before my egg cracked. I was already unable to do basic things, to care for myself, to hit normal milestones. Now it is truly unbearable. I hate being trans. I hate having to transition, I hate feeling dysphoric. I hate society. I already hated society but its so evil. I will never have a life I am happy with. Not in this society, not with this body, or this voice.
I can't cope. I can't stop thinking about it. Being trans has ruined me. It hurts so badly. Hearing my voice, seeing myself in the mirror or looking down. Telling people. Being misgendered. Knowing what I look like. I can't do it. I can't deal with all of the things I need to. Its too hard and too painful.
There's not a light and the end of the tunnel. There's not a thing I need that will fix this.
People are sick of me. All I do is whine about how shit life is and how much I need to kill myself. Pretty much the only thing on my mind. I'm sick of me too. I'm sick of this life. There's not an answer but killing myself. That's the only way to escape this hell.
I can't deal with being trans. My body, voice, or society. I've known for a long time I was going to kill myself but I guess this is why. Its nice to have closure in a way, of understanding why my life fell apart before it even really began. I'm very angry and disappointed. Society has smothered me to death and forces me to finish the job.
I can't do this. I never really could. I never functioned normally, not since puberty anyway.
People in the mega have told me I'm grieving at it will get better. It hasn't. It hasn't gotten better one bit. I'm out to all my friends. Does nothing.
I'm broken. I can't find my way through life. I don't like life anyway. I just can't quite get over the hump to die yet for whatever stupid reason.
Thanks for listening to my stupid whining. For whatever reason this is all I have on my mind and all that's important to me.
I want to preface this by saying I understand how you feel. I already have very low chances of successfuly transitioning, and it feels that everytime I look at myself, that my self perception crumbles, and I am faced with the reality that my body is not the right one. Then I berate myself for being like that in the first place. I already have many problems to deal with, and now I "create" myself problems. Why couldn't I just be normal?
It requires a lot of introspection and grounding to realise that these are cries for help. Usually, when you are in pain, you have people understanding it and rushing to help you. But being trans feels like you have none of that. It's even harder for some who have difficulties having a sense of community anywhere as well. But know that the people in this thread and other people are concerned and trying to help. We understand and support you.
I'm pretty sure you've already thought of it, but are you looking to get HRT? If the medical system is unable to give you that, you can still DIY
Yea, I know. I always hope people will have something to say that will help. I feel like when I was first figuring this out they did a lot, and it helped. But I haven't actually gotten better, and it's been less and less. 100%, if I was a cis woman with these issues everyone would understand and support me irl.
Yea. For whatever reason I still haven't ordered it. It's been like a year of wanting it, of telling myself I'll order it, I still haven't. Depressed, scared, idk.
Tbh I don't know how much it will even do for me. The things I'm most upset by won't be fixed by it.
What're the things you're most upset by?
My voice. The way people view us trans people. Not passing. I guess it remains tbd if hrt will make me pass.
Sorry for the late answer!
For some, there have been little changes, but for others, the difference is quite drastic! It depends on the dosage they were given as well. Either way, whatever results you get, it is much better than absolutely nothing.
You might also think that it's too late because of age. On the contrary, the hormones in your body still continue to act on it way past 18. Also , it will take a while for drastic improvements to show itself (fat distribution, skin softening, etc.), but you might notice signs of improvements as early as 1 or two months in.
But honestly, I get it. The hardest part of doing anything regularly is to start. I recommend a good reading of diyhrt.info, and to write down what you want at what dosage and what frequency. Once you have that down, you can try to get it immediately, but if you want to take a break, at least you can come back to already having what you need. They also have resources on there.