People can dissociate without having a dissociative disorder, don't worry about that! It's typically a coping mechanism to defend yourself from pain, and the fact that it has stopped is a good sign.

Estrogen had a myriad of more subtle cognitive, almost spiritual effects.

I use estrogen recreationally too

I've heard of a handful of similar experiences from other ladies but nothing quite like this. Some of my friends have suggested that what I'm describing are symptoms of an altogether more serious personality/disassociative disorder... but I dunno about that (my therapist had doubts too) and thats really scary anyways.

Are they trans too?

Personally, yeah. It was pretty shocking for me I think, it felt like the Wizard of Oz where it goes from black and white to color. Everything just felt sharper and more vibrant. Some of this is an actual effect of estrogen, tbh, women for example have a measurably heightened sense of smell and for me my sense of smell definitely got sharper. Some of it is putting a crack in the wall of depression and anxiety surrounding transitioning.

I was abused, so disassociation is pretty common for me. I think disssociation might be a common experience of being trans as well? As is nessecary sometimes to exist in this world (it sounds like yours was very mild so probably just temporary.)

I had a similar experience, although the way I accepted my transness was literally through dream work, ancestor work, and meditation / ritual sessions.

Over time, many (but not all!) of the memories from before this began to feel like they belonged to someone else. Some felt like the recollection of stories I had been told, rather than events I had lived through.

I haven't started HRT yet (hopefully soon), but I've felt like this about most of my memories even before I started being honest with myself.

I started my transition not long after a TBI, so, not sure if it's the TBI or the HRT.

But! I could not picture things in my head before. I could imagine words to describe things, but not actual pictures.

That's changed. As an example I just brushed my teeth, and was able to picture a timer that counted to 30 sec for each quadrant of my mouth, and hit 2 min exactly. That was kind of exciting, for someone that was effectively aphantasiac a few years ago.

But that could totally be the TBI knocking something loose - it cracked my egg after all.

Haven't had something like that, but it's not really weird imo. In my experience, hormones and blockers can definitely affect your mood and change how emotional processes are balanced.

Above and beyond that though, I think that transitioning is a process that provides an extremely potent context in which one's experiences are framed. Transitioning is, necessary a potent assertion of one's agency against societal and/or biological assumptions. In day to day life, very few decisions are as actively consequential in how our lives play out as choosing to pursue transtion, and that means that your life isn't going with the flow, but is the product of your will.

Based on the combination of that and the exploration of new dimensions and depths of feeling, I could definitely see how that could lead to your current understanding of yourself being hard to emotionally relate to your past. Idk if this rings true to you but its my best assessment based on my own experiences.

I'll delete this if you want because I'm not trans. But I relate a lot to this.

I had a similar eye-opening feeling after my anti-anxiety and ADD meds kicked in after being unmedicated for my entire life. I disassociated through most of my young life just to get through the overstimulation.

I think maybe you are experiencing what your consciousness should have been like? At least that's what it seemed like to me. I was finally able to just sit there and think and accept my own thoughts instead of sort of... living in third person? I don't have the words to describe it. Very similar to what you were saying, like backseat driving your own mind.

You're not alone.

I feel awake and alive in a way that makes me question what the fuck was happening before. How was I so unconscious? It's like I suddenly awoke to find myself outside my house, and having to understand that I was sleepwalking. I am present in my body and care about my appearance and I'm conscious of the time that passes every day. Was I really not like this before? I had chalked it up to ADHD but that doesn't explain it. Obviously. Why wasn't it obvious before? When is the last time I can remember being aware like this? I was a child then. Before puberty? That would certainly track.

Why didn't I realize how deeply unwell I was? The answer to that question is shameful. I mean, I knew I was unwell, but I was dead. Why didn't I realize I was walking dead? Just because I kept playing the assigned role and failsonning upwards, I think. There were always more treats. I'm ashamed of that answer