I already didn't like life [cw: hopelessness, negativity about being trans, dysphoria, si] (hexbear.net)

submitted 4 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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before my egg cracked. I was already unable to do basic things, to care for myself, to hit normal milestones. Now it is truly unbearable. I hate being trans. I hate having to transition, I hate feeling dysphoric. I hate society. I already hated society but its so evil. I will never have a life I am happy with. Not in this society, not with this body, or this voice.

I can't cope. I can't stop thinking about it. Being trans has ruined me. It hurts so badly. Hearing my voice, seeing myself in the mirror or looking down. Telling people. Being misgendered. Knowing what I look like. I can't do it. I can't deal with all of the things I need to. Its too hard and too painful.

There's not a light and the end of the tunnel. There's not a thing I need that will fix this.

People are sick of me. All I do is whine about how shit life is and how much I need to kill myself. Pretty much the only thing on my mind. I'm sick of me too. I'm sick of this life. There's not an answer but killing myself. That's the only way to escape this hell.

I can't deal with being trans. My body, voice, or society. I've known for a long time I was going to kill myself but I guess this is why. Its nice to have closure in a way, of understanding why my life fell apart before it even really began. I'm very angry and disappointed. Society has smothered me to death and forces me to finish the job.

I can't do this. I never really could. I never functioned normally, not since puberty anyway.

People in the mega have told me I'm grieving at it will get better. It hasn't. It hasn't gotten better one bit. I'm out to all my friends. Does nothing.

I'm broken. I can't find my way through life. I don't like life anyway. I just can't quite get over the hump to die yet for whatever stupid reason.

Thanks for listening to my stupid whining. For whatever reason this is all I have on my mind and all that's important to me.

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[-] [email protected] 14 points 4 weeks ago

I'm sorry you're feeling this way meow-hug

[-] [email protected] 6 points 4 weeks ago

Thank you :meow-hug: it's every single day. I don't know how I'll ever be okay with this.

[-] [email protected] 11 points 4 weeks ago

People are sick of me

not this cat. as you know, im not going through everything you are, but lots of your feelings could have been typed out by me. probs there are others who feel like this too, i just don't talk about it. maybe not talking bout it is worse, dunno

so like, if you need to scream it to the heavens I'll listen every time and be glad for it. not that you're going through this ofc but glad you can give voice to my own pain, glad cuz you're still kickin, glad that i have a sister out there in the black that gets me.

i know youre trying and it's not helping yet, I'm trying stuff too and it's not helping at all. who knows tho, maybe since we're like mind we'll also both find an answer what makes this burdensome life less shit! haha! hahahaha! probably not, but maybe!

maybe

heart-sickle

[-] [email protected] 6 points 3 weeks ago

I feel dysphoric about this civilization. I can't exist in the thick of it, noticing all the camouflaged pillars of it, without feeling pain. The only relief I've ever experienced has been finding something that feels like a different civilizational project. I guess that's why I became an anarchist.

Caring for myself is an unending struggle. But every day I still aim to do it. Milestones be damned, for a lot of us they never really made anything better. If you have a strong sense of self, develop it, and do everything for yourself instead of for some bullshit generalized other that we've been conditioned to perform for.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 3 weeks ago

In a just world, discovering that you're trans would be a time of celebration. Your community would gather around you to help support you in whatever way they could. It would still be a long and difficult journey, but the path would be clear and you would not go alone.

I'm so sorry that you feel like there is no hope. My heart breaks for you. Please know that I value your life.

I know the road is hard.
I know you feel you can not make it.
I'm begging you to try.

I'm asking you to look within yourself and find something worth fighting for.

A woman, whose life has just begun.
Your friends, who need you just as you need them.
A human, that has endured immense suffering and is still fucking standing.

You inspire me.

Hell, fight just to outlive your enemies.

I don't know you, but I know you are a human, and because of that I know you can make it.

I know you can stare down suicidal thoughts.
I know you can face the hate.
I know you can handle the dysphoria.

You already have.

Your journey is long, but we are with you. The path is obscured, but many here have navigated it before. It will be slow, but it WILL get better.

It may not be that useful for you, but I made a blog post of my stream of conciseness during a manic episode that's a bit of a battlecry. It's... certainly unhinged, but you may find some inspiration from it.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Thank you for the kind words. I will keep trying. It is very hard and very slow. I will read your blog post when I get off work. Thank you again. It means a lotm

[-] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

I want to preface this by saying I understand how you feel. I already have very low chances of successfuly transitioning, and it feels that everytime I look at myself, that my self perception crumbles, and I am faced with the reality that my body is not the right one. Then I berate myself for being like that in the first place. I already have many problems to deal with, and now I "create" myself problems. Why couldn't I just be normal?

It requires a lot of introspection and grounding to realise that these are cries for help. Usually, when you are in pain, you have people understanding it and rushing to help you. But being trans feels like you have none of that. It's even harder for some who have difficulties having a sense of community anywhere as well. But know that the people in this thread and other people are concerned and trying to help. We understand and support you.

I'm pretty sure you've already thought of it, but are you looking to get HRT? If the medical system is unable to give you that, you can still DIY

[-] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

Yea, I know. I always hope people will have something to say that will help. I feel like when I was first figuring this out they did a lot, and it helped. But I haven't actually gotten better, and it's been less and less. 100%, if I was a cis woman with these issues everyone would understand and support me irl.

Yea. For whatever reason I still haven't ordered it. It's been like a year of wanting it, of telling myself I'll order it, I still haven't. Depressed, scared, idk.

Tbh I don't know how much it will even do for me. The things I'm most upset by won't be fixed by it.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 3 weeks ago

What're the things you're most upset by?

[-] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

My voice. The way people view us trans people. Not passing. I guess it remains tbd if hrt will make me pass.

[-] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

Sorry for the late answer!

For some, there have been little changes, but for others, the difference is quite drastic! It depends on the dosage they were given as well. Either way, whatever results you get, it is much better than absolutely nothing.

You might also think that it's too late because of age. On the contrary, the hormones in your body still continue to act on it way past 18. Also , it will take a while for drastic improvements to show itself (fat distribution, skin softening, etc.), but you might notice signs of improvements as early as 1 or two months in.

But honestly, I get it. The hardest part of doing anything regularly is to start. I recommend a good reading of diyhrt.info, and to write down what you want at what dosage and what frequency. Once you have that down, you can try to get it immediately, but if you want to take a break, at least you can come back to already having what you need. They also have resources on there.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 4 weeks ago

I can't believe it just keeps going. Please stop. It's endless

this post was submitted on 14 Jul 2025

58 points (100.0% liked)

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