1: Get the coffee from any fast food restaurant delivered (Burger King is real bad)
2: (Optional) Microwave it since it'll probably be cold
3: Too Much store brand flavored creamer (not cream, can't have real dairy) in it
4: Topped with the fakest whipped "cream" you can find. Preferably just a spoonful of the stuff you find in the freezer aisle
Technically still coffee, but I think this would be illegal to serve in at least 50 countries. Will be a solid 1/10 cup at best, both in terms of taste, and aesthetics