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submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

I call myself “ostensibly cishet” because I look very much like a straight man, but I certainly don’t feel like a man and live in an area where my life would be destroyed if I referred to myself as something else

My use of language in the above sucks, but as a kid, I would always hang out at “the girls table” or in “the girls section” because the guys would always pick on me. It’s made life super difficult because when I meet a friend who is a woman now and ask them to hangout, their assumption is always that I want a partnership.

I literally only have one female friend who isn’t like this. It’s gotta be the fucking patriarchy right

Anyways, it’s so fucking lonely.

Why are apps only for people looking to fuck/get into relationships :/

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[-] [email protected] 27 points 1 year ago

I have way more female friends than male. They say it’s because they feel safe around me. I give off very strong platonic vibes because I’m not really attracted to women unless there’s a super strong connection and even then it usually ends up being more platonic than anything else with the rare exception.

I don’t like being around men that much because most of the conversations are shallow, repetitive, and extremely bigoted. The male friends I have are much more open-minded and that’s because I’m very selective about who I befriend

[-] [email protected] 20 points 1 year ago

The shallowness and repetitiveness of male interactions really kill me. One of my male friends only wants to talk about internet bullshit. It's painful. I hope to god that's not how I make people feel.

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

How would straight white dudes bond without racism and misogyny?

[-] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

In my case it’s mostly straight brown men saying that shit

[-] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I like to show my 💍 or mention my wife earlier in the conversation. Also that it was me rather than her who suggested couple therapy.

[-] [email protected] 20 points 1 year ago

Very cishet dude here; outside of a core group of dudes i met in middle and highschool, 90% of my other close friends have been women. I just dont always vibe super hard with dudes and its not like I'm going to invite them out to beers by ourselves, but with women its just always felt natural.

[-] [email protected] 13 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Same. Growing up, it always felt like we always had to banter or one up each other when we were in our male friend circles. It was difficult to have serious conversations aside from one or two people because everyone was uncomfortable and immediately turned it into a joke. But when I was with my female/coed friend circles discussions were usually more open, more diverse. Didn’t feel like I need to put up any sorta mask. However, you do have to be aware of this because many times guys will start using their female friends as therapists because no one else in their lives is willing to listen. Some girls don’t mind, others do.

I’m assuming that natural connection is why girls are usually first to open up and divulge more personal information to me compared to guys in my experience.

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

Yeah I have like two male friends from when I was a kid and basically every close friend I've had since then has been a woman.

[-] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

i think i feel the same way, i dunno, i miss the kinds of friendships with boys i had when i was younger :/

still have 1-3 of those but we don't interact all that much...

[-] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago

I have exactly zero friends who are traditionally masculine men, and I would say nearly all of friends are fem-presenting. I do have male friends, but they are cool, gentle, nerdy people. Recently I have realized that I don't like being referred to as a "man", but I do feel like a male, whatever that means. I do have male friends, but I am most comfortable among women. I wonder recently if this is just a rejection of patriarchy, rather than a gender dysphoria, like, I just don't like hanging around men because frankly they're rude, obnoxious, and misogynist. And I don't like being called a man because that would posit me within that group.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

i've recently read a tumblr post which resonated with me, but can't find anymore. It was something like this:

Men perform violence against non-men, but also, the way men exist can only exist because men perform violence against non-men. Dismantling patriarchical violence therefore also means dismantling manliness as we know it.

I don't really have deeper analysis than this, so also just some thought :)

edit: found the post

[-] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

This is exactly me, and yeah, it sucks

[-] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago

Many people on this site seem to be some variation of me which is cool but I wish I could find those people in meat space

[-] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago

I do not get along with men. Like, at all. I don't feel comfortable around them, don't want to trust them, not interested in them. Idk why.

I get along much better with women but there's always the barrier of me being a guy, so I always feel like the outsider. But also apparently the women I know currently all think I'm gay, and a particularly queeny gay at that. I wasn't aware I gave off that vibe.

I don't know what to do with this information. I'm a tiny bit bi and I'm not offended by it, per se.

