before my egg cracked. I was already unable to do basic things, to care for myself, to hit normal milestones. Now it is truly unbearable. I hate being trans. I hate having to transition, I hate feeling dysphoric. I hate society. I already hated society but its so evil. I will never have a life I am happy with. Not in this society, not with this body, or this voice.
I can't cope. I can't stop thinking about it. Being trans has ruined me. It hurts so badly. Hearing my voice, seeing myself in the mirror or looking down. Telling people. Being misgendered. Knowing what I look like. I can't do it. I can't deal with all of the things I need to. Its too hard and too painful.
There's not a light and the end of the tunnel. There's not a thing I need that will fix this.
People are sick of me. All I do is whine about how shit life is and how much I need to kill myself. Pretty much the only thing on my mind. I'm sick of me too. I'm sick of this life. There's not an answer but killing myself. That's the only way to escape this hell.
I can't deal with being trans. My body, voice, or society. I've known for a long time I was going to kill myself but I guess this is why. Its nice to have closure in a way, of understanding why my life fell apart before it even really began. I'm very angry and disappointed. Society has smothered me to death and forces me to finish the job.
I can't do this. I never really could. I never functioned normally, not since puberty anyway.
People in the mega have told me I'm grieving at it will get better. It hasn't. It hasn't gotten better one bit. I'm out to all my friends. Does nothing.
I'm broken. I can't find my way through life. I don't like life anyway. I just can't quite get over the hump to die yet for whatever stupid reason.
Thanks for listening to my stupid whining. For whatever reason this is all I have on my mind and all that's important to me.
In a just world, discovering that you're trans would be a time of celebration. Your community would gather around you to help support you in whatever way they could. It would still be a long and difficult journey, but the path would be clear and you would not go alone.
I'm so sorry that you feel like there is no hope. My heart breaks for you. Please know that I value your life.
I know the road is hard.
I know you feel you can not make it.
I'm begging you to try.
I'm asking you to look within yourself and find something worth fighting for.
A woman, whose life has just begun.
Your friends, who need you just as you need them.
A human, that has endured immense suffering and is still fucking standing.
You inspire me.
Hell, fight just to outlive your enemies.
I don't know you, but I know you are a human, and because of that I know you can make it.
I know you can stare down suicidal thoughts.
I know you can face the hate.
I know you can handle the dysphoria.
You already have.
Your journey is long, but we are with you. The path is obscured, but many here have navigated it before. It will be slow, but it WILL get better.
It may not be that useful for you, but I made a blog post of my stream of conciseness during a manic episode that's a bit of a battlecry. It's... certainly unhinged, but you may find some inspiration from it.
Thank you for the kind words. I will keep trying. It is very hard and very slow. I will read your blog post when I get off work. Thank you again. It means a lotm