So guy takes his pet monkey into a bar. The monkey is jumping all around being a menace. The bartender sees the monkey jump on the pool table, grab the cue ball and swallow it whole. Bartender kicks the guy out, the guy apologizes profusely and promises to not come back until the monkey is better trained.

Well, a week later the guy comes back with his pet monkey, the pet monkey is acting like it did before. Just swinging around and making a ruckus. The bartender watches as the monkey jumps onto the bar, grabs a maraschino cherry, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is horrified, and yells at the guy " what the hell is wrong with your monkey?"

The guy replies "after the cue ball, he measures everything first."

A man goes to a talent show, and tells the judges that his dog can talk. Of course they don't believe him, but they ask him to demonstrate.

The man asks his dog "what goes on top of a house?" The dog says "ROOF!"

The man asks his dog "What is the opposite of smooth?" The dog says "ROUGH!"

The man asks his dog "Who is the greatest baseball player ever!" The dog says "RUTH!"

Well the judges are thoroughly unimpressed and kick him out of the talent show. As they're walking home the dog looks up and says "what, I should have said DiMaggio?"

It doesn't matter how hard you push the envelope

It'll still be stationery

Why did chicken cross the road?

What do you call a stand-up amphibian?

A sillymander

because we have bigger and more pressing issues

Way to humblebrag about being well-endowed

Nobody laughed at my “vicar Victoria” joke about a cross dressing pope

Haha joke stinky

Seee the humor was that you didn't want me to make fun of your joke, but I did anyway. Further humor can be gleaned from not only the insult being both childish and unimaginative, but from the fact that stinky is a funny sounding word

my life lmao

Have you heard the joke about the vacuum?

You really don't want to hear it because it sucks.