But it hurts for a reason I can't articulate. I feel like I'm even more the outsider. I'm nervous to interact with them knowing what they think.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

❤️ you’re not alone comrade

[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago

It's a bit more recent for me (although as a kid boys/girls were always very separated), but I definitely gravitate towards women more. I feel like I "connect" with them better. Maybe the guys I meet just have bad social skills though.

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I’m straight. I would say that I had a mixture of 60% male and 40% female friends, but an equal amount of acquaintances in either gender. While I had crushes like almost every grade, the idea that “you can’t be friends with the opposite gender” was never instilled in me, and luckily my family never did the “sexualized teasing” where they’d ask about my “girlfriends” or “dates” when I was just a kid, and cooties never really caught on at my school.

I also don’t think it’s your fault or any individual guy’s fault if a girl automatically thinks you’re hitting on them even if you’re just trying to be friends. I imagine most of them have experienced some outright dangerous situations with men and choose to be more cautious. It’s also not always about hostility, sometimes it’s just having uncomfortable experiences; I mean, whom amongst us have not misinterpret basic human kindness and attention from a girl as her falling in love with us?

It’s patriarchy, sure, but specifically it’s because we are rarely taught how to express or process any emotions from within or from others lol. We basically have to navigate it ourselves and many of our misconceptions are never addressed. And maybe you were taught those things or learned it, but unfortunately other people’s upbringing and mindsets will also affect our relationships without ever even meeting us.

[-] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

Yep me, although I'm bi. Sometimes I wish I had a few dude friends, but I'm just bad at making friends in general.

[-] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

Yup.

Once I got old enough that other people wouldn't pick on me for hanging around girls more than boys, pretty much all of my closest friends switched from males to females.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Recently saw a jubilee vid (🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮) with neurotypicals and neurodivergents and one guy echoed the sentiment of this post exactly

[-] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

Yeah, uh, men in general scare me I think because I am scared of my dad. Men who appear to have qualities more typically associated with femme-presenting people are the ones I tend to get along with more.

Obviously I'm not saying some traits or characteristics are essentially femme or for women, only, in the region I'm in, if you asked a bunch of people, probably more than 50% would presume other traits as being masculine rather than the ones I am referring to. Stuff like using words like 'cute', having great tasting cocktails, enjoying spas, hair removal procedures on their face (like between the eyebrows and in the upper cheek), etc.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

Yep, definitely. I do have some friends who are men but often we I don't really like most men I meet. I've also been confused for gay often in the past (am bi, prefer femme, even pickier with men sexually than socially).

More recently I do also feel like some think I'm looking for a partner, or unicorn hunting. Which I'm not, but I am a poly slut so that is a possibility, which definitely complicate things.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

i hope it's not insensitive to ask, how does the being confused for gay tend to manifest? they make like gay jokes or describe you as gay when introducing you to others or? i'm having a hard time imagining how that would look irl...

[-] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

It doesn't happen much anymore but people would just ask "are you gay?" Or assume I was closeted or something.

Homophobic remarks too, back in high school, calling me the f-slur or gay (derogatory)

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

wow, just up in your face about it huh? yeah the f***** bothered me quite a bit, it didn't help that kids would say "im just saying bundle of sticks! why do you care so much??

[-] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Once elementary school was over and gender division was rigidly socially enforced cause 90s, not by anyone in authority but self policed cause hanging out with girls was gay. Since then, pretty much an even split. I was once asked by a server out front if I have 'man colds' and a female work pal said asking me to settle how prevalent dudes exaggerate illness doesn't count as helping her argument cause I guess thats why I was asked. It felt good for a woman to point out that when polling men to get a general man opinion I'm a statistical outlier.

[-] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

I always had more female than male friends. Key to making more is to do so in group contexts like softball leagues or volunteer work

[-] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

wait to make more my man friends you mean?

[-] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

I do but I work in a female dominated industry and a few of the people are exes. So I am a bad example.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I actually only have male friends. All of my friends are dudes. I had female friends in the past but that was ages ago.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

I kinda' go through waves of it, but I definitely make womanly friends online more easily than men. Although IRL it's the opposite.

this post was submitted on 24 Feb 2024
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