The cruelty is the point

Internet access is absolutely a utility in every function. And like a utility, most people don't have a realistic alternative. Not without sky-high prices and/or slower speeds and less reliability. Thanks, Donald Trump.

I'm so glad the internet hasn't forgiven them for that.

I'm a bit sad that not everyone remembers when they made up a movie critic so they would have good quotes to put on ads for Sony Pictures movies.

Libertarian police

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.

Original Credit: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/l-p-d-libertarian-police-department>>>>>

"You wouldn't SteAL a gUilLotINe!"

It’s the same idea as “death penalty will scare people out from committing murder”

The hope is the threat will stop new people from getting into that

Music piracy isn't rampant at all. It's the "immigrant crime is out of control" of the internet.

We were trying to be reasonable and compromise... I know, how naive of us

Now that the streaming industry plunged head first into enshitification, we are back to our previously held practices

Microsoft stole my copy of minecraft when they bought it

And won't disappear the moment someone decides they won't pay "licenses" for it to be on the service you paid for it.

Some guy has already done it:

https://unsigned.io/hardware/RNode.html https://reticulum.network/

We once got a letter from our isp because someone who was at our dnd game night was using our internet to download shit without telling us so that was fun.

He stopped when we showed him the letter (he was the only guy with a laptop so it had to be him at the time)

I do. I'm an idiot and already got emails from my ISP.

everytime ppl hate murican corpos more

FYI, SONY is a Japanese multinational corporation.

I'm also an American, and this is 100% accurate. My countrymen are assholes, and the only thing they've ever cared about are problems that directly affect them.