I just need to vent a bit...
I've been on meds for ~ 1 year with mixed results. I've been trying to implement new habits and tools that help me cope with ADHD. There's been some improvement not as much as I'd hoped.
My relationship has taken severe damage from me having ADHD and the conflicts this has caused in my marriage. My partner would so much want (and need) a partner who is reliable and dependable and can take care of stuff on their own, and actually takes care of stuff. Meaning: When I say I'm gonna do something I'm gonna do it and do it right. And I'm gonna know what and when something needs to be done without my partner having to tell me first.
I feel like I'm trying to swim with a weight tied to my feet and it's so hard to stay afloat. Every day feels like a struggle where I'm paddling paddling paddling and once I stop I start forgetting stuff again and things get bad.
I also know that my partner would have wanted to have kids and for a while I was open to the idea but now, after realizing I have ADHD and how much of a struggle it is I feel like life is already hard, why would I add another factor to my life that makes everything even harder?
And then I often feel myself falling into a downward spiral. My partner should be with someone else... someone who is a "real adult", someone they can rely on, someone who gives them a feeling of security... Not someone where it feels like (their actual words) being with a teenager or having a child instead of a partner.
I'm in psychotherapy to help me get rid of this negativity but it's still so long till my next session and I just needed to vent a bit. For a while I thought I was making good progress but now I feel like nothing much has changed, not really.
Hey, so I have ADHD, and so does my husband, neither of us are medicated. We both cope well outside the house, but inside, our home is a freakin mess. I have so many systems but still, cleaning, maintaining, and cooking are just too much for us to stay on top of. I'm a lot better with systems, and prioritization, so managing the house falls to me but we both give each other a lot of grace. My number one tip is taking responsibility. It is painful for me when he says he's going to take care of something and then he doesn't. I would so much rather him recognize : " hey, I know i said i would take the trash out, but I'm realizing it's a task I'm failing at week after week. Could we trade? I will scour the bathroom if you can take the cans to the curb?" Or "could you help me come up with a system?"
What almost killed our marriage was him saying, "why are you freaking out about this, it's just the trash?" And then the next week saying, "I'll get to it in the morning, I promise, I'm just too tired to do it tonight." It killed my ability to trust him or his word, and really eroded our marriage. It's like he was in denial about his ADHD, and didn't realize that by having this optimistic and unrealistic views of his abilities, he was letting me down twice - once with neglecting to help, and second by denying my experience, and lying about what he was going to do. He felt like he still deserved the benefit of the doubt and kindness and grace, but after the 5th time not completing a task, I felt like that behavior and expectation was him forcing our relationship into parent/ child rather than equal partnership.
I'm not suggesting having a child if you're not ready!!! But I will say fatherhood is where my ADHD mate shines. He still doesn't clean, his hair is on the sink after shaving everytime, but he's an amazing father. The house is a mess, but the toddler is well fed (he makes creative dinners), well exercised (he has way more energy than me) and he has amazing creative problem solving to encourage her to go along with his directions. I believe this is where his ADHD super powers come through. Also now that we're on a more strict schedule for the toddler, he weirdly doesn't miss taking the trash out.
Again, not suggesting adding a child, I'm just saying maybe you're not going to get better at the things you're having trouble with, but maybe you'll find other stuff that you are good at that makes your partner's life easier making it feel more like a partnership. Also, we've done a lot of couples therapy. We went from the brink of divorce, me feeling like he wasn't pulling his weight at all, and him feeling like I'm way too critical and mean to feeling like a solid team expecting a second kid (on purpose).
Good luck, man. ADHD fuckin sucks.
What almost killed our marriage was him saying, "why are you freaking out about this, it's just the trash?" And then the next week saying, "I'll get to it in the morning, I promise, I'm just too tired to do it tonight."
Oh boy... this hits a little to close for me. I swear I wasnt that bad though! I did generally do the things when I said I would, but boy did she hate my procrastination. To me it all fit in my head to my owk schedule more than I cared about it being done that moment. It's definitely a big one that brought our marriage down, amongst other things. Sadly we both came to the conclusion very recently that this is just not working out and are starting to prepare for separation. As much as I love her I know it's time because all I keep thinking about are all the situations that I will no longer have to deal with and it makes me excited...
Maybe after all of this I should probably look into finding a doctor to talk to regarding my own ADHD problems and see if medication helps. I think it will considering my friend has let me try his Vyvanse a few times and realized how absolutely life changing it was for me.