this is too real. i am not over this or in recovery yet, but i hope you can get there or find some piece of mind or otherwise get to feel better. 🧠❤️

Hey, so I have ADHD, and so does my husband, neither of us are medicated. We both cope well outside the house, but inside, our home is a freakin mess. I have so many systems but still, cleaning, maintaining, and cooking are just too much for us to stay on top of. I'm a lot better with systems, and prioritization, so managing the house falls to me but we both give each other a lot of grace. My number one tip is taking responsibility. It is painful for me when he says he's going to take care of something and then he doesn't. I would so much rather him recognize : " hey, I know i said i would take the trash out, but I'm realizing it's a task I'm failing at week after week. Could we trade? I will scour the bathroom if you can take the cans to the curb?" Or "could you help me come up with a system?"

What almost killed our marriage was him saying, "why are you freaking out about this, it's just the trash?" And then the next week saying, "I'll get to it in the morning, I promise, I'm just too tired to do it tonight." It killed my ability to trust him or his word, and really eroded our marriage. It's like he was in denial about his ADHD, and didn't realize that by having this optimistic and unrealistic views of his abilities, he was letting me down twice - once with neglecting to help, and second by denying my experience, and lying about what he was going to do. He felt like he still deserved the benefit of the doubt and kindness and grace, but after the 5th time not completing a task, I felt like that behavior and expectation was him forcing our relationship into parent/ child rather than equal partnership.

I'm not suggesting having a child if you're not ready!!! But I will say fatherhood is where my ADHD mate shines. He still doesn't clean, his hair is on the sink after shaving everytime, but he's an amazing father. The house is a mess, but the toddler is well fed (he makes creative dinners), well exercised (he has way more energy than me) and he has amazing creative problem solving to encourage her to go along with his directions. I believe this is where his ADHD super powers come through. Also now that we're on a more strict schedule for the toddler, he weirdly doesn't miss taking the trash out.

Again, not suggesting adding a child, I'm just saying maybe you're not going to get better at the things you're having trouble with, but maybe you'll find other stuff that you are good at that makes your partner's life easier making it feel more like a partnership. Also, we've done a lot of couples therapy. We went from the brink of divorce, me feeling like he wasn't pulling his weight at all, and him feeling like I'm way too critical and mean to feeling like a solid team expecting a second kid (on purpose).

Good luck, man. ADHD fuckin sucks.

Remember that it is a disability. ADHD is disabling (at times) despite being a core part of people who have it.

You can't fault yourself for not being a better runner when your leg is broken, even if your partner so dearly wants someone to run with. You can try. You can train. You can get assistive devices. But it might still hurt some days. It may never be a thing you can do to someone elses standards.

Y'all should consider couples counseling. It's not a bad thing, or a defeat - but it sounds like theres a lot of pressure on you (which can be PLENTY counterproductive). Might be better to find ways to understand each other better and how to best support each other as partners.

HowToAdhd has a few videos about being in a relationship, too, that could be insightful for you or your partner. https://m.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD/

Meds are just drugs and like all drugs continued usage will build tolerance and come to have no effect. I use mine along with other drugs (nicotine and caffeine) as a tool to achieve a goal not a a continual thing that is some magic fix. I have had far more success with this than any other method. My doctor who prescribed said meds said this was fine to do and that it's probably better as it means I don't have to deal with the tolerance issues as much. Obviously not medical advice speak to a professional.

From what I have gathered from ur post it seems you haven't developed any strategies to help and that you are treating the meds as a magic fix all for ur issues (that's not how this works their is no such thing as a free lunch).

I have found great success with https://f-droid.org/packages/com.mhss.app.mybrain and putting the to do as my home screen. I also run GrapheneOS and I put all social media on a second profile creating friction to use and also switching to said profile invites a large deal of shame on oneself again ur emotions are a tool u can use to condition/train urself with. I use nicotine to train myself like a dog into doing things. And caffeine like a lite version if my meds.

Social media and the dopamine slot machine will fuck you harder than any drug ever possibly could. Its enough to fuck up regular peoples dopamine circuits u where destined to fail before u even started.

U also need to take advantage of the inherent abilities granted by ADHD for instance it makes one very effective at operating in high stress situations with many complex and/or conflicting goals (this is where ADHD evolved from hunting/war). Kids create exactly this situation so u might actually be pretty good at this.

