this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2024
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[–] [email protected] 3 points 7 hours ago

[Official KGB Statement]

We are shocked - SHOCKED! - to hear that our esteemed citizen, Vladimir Shklyarov, has taken his final bow on the great stage of life. We cannot stress enough that this was an honest and completely-not-at-all-intentional incident.

It appears (and we're not saying it's a coincidence at all) that Mr. Shklyarov was simply... um, reenacting a particularly rambunctious pas de deux with the building itself. Yes, you heard us right - he was doing a dance move so dramatic, so full of life, and so bereft of any actual physical control, that it could have been misinterpreted as an "accident" (we're sure).

We've spoken to his ex-wife, who claims he was trying to "dramatically" exit the apartment by stepping off the balcony (she's a bit of a drama queen herself, we hear). But we know the truth - he was simply on a mission to break the world record for most consecutive pirouettes in a single building.

The local reports of him being "trapped" in his apartment are, of course, completely fabricated. We're pretty sure it was just a... creative interpretation of the situation (wink, wink). And as for the painkillers? Oh no, those were just a bit of a... well, we won't mention that.

We'd like to remind everyone that in Russia, we have a saying: "The show must go on - and sometimes, it's better to let the curtains come crashing down." We're confident that Vladimir would have wanted it that way.

So, in light of this tragic... event (we'll get to the word 'tragic' later), we'd like to propose an official KGB investigation into the "unlucky" circumstances surrounding Mr. Shklyarov's passing. We're sure it will be a thorough and completely-not-at-all-biased inquiry.