this post was submitted on 13 Jun 2024
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Off My Chest

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I just discovered my wife's secret credit debit (lemmy.world)
submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
31 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

We've been together for 20 years and married for 15. We're a great couple, the kind our friends think of as "couple goals". We rarely fight and when we do it's normally over something trivial. And almost never about money.

We tend to be frugal and usually discuss things before making any large purchases. I became disabled about a decade ago and she's been the "bread-winner" of the family. She works hard and I'm proud of her. With the sudden contraction in income we had to file bankruptcy about 7 yrs ago and we've been good about staying out of debt since.

I handle the finances of the house, which really just means I file our taxes and check our bank statements. Yesterday, I was trying to reconcile our bank statement and trying to build a budget using our banks new software. This required me to categorize these transactions, which is a pain when a lot of them just say Amazon or PayPal. So I go digging into this only to discover she has two PayPal accounts and one is carrying $2500 in debt! We're not well-off people and that's a lot of money.

I was heart-broken. It was like my soul was just sucked out of my body. I felt something between anger and disappointment. I couldn't believe it. She must have noticed my sudden shock and saw what I was looking at because she began to reassure me that she's about to pay $600 towards it. I didn't reply. I went for a long walk to clear my head.

We still haven't spoken about it yet. I don't know what to do. I'm not mad anymore but I'm so deflated. We were supposed to be partners in all things. We don't even buy each other gifts without conferring usually it's just a joint anniversary gift.

To make matters worse, I can understand how she'd do it. She's got impulse control problems because of her untreated ADHD. She tends to self-medicate with alcohol to unwind and likes "retail-therapy" for self-soothing. She also has rejection sensitivity and is aggressively defensive. So even asking her about this may cause an involuntary lashing-out. But I must. I just don't want to.

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[–] [email protected] 86 points 4 months ago (2 children)

$2500 is not worth losing your marriage over. Level with her and move on.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 4 months ago

This right here.

How ate you going to stay together for a long long time, and grow, without accepting a little sand in the machine from time to time.

What's up next, divorce because you don't like the same mivies anymore?

I understand, but now is the time for you to step in, so good luck, it's worth it.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 4 months ago

It's not about the $ figure. It's about whether you can trust your partner's judgment.

[–] [email protected] 42 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Do you want financial advice or relationship advice?

Because they are both the same. Talk to your wife. Have grace and compassion. She's probably been stressed about this for a long time, digging deeper and hoping she can crawl out of it.

Remember this is the woman you love. She's scared and ashamed. You're partners, and her problems are your problems.

Go to her and tell her you love her. Tell her you just want to understand what happened, but whatever it is, you'll pay it off together. $2,500 is not going to break you, and if you set up a payment schedule, you can budget around it.

Transparency, communication, and empathy will get you through this.

Once you're past the initial confrontation, it's also important to tell her how hurt and shocked you are that she kept this from you.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Ops wife is buying Funko pops on credit and you say use compassion? Lol wut?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago

Yeah, I mean, it's not about what she bought. The money is spent. Compassion is just like the bare minimum of a marriage...

I didn't know they were funko pops, though. Damn.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 4 months ago

She's probably both scared and relieved that you know. $2500 is a lot of money. Work together on a plan and move on. The difficult things that you face together improve your marriage.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 4 months ago

As others have said, $2,500 isn't worth throwing away your marriage. You love her, and she loves you.

However, I would recommend that you both explore couple's therapy. It's healthy to do a bit of a check-in!

I think the best thing to do is to help figure out how to manage stress and conflict more constructively for both of you. That nips the problem in the bud, and makes it easier for you two to talk face to face about issues that are sensitive or stressing you out going forward.

Counseling has helped a lot of my friends and family through tough situations, whether that is relationships, mental health, coming out, spending, stress, etc. It can be super helpful to get an outside opinion and advice from a party that isn't emotionally invested in a problem (such as a sibling, friend, or relative). I went once to get a fresh perspective on a longstanding problem and came out a new man.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 4 months ago

Lotta people in here ignoring OP's note about how sensitive and aggressively defensive the SO is. That will cause a relationship where one partner might get tired of trying and learn not to trigger them. They probably have serious inability to have hard discussions.

Simply saying to talk to their SO and don't worry about it, let it go, isn't real helpful. Having been in relationships with aggressively defensive people, it is a minefield to ever bring up any problem with them. There's almost no good sensitive way to do it with some people, and that gets tiring.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Get a personal loan and pay the debt off. Bing bang boom. Make up.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 months ago

Can she afford to look into ADHD treatment? Does she have health insurance? IMO it's totally worth it.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

OP if you are still struggling with this situation, it might be beneficial to you to examine what exactly is it that bothers you?