Now to address the rest or ur post. U got something other than ADHD my friend. U got a serious self image/self esteem issue. Like holy fuck you hate urself so much that u think u don't deserve ur partner that's fucked up. And the way you feel about things tends to be how they manifest in life. If u believe ur a loser you become a loser. If u hang around losers u think of urself as a loser and become a loser. Marcus Aurelius knew this thousands of years ago don't become a victim of your own self degradation.

Their are no easy fixes their are no quick fix solutions. Life is a bitch then u die that's just how the cookie crumbles. You either say fuck you to life and carry on or let it drown u in an ocean of misery and most likely find urself at the wrong end of a bottle/needle wondering where it all went so wrong. You can either take action and exercise agency over your own life ur sit blaming something for which you had no control.

Also perhaps reframe ur issues. Don't make promises u can't keep that's only going to lead to failure and disappointment. ADHD doesn't effect ur ability while doing a thing it effects ur ability to do the thing. ADHD doesn't make u bad at cleaning dishes it makes u bad at doing the dishes in the first place. If u feel ur not doing things to a standard ur partner is happy with then that's not ADHD that's just u doing a shit job u can fix that the same way everyone else can fix that by learning or practice or simply doing a better job. I feel u struggled to do things in life due to ADHD then internalised when u got called lazy then got diagnosed and felt vindicated and thus now feel validated in actually being lazy.

If its any help I think you should know that one must be relaxed before one can be aroused. Ones feelings are not driven by the state of what is but by the change from what was. Thus by doing something that reduces the chaos that ur partner is experiencing that will lead to a more relaxed emotion state and might mean u get laid more. That should help as some motivation to tickle ur little dopamine starved lizard brain into action.

I'm writing all this while procrastinating my thesis so I'm gonna go follow my own advice chug 150mg of caffeine drop some meds hit the vape and get that done. I'll report back once I'm done (using others to hold oneself to account is also a useful strategy).

It can be a combination of finding the right medicine(s) and finding strategies and coping mechanism that work for you. Don't give up, seek help where you can find it, and try to be kind to yourself.

I feel you. I keep discovering (or rather admitting) that I have issue, not just ADHD, and it feels failure on my part that I didn't treat those before entering adulthood.

I have also started meds for three weeks now but other than hunger, haven't seen much difference.

A setback doesn't negate the progress you've made. You have progressed and are progressing, but it goes up and down.

Right now you're down and it feels like you're back at square one, and nothing has changed and will never change. Those thoughts are incorrect, and I think a part of ADHDs lack-of-recall: Wherever you are right now feels permanent, like that's your whole past, present and future. Because when you're down you forget how it felt last week; where you were last month; how much progress you made when you were up.

You've accomplished a lot, even though you may not recall it. Your down is not permanent. You've taken steps forward, you can take them again.

It's okay to take breaks (or allow breaks to happen when they happen), rest for a moment, and then start making progress again. Rest is a human, and managing ADHD is a draining activity.

I think that trying to improve, learn new things and practice our skills, is the most meaningful human purpose. Opportunities for this we have in abundance with ADHD...

"The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

I know it's rough but don't get too down on yourself, it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure and expectations on yourself to perform as a perfect husband and no one is that. There is a pervasive sense in the world that people know what they are doing but the fact is no one knows what they are doing when it comes down to it, maybe professionally they are proficient but people, essentially, are just all wandering around. So don't put too much pressure on yourself to do everything you see other people doing because you can't do all of it. You shouldn't feel like a child because there's certain things you can't do or think you can't do, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, I'm sure you have plenty of strengths but sometimes they are not so obvious and there is a lot to work through to get to a place where you can use them. I wish you all the best and I hope my ramble helped a little at least.

A start is a start, and these can be the first steps into a better life.

That being said, you are not where you want to be yet, and you need to keep going in the right direction. Don't worry about how fast you do that, but keep going. Many people are disappointed at how little they can change within a month, but astonished how much they can do in a year when they stick to it. Would be too bad if you only ever experience the former.

What is missing? I can think of two things:

1. More methods. What are you doing already? Do you have ideas how you could do a little more while the meds are peaking? E. g. set a 30 minute timer after taking them, then set another 20 minute timer during which you work on the thing that would improve your life, just as a random example. Or cut out a thing that holds you back, such as doomscrolling during peak, or other vices.
2. Change in treatment or additional diagnostic. Different meds working better, therapist, exercise and diet? Additional co-morbidity, such as depression or a physical condition making you tired?

And definitely no baby now. Nope, nope, nope. Recipe for disaster.

1.5 years into treatment, I am both astonished at how much I improved as well as how much there still is to do.