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[–] 97 points 2 years ago (7 children)

Vampires existed long before the church. They just have a brain disorder that gives them a seizure when they see straight right angles. Right angles don’t really exist in nature. Humans found out this and started making crosses. Humans created the church to maintain this knowledge during the vampires long hibernation periods of around 1000 years. (Credit to author Peter Watts “Blindside”)

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  • [–] 48 points 2 years ago

    I loved Blindsight (the name of the book is not Blindside) but that was one of the most ridiculous paragraphs I've ever read.

    The natural world is filled with right angles. Many rocks erode into perfect right angles because of their cleave points. Saplings grow at right angles to the ground. Branches of older trees are sometimes at perfect right angles to the trunk.

    Anyone who has gone on a hike sees right angles everywhere. Vampires couldn't walk a kilometer without a seizure from naturally occuring right angles.

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  • [–] 20 points 2 years ago

    Nah, vampires only hibernated a generation or two. Just long enough for prey populations to grow back to sustainable levels, and just long enough forget them and begin to scoff at grandma's crazy campfire tales.

    Peter Watts - Blindsight

    And yes, it's hard science fiction. With a vampire ship captain. Seriously.

    Many versions free on the author's site. Give the prologue a spin.

    https://rifters.com/real/Blindsight.htm#Prologue

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  • [–] 69 points 2 years ago (13 children)

    This why I like the origin of vampires being Judas’ failed suicide attempt. Explains the silver allergy, too.

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  • [–] [S] 31 points 2 years ago (11 children)
  • [–] 85 points 2 years ago* (10 children)

    I forget which movie it's from, but they said the first vampire was Judas. He tried to hang himself after he betrayed Jesus but just before he died the branch broke at sunset and he became a vampire.

    Explains the blood - since he can't have communion - and the silver - because he sold Jesus out for silver talents (money) - and the hatred of lower-case t, and the aversion to sunlight.

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  • [–] 45 points 2 years ago (7 children)

    And the branch is the stake that kills them!?

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  • [–] 36 points 2 years ago (6 children)

    Yep!

    Don't know where the garlic comes in, though

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  • [–] 31 points 2 years ago (13 children)

    There was a vampire movie, I forget what it's called, but part of the lore was that vampires were only affected by religious symbols from their original society. So showing a cross to a Muslim vampire wouldn't work.

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  • [–] 11 points 2 years ago (3 children)

    Atheist vampires: It's free real state

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  • [–] 3 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (4 children)
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    [–] 30 points 2 years ago (7 children)

    In the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, they can be held back by any symbol of power that the wielder has faith in and the stronger the faith, the stronger the symbol. For example, Harry, the main character and a wizard, uses a pentagram instead of a cross because he has faith in his magic.

    I've always thought that was pretty cool and it means that theoretically a devout Pastafarian could use the symbol of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to protect themselves from vampires.

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  • [–] 8 points 2 years ago (3 children)

    A pastafarian holding back vampires is exactly the kind of thing that would happen in the Dresden files.

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  • [–] 3 points 2 years ago*

    Perhaps, though the Flying Spaghetti Monster is more of a rhetorical device than something people tend to sincerely believe.

    It’s hard enough in vampire fiction to find true believers in conventional religion.

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    [–] 16 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

    In the Neutronium Alchemist (or one of the books in the Nights Dawn series) a vampire basically says “I was Muslim but that cross only works if you believe it works”

    E.g. it’s the fundamental belief of the person wielding it that has the “psychic” effect on the ghost/vampire/remnant.

    Edit: apparently it was a ghost who was Sunni and it’s the belief of the ghost that does it. E.g. why the crucifix had no effect on him but a crescent, for example, may have.

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  • [+] 16 points 2 years ago (9 children)
  • [–] 28 points 2 years ago (3 children)
  • [–] 3 points 2 years ago (1 child)

    Okay, S and Q I kinda get, but what the heck happened with R?

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  • [–] 3 points 2 years ago

    These came from a sort of “this sounds like” alphabet. Like if you wanted to write D but drew a picture of a dog, because that starts with a D sound. Or when someone on the phone says “A as in Adam.”

    So the word for dude with a tiny hat started with an R sound, just like the word for the A sounded like an A sound.

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  • [–] [S] 8 points 2 years ago (2 children)

    I'm going to send you so much garlic

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  • [–] 13 points 2 years ago (1 child)

    “You are a fool, Jacinto, all of my ancestors were Jews!”

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