As the election looms over the face of America, current president Biden may not be taking it so well. He was reluctant to give up his run in the current election but after he fumbled the debate with Trum, he made the decision to step down allowing his VP Kamala Harris to take the helm. So when members of his cabinet were asked about nuclear weapons, they were more than alarmed. “It’s a highly unusual request” said chief of staff Jeff Zients who reported the incident to the Pentagon.

“Biden is missing?” national security advisor Jacob Sullivan said to employees in the White House, “so he’s missing, then” he reiterates with nobody giving insight as to where he is or was seen last. After Zients spoke with Biden he supposedly “soiled” himself and asked to be dismissed to the bathroom, “it’s no surprise when he ‘goes’ as he always asks to be dismissed but also, the smell.” Did Biden soil himself as part of his plan to go ‘missing’? After national security advisor and chief of staff discussed the situation, Zients recalled how Biden may have been “jesting” but also perhaps not, how he wanted to “push the button” and wanted to see “fireworks” for his “dear friend Kamala.”

“He f****** said that?” Jacob Sullivan said whilst Zients nodded silently. Biden is still missing as of this time, the white house has scheduled a private meeting amongst staff excluding Kamala as she is currently campaigning in D.C.

Everyone in the comments tries to one up everyone else with their sad story about dropping a dorito chip on the floor and eating it.

There’s a store next to my apartment and it’s my go to because it’s close and I don’t have to be out that long, I usually get soda, chips, candy, chocolate- all the shit that isn’t good for my body but it keeps my mind in check. One day I was waiting in line dreading paying for my stuff and having to engage in small talk with the workers. The way it works is there’s one line for the cashier and self checkout so it’s always a gamble 50/50 whether you’re gonna get a person or a robot. I prefer paying the robot so I’m always dreading when the person at the self checkout is taking too long and the cashier is just about finished with the customer in front of me. And that’s what happened this day, cashier rings me up and I just stand there, “following customer” they say, my mind is blank and I don’t move, “following customer” they say again with a bit more of an aggressive tone. I look up and pretend I was daydreaming and kinda walk toward them but then the guy behind me taps my shoulder lightly and says “hey, I’ll go you just wait for the self checkout.” And that’s what I did. In that moment I could’ve cried but it’s just someone finally understood how I felt and was giving me some comfort in a stressful situation. The guy was the total opposite to me he was kinda bubbly and had a nice ‘happy’ voice. He was kinda large adult sized and had a scruffy beard and some head hair but not a lot, wearing a red shirt and some shorts, kinda like a kid but I found it endearing. I walk out the store and the guy is still there smoking from his juul and texting. For some reason his presence was inviting, I don’t believe in god or anything but he was kinda… ‘angelic’? Or Christ like I dunno but I wasn’t scared to mutter out the words “thanks for that” he looks over at me just like he forgot the interaction entirely but then just said “yeah no problem, guy” and then limped away, I guess an accident of some sorts, but that’s none of my business. He walked off coolly but I just couldn’t, as I said before there was just something about him. I said “h-hey” but I don’t think he heard me, or maybe he was ignoring me, but I said it louder, “hey, wait up” he looked back a bit and I fast walked over to him. I asked him why he did what he did for me and he kinda smirked and said “it’s not much man I was in a hurry.” I thanked him again and he said “are we finished here?” And I heavily nodded but then I said “wait” and asked his name. “Christ-man” and winked at me. When I got home I tried looking up christman on social media and tried narrowing down for the local results. I eventually found him but to my surprise he’s some guy called Matt Christman and he’s on some podcast called chapos trap house.

It’s a baseball cap and I paid 80 dollars for it