.

So getting another helpdesk- or related job seems out of the question for mental health reasons.

What would be another niche or industry where someone with an analytical mind and a greatly developed loathing for corporate mooching could find their spot in the coming two decades or so?

I've long since accepted that I'll never be able to climb any ladders anywhere since I never had the right contacts or stayed long enough, so it would likewise have to be something I could mentally and physically endure being in the bottom rungs of for the aforementioned duration.

Was the best moment of the day by far. Thanks for the li'l boost, fluffy princess!

Guess I'll die 😬

Spoiler: I'm out 500€ and don't feel any better by any stretch of the imagination. The therapist in question has since blocked me, after I asked her for a reference for a colleague and she refused to give me one, and I accused her of only being in it for the money.

It's also pretty sad that with everything we already have to suffer, people exploit our explicit weaknesses hand over fist and society rewards them for it.

I suppose the majority of us plebs simply exist for the pleasures of our owner class, and seeing us squirm in agony just trying to stay alive day by day is amusing to some, and a source of income/riches for others.

I wish I had the intelligence, balls and black heart of one of these people. Compassion and integrity get you nowhere, ever, except a fast track to poverty.

At this point I don't mind if climate disasters or war do me, or anyone else, in. The sooner the better. I'm too much of a coward to do it myself anyway.

I'm 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.

I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I've tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.

I'm a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.

At this point I don't see any reasons to continue trying.

If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.

But as for me, I'm so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.

Not to be "edgy". It's emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don't enjoy/wish for human suffering.

I've just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.

I'm tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn't wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.

EDIT; I can't reply to everyone individually but thanks for all the suggestions! Opiates are out of the question, doctors here will only prescribe those in terms of absolutely extreme suffering or end of life care. I also don't particularly feel interested in developing a hard drug habit. Diclofenac and such are available but also only on separate prescriptions, I'd have to visit another doctor for that. I'm well stocked on paracetamol & ibuprofen, and apart from that, lots of ice cream, pudding & soup :)

Also, since a fair few people seem to doubt the veracity of my story, here's the 22 extracted teeth (the other 10 were already gone in previous extractions).

Even IF you somehow manage to navigate today's maze of failures, rejections and heartbreak, what is your reward? To live yet another day in misery? To wait until climate change, war or disease does away with us?

A reward would be to be able to rest. I don't mean death per sé, but it seems like that's the only real-life thing left available to people like us.

Yes, yes, I know very well that "if nothing has meaning, YOU get to choose the meaning". Except I don't. Maybe if I was rich or powerful. But I'm poor, in poor health and powerless.

I read Camus' Sisiphus, and I, for one, cannot possibly imagine him happy.

Apparently it's perfectly possible to owe the IRS tens of thousands, and then just make up debt and point to a random person telling the IRS to go after them... ...and they will simply draft up a letter, demanding you to pay this outstanding, ficticious debt within two weeks.

What. The. Fuck.

I know the person who claims that I owe them 15k. It's my weed dealer. I also know he has legal and financial issues, so I assume he somehow told his creditors that I owed him a lot of money, and there is no law requiring verification.

So... Either I pay 15k € I don't actually owe, or I get a lawyer to dispute it, which will also be several thousands, none of which I am responsible for.

I'm not currently in debt but I also don't have any savings.

I dunno man, it seems like in this world it's just not possible to go a single year without being accused/hounded/... no one gives a fuck and everyone just wants "theirs". Which would be fine if people would leave me alone and not try to get their grubby mitts on what little I do have.

Fuck.

It took ~5 minutes and there was ZERO pain.

I even anticipated this. There was no reason to think it would be hard in any kind of way.

Why am I like this?? Why is my brain such mush when it comes to my executive functioning while several other parts of my mental being are more than fine or even slightly supercharged (when I'm not depressed or out of mania)

The kicker? The appointment isn't for a doctor or a dentist or something else that would be "normal" to dread.

It's an appointment to pick up a brand new company car. A 2023 Mercedes EQA to the tune of 50K€. Most people would JUMP at that kind of opportunity, but not me. No, I sit there contemplating whether I even deserve a car that costs twice my annual salary, and that I'm just deluding myself into thinking I'm a valued part of society, that someone will realize they made a mistake and such a car was never meant for me (or "anyone like me").

This after a double dose of 15mg ritalin, by the way. Without it I would never have been able to push myself over that limit to begin with.

Fuckin' a...