this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2024
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[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 hours ago

Ah the ol’ defenestration situation.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 hours ago

[Official KGB Statement]

We are shocked - SHOCKED! - to hear that our esteemed citizen, Vladimir Shklyarov, has taken his final bow on the great stage of life. We cannot stress enough that this was an honest and completely-not-at-all-intentional incident.

It appears (and we're not saying it's a coincidence at all) that Mr. Shklyarov was simply... um, reenacting a particularly rambunctious pas de deux with the building itself. Yes, you heard us right - he was doing a dance move so dramatic, so full of life, and so bereft of any actual physical control, that it could have been misinterpreted as an "accident" (we're sure).

We've spoken to his ex-wife, who claims he was trying to "dramatically" exit the apartment by stepping off the balcony (she's a bit of a drama queen herself, we hear). But we know the truth - he was simply on a mission to break the world record for most consecutive pirouettes in a single building.

The local reports of him being "trapped" in his apartment are, of course, completely fabricated. We're pretty sure it was just a... creative interpretation of the situation (wink, wink). And as for the painkillers? Oh no, those were just a bit of a... well, we won't mention that.

We'd like to remind everyone that in Russia, we have a saying: "The show must go on - and sometimes, it's better to let the curtains come crashing down." We're confident that Vladimir would have wanted it that way.

So, in light of this tragic... event (we'll get to the word 'tragic' later), we'd like to propose an official KGB investigation into the "unlucky" circumstances surrounding Mr. Shklyarov's passing. We're sure it will be a thorough and completely-not-at-all-biased inquiry.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 11 hours ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 hours ago

This is Russia, no joke.

[–] [email protected] 79 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I mean ballet dancers are known for being klutzy and prone to tripping over their own feet. Right?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 15 hours ago

Happens all the time, it's why they recommend you don't practice ballet on slippery roofs.

[–] [email protected] 110 points 1 day ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 13 points 16 hours ago

don't worry this is just normal tea I offer before I throw you off building

[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 day ago

"haha no problem, this is polonium tea"

[–] [email protected] 286 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Ballet stars, and their notoriously poor balance.

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[–] [email protected] 39 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (7 children)

So many people fall from their windows or balconies in Russia that I am surprised they are still legal

[–] [email protected] 21 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

Someone pushed for a new law outlawing them, but the efforts ended after he accidentally fell off a balcony to his death.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 15 hours ago

his proposal had quite the impact, they say.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 15 hours ago

they are still legal

People?!

[–] [email protected] 14 points 17 hours ago (6 children)

It's to make the point that they were murdered. It's a fear tactic with plausible deniability.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 15 hours ago

It's like how so many people in America did by hitting bullets with their squishy bodies.

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago) (1 children)

This is what happens when you loosen up regulations. Bunch of really shoddy sub-par balconies. They practically throw you off them.

You just know that once Trump takes office, a bunch of balconies are just gonna become death traps. Particularly balconies owned by Mexicans, Democrats, members of the "fake news", and transgender people.

This cisgender male Republican-owned balconies will still be safe. Miraculously.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 15 hours ago

Turns out Epstein didn't commit suicide after all: He just fell out of his notoriously unsecured cell window on the basement floor while the cameras were off.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 18 hours ago

Comrade Putin thanks you for your contribution, we will do as you suggest and make people illegal.

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[–] [email protected] 169 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (11 children)

A nice window to the future for US citizens critical of their government... a window ripe for defenestration...

If I die mysteriously from a fall, please refer to this comment.

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[–] [email protected] 60 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Russia be slippery. My heart goes out to these rare brave souls in a land of cowards.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

Give it 2 months for the US

[–] [email protected] 0 points 12 hours ago

The US would never do this. Too much money to be made in the prison industry with legalized slavery. Much better investment to put them behind bars to generate profit.

[–] [email protected] 43 points 1 day ago (3 children)
[–] [email protected] 1 points 24 minutes ago

Colonel Vadim Boyko 2022

Shot himself 5 times in the chest. Russia not even trying to hide it

[–] [email protected] 5 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

"Fell out of window."

"He was on the ground floor."

"Fell out of window and face-planted twenty-six times."

[–] [email protected] 1 points 7 hours ago

"Fell out of window... hard."

[–] [email protected] 8 points 17 hours ago

It's only Tuesday

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