That she hid this from you?

That she is creating a debt you will be responsible for(if she is not willing/capable of managing this debt) without your consent? (You claimed that she has made you responsible for household finances)

That she is doing something without you?

Is it trauma from the situation that caused you to previously declare bankruptcy?

Is being in debt at all a trigger for you?

Theres lots of things about this situation that You probably dont stress over, but clearly something has you spooked by this. If you understand what doesnt bother you it might help navigate her defenses and focus on what is a problem, instead of wasting energy fighting over aspects of this situtuation you both can focus on what actually is bothering you and not the details that might lead the relationship to a worse place. Its just exhausting to be arguing over the wrong things. Its incredibly harmful to working things out

Ive been on the other end of this. She was the bread winner when we moved in together and then she kept changing jobs and not liking them eventually she was too depressed to hold a job at all. My 15$ an hour job was our only income for about 2 years at one point and i found out she had racked up 5000 on her credit card.

Before i found out she would always get upset about me questioning her use of that card. We were already in debt for a car we bought together and we were really struggling.

She eventually decided she was unhappy and broke up with me. Have dated 2 people since that didnt go anywhere and its been almost 15 years now

[–] [email protected] -1 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Op doesn't need to examine shit. It's obvious why op is entitled to be mad. She's spending money they don't have on things she doesn't need under the guise of therapy.

Nuff said.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

It entirely depends on what outcome OP is okay wiyh and how they approach getting there. You and I dont get to decide this, i was only offering OP a strategy to help under a specific context.

You can disagree with my advice all you want, its OPs opinion that matters

You are dictating what to do, i was only offering my viewpoint. I dont care if op finds my advice useless, they are simply welcome to it as thats they are the ones asking for opinions to help them make up their mind.

Take it or leave it, feel free to ask questions if you see a problem.

Im advocating for more discussion, you are shutting down discussion

[–] [email protected] -1 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (2 children)

This is a perfect example of why couples should maintain separate finances. Since she's the only person making money in the household that's impossible. But think about what you're really saying. You're heartbroken and infuriated that she spent her money, that she earned, on things that she wanted. Get some perspective and and realize that she's a grown woman who is financially supporting her family. She doesn't need your permission to spend her own money.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Point of contention. Shes not "spending het money" shes spending credit. Shes in debt without telling her married partner of 20 years.

Hes responisble for that debt as well, so its not about him controlling her earned money.

This is a trust issue, and since he is unable to earn money thats really fucking shitty of her to hide a thing like this from him. The amount isnt really the issue, he found out about this debt when it was small enough to be managed, but this could be the beginning of a much bigger incident.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I suppose that's a fair point.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago (1 children)

While i disagree with you in general about how you commented, i do believe each person in the relationship should have some form of personal discretionary funds available for whatever frivolous or not spending they want to do.

But that spending should not affect or effect the other person in the relationship in the way of putting the relationship, or the health and safety of anyone in it at risk.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago (1 children)

You're right, I should have taken the time to phrase it better. I feel strongly that couples should maintain financial dependence if at all possible. Money is the single biggest cause of divorce and there usually isn't a lot of reasons to argue over it if the relationship boundaries are structured correctly, and both partners are honest and respectful. In that I can understand OPs frustration, since he felt that she was keeping this a secret.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

And add to that i think the history of debt and bankruptcy cant be dismissed very easily as it adds a lot to the situation.

Things you and I dont know is what factors other than becoming disabled contributed to the previous debt. But thats for OP to weigh

[–] [email protected] -3 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I don't know what bitch ass downvoted you, so here is a upvote. This post is absolutely correct, OP is a bitch ass

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Please stop commenting online, you make this a worse place not a better one by being so toxic as to be calling people bitch asses

Just leave you arent being a good community member, you are cancer

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago

Perhaps people need to stop coddling OP. I don't know if you have ever been in a position where you were the sole person supporting an entire household, it's pretty hard to keep your sanity. OP isn't helping the situation with his tantrum. I'm calling it as I see it, he's being a bitch ass.

[–] [email protected] -4 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Oh man i was expecting $100,000+ debt. $2500 is nothing man im not even 30 with almost $12,000 in credit card debt and this is nothing compared to people with student loans my age.

Dont sweat it. Talk about it and tell her its okay and she should just mentioned it but its not a $2500 is nothing to fight over

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago

I declared bankruptcy for well over $25k in CC debt in my 20's. I don't like that I did, but I'm tens of years beyond that now and better for it.

A bucks a buck, but I wouldn't ruin my marriage over $2500.

Communication is key, for sure.