The one I experienced in France long ago. We had been driving through the night and were in desperate need for coffee, so we stopped at a small rest stop. Ordered coffees for all of us.
They had a large, battered metal pot on the stove, and used a soup ladle to pour the coffee into the mugs. Complete with coffee grounds. Nobody knows how long this stuff was simmering there. It could have been days. Or weeks. Or since B.C.
I like my coffee strong, but that stuff was vile.
I think the worst and most offensive coffee I ever drank was out of a vending machine which also served soup through the same nozzle.
Just eat the beans.
Use an espresso machine, but keep pressing the button until it's filled the (large) cup all the way up.
Coffee snob here. I once talked at lengths about how great specialty coffee is, the breadth and depth of flavours, the intricacies of extraction, etc. bla bla.
When i was done, he just looked at me and said “you know, sometimes when i get to work early in the morning and there is still left over coffee in the machine from the day before i just poor it in in my mug and drink it”
So yeah i think one day old, stale, cold, cheap supermarket coffee is up there i think. I don’t think you need to be a snob to find that offensive
I think making bad coffee in a bad way is not offensive to coffee snobs. What would be offensive to coffee snob would be to get some extremely expensive boutique coffee beans and prepare them in a snob way where each step is wrong. Example:
I just showed this post to a coffee aficionado. He only made it through a couple of comments, let out the biggest sigh I've ever heard from him and handed me my phone back.
powder coffee (Löskaffee in german, not sure how to translate this properly)
edit: instant coffee
edit 2: it is delicious btw. the only reason why it's "anti-elitist" is because it's not spending a lot of money on luxury products. one package with 200g or sth has lasted me more than a year now.
Why are you trying to make coffee when you could just get it from Starbucks?
Grab a used cup of instant ramen from your trash, add coffee beans (don't grind them), add water from tap (any temperature is fine), put paper ramen lid on top and allow to steep. Forget about it and then drink it an hour lster.
As a different approach is coffee ice cream technically coffee? Scoop into mug, put in microwave, and heat until mug is unsafe to touch.
Get instant cafe and sniff it like cocaine. Like they do in orange is the new black
"Laziest", an "get creative", are in conflict.
Step A) Mix 1 Tbs of instant coffee for each 2oz of roasted beans. In an old crew sock.
Step B) Put the sock on the counter.
Step C) Hit the sock repeatedly with a cast iron skillet for about 5 minutes.
Step D) put the sock with coffee still inside inside a 40 oz stanley tumbler.
Step E) drive around until you find someone having a baby at home.
Step F) wait to see if the baby lives. If so they won't need the pot of water they bolied to make dead baby soup. Congratulate them and take thier water while it is still steaming.
Step G) pour the water into your Stanley and decant your fresh coffee. Should be ready in 5 minutes. Remove the sock, squeeze out any coffee juices into Stanley.
Step H) enjoy?
Chew coffee beans to paste, gargle boiling water for 60 seconds, swallow
1.5 cups grounds to every 4 cups water, a bucket, mix em and throw in fridge for 3 days
Beans and water in a blender, then to the microwave?
Two spoons instant, one spoon sugar, hot water, splash of milk. Peak cheapest insta brand, like you local Lidl.
Don't make any at all and just drink the water. That'll show them.
My husband used to microwave water and use that microwaved water to make instant coffee. I think mixing it then microwaving it is the only thing that could make it worse. Or instant coffee from the spoon.
I’ve only read a few posts so sorry if this winds up being a repeat of something others have suggested:
Empty the contents of a Keurig (best if it’s some kind of flavored coffee) into a tea bag. Boil water in microwave. Steep coffee from teabag in said water.
For all the people mocking instant: it will never be a great cup of coffee, but some aren't half bad. Also very easy and convenient when making coffee flavoured drinks or deserts etc...
I am definitely a coffee snob. I roast my own single origin green beans, manually grind to perfection and pour over/espresso with the best of them.
I do turkish coffee, mocha pot, and even my own chocolate covered coffee beans and a home distilled coffee liqueur. I still have a jar of instant coffee...
1: Get the coffee from any fast food restaurant delivered (Burger King is real bad)
2: (Optional) Microwave it since it'll probably be cold
3: Too Much store brand flavored creamer (not cream, can't have real dairy) in it
4: Topped with the fakest whipped "cream" you can find. Preferably just a spoonful of the stuff you find in the freezer aisle
Technically still coffee, but I think this would be illegal to serve in at least 50 countries. Will be a solid 1/10 cup at best, both in terms of taste, and aesthetics
basically any form of instant. Want coffee with creamer and sugar = 3 in 1 pack. Want coffee with just cream or just sugar then get a 2 in 1 specific to that.
My morning method is fairly lazy. I get my french press, toss in a asian-style soup spoon of pre-ground coffee, cover with ~89 degree water from the kettle, wait 5 mins, push plunger down and pour.
Chew on the coffee beans and clear your mouth by drinking water.
Instant in warm water from the tap, without running the tap for it to get hot. That would take too much effort.
Do it like a tequila slammer: drink a shot of water, lick instant coffee, bite into a creamer cup.
Make a gallon of instant, store it in the fridge. When u want a cup, pour it and warm it in the microwave. You're set for weeks!
Whole bean unbroken put into a pot on the stove boiled for quite some time.
Fuck you in a cup
Edit: put instant into an espresso machine
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