Asklemmy

The age gap might make a relationship difficult, but it's not wrong. Just make sure you have clear open communication and understand each other's expectations. You're both adults.

Check to see if there is a power differential here.

Are you an established adult with a Real Job and a nice apartment while she is struggling to figure out how to get out from under the thumb of her controlling family? Or is she happily making her own way in the world as a small farmer or boat salesperson or something while you have been futzing around painting skateboards and playing in a minor punk band?

Older people dating younger people can be wrong because it is easy for the older person to have too much power in the relationship. If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.

From a viewpoint of a 40+ you are practically the same age.

I'm turning 31 this year, and my girlfriend is 25.

We've been together six years now. I didn't realize she was still 18 until the end of our first date, and she caught that I was visibly startled by it.

I owned up that I didnt realize and assumed from our interactions that she was at least 20-22 and she laughed and apologized, saying she thought I knew her age.

After going home and thinking about how well we hit it off, and how she found my concern amusing, I decided I was being silly and that if the age gap was a problem it would make itself evident.

Best decision ever. Nothing wrong with paying attention to those things, just keep open communication with each other 👍

The thing is, she seems really mature

Every time I read this I cringe. Because most of the time this comes from someone that cant really judge that. You dont seem to know each other for a long time or have a deep connection.

Besides that I wish both of you the best and maybe it turns out as some of the positive stories in the other comments. Or not. Both are ok.

I agree with your friend, I think that you're overthinking. As long as both are adults and willing, I don't see anything wrong.

Lack of maturity can be a problem in the long run but it's a problem that goes away over time, plus it is not some unsurmountable barrier.

USAian society has probably told you there is some kind of formula to calculate whether it's alright. Fuck that. Treat her like a human, not some input to a formula. Be decent, communicate, and if she's fine with it and likes you, that's all that matters. Society shouldn't come between you and another human.

I dated a 5 year younger woman in my twenties for 5 years and while the age gap itself wasn't an issue to us or anyone else, what turned out to be an issue, was that she changed quite dramatically during those 5 years and we ended up growing apart. That's a feature of a young age though, not the age difference.

According to the universal dating age formula, (25/2) + 7 = 19.5, so I think you're good. Anything less would be creepy.

The moral panic about age gaps for any relationship where both people are over eighteen is so ridiculous.

You're fine. Just date her in you want to.

Your age, divided by 2, then add 7 = minimum age that most of society will deem okay.

For example:

25 ÷ 2 = 12.5 + 7 = 19.5

So the acceptable age for you to date that avoids the 'ick' is around 19 years old. Honestly it's not a big deal in the long run.

For me as long as your above 18 and it's consentual (ie. not forced, pressured, or groomed, etc), it's fine.

My wife is 7 years older than me. We met in college. I think I was 22. We've been married for 25 years.

Not sure that a 25 year old is in a great position to judge the relative maturity of a 19 year old, but in general terms the only issue here is if you find it an issue. If you can't be comfortable in the relationship then it doesn't really work for you and you shouldn't force it.

That said, there's no harm in exploring the prospect over the course of a few dates... just don't commit yourself until you feel comfortable.

Why do people consider bigger age gaps a problem? Because there's often a difference in maturity and experience that makes it harder to communicate, have the same goals and often puts the younger party at risk of being taken advantage of.

So if you think that the thing the age gap is a stand in for, a gap in maturity, doesn't apply, there's also no reason to get hung up on the number and mistake the map for the territory.

I think it's good that you're questioning yourself though and you should probably keep being a bit cautious about the situation and reevaluating yourself until you can be certain you two are on the same level.

I’m 8 years older than my wife. We’ve been together over 11 years. When we first got together, she was 21 and I was 29. Now I’m 40 and she’s 32.

As long as you’re both consenting adults, there’s no power disparity, you have commonalities, and you’re both at the same stage in life, age is meaningless.

When I was 25, I met a young woman who was also 19. I couldn't believe she was so young, because she seemed so mature. But it wasn't an issue for me either.

That was 12 years ago. We have been married for 5 years.

I mean, does the girl know what she wants and can she fend for herself in a romantic relationship? If so, then no, what are you worried about? The legal age is 18 in this country and if my nieces and their friends are any indication, women are maturing much faster than they used to and they matured faster than boys since almost always.

A more stringent test though is, are you taking advantage of her immaturity? As some others said, only you can answer those questions. But don't base it on how mature YOU were at 19, that's apples to oranges my friend.

People can be pretty immature at 40 also.

And not every relationship has to be the last one. You learn from every relationship.

it's fine, that gap isn't bad at that age. 22 and 16 would be a different story...

No. Imo, as long as both parties are consenting adults then I don't see the issue. Tbh, I thought society would be more progressive in regards to this by now.

It may be a better question to ask if you're immature enough to date her. A relationship doesn't rise to the level of the more mature person, it sinks to the level of the less. Do you consider yourself mature? If yes, you should move along. Are you a little behind your peers? This might be great for both of you! The amount of life experience and growing up is so great during 19 to 25 is so much per year that for this relationship to really serve you you probably need to be meeting in the middle. The idea that she should have to be making the sacrifices of a relationship you have in your late 20s isn't really fair to her.

Unless she's had some very difficult life experiences, she's probably not ready to forgo the types of relationships you have at 19, 20, 21 and she may really regret giving them up later. Maybe you didn't have those relationships which is why you're pursuing them now? If so, it may be a good fit!

If your life experiences up until now are similar (dating experience, financial experience, independence, working experience) then this relationship is more likely to avoid a power imbalance, but because she's so young, the most likely way for these to be true is if you're behind. It's unlikely she's going to have years of living independently while working to support herself under her belt, or several long term relationships.

A date or three to learn all this about her isn't going to hurt! Have fun! But if you learn she's inexperienced compared to you in most things, it doesn't matter how mature she is, it's unfair to her to put her in a power dynamic where she has to advocate for her needs with less life experience than you in so many categories.

I dated a 19-year-old at 25. We're almost at our 18 year anniversary. The further out you go, the less it matters, and 19 and 25 isn't bad.

She often states if we met earlier, we would have never dated.

I'm dating someone with about a 6-7 year gap. It's fine, age fades as you both get older, and honestly, just find someone who makes an excellent partner. Life is too short to worry about a small age gap.

Sometimes I remember my parents have a 18 years age gap, and I can't quite wrap my head around this.

I met my husband and we were the same ages. It was fine and we're still together years later. Just ask her out.