Idk if this is relatable at all, but I get a sort of “high” when things pile up (primarily in social/engagement contexts. I think part of it stems from the fact that I see numerous hints of something to do, but that is immediately offset by the thought/potential of negative engagement and/or rejection. There’s also the thought that once I do engage/respond, my “inbox” will never return to that level. And then I see that as a reflection of myself being too much/not enough. Rinse and repeat

God, it’s such a toxic cycle. I can’t remember any time in my life when I haven’t had this problem in some way, but I think it first started bothering me in high school when I would get unfollowed on instagram or people wouldn’t respond to my texts. So I kinda learned to just avoid and dodge what hurt. Honestly might have been earlier than that when I was deemed a loud mouth and always told to shut up/pay attention

I feel like it’s something I must learn to conquer though, especially in this day and age. I always think to the interactions I’ve had online where I do end up responding and connecting with people (though it doesn’t happen often). It’s like it suddenly dawned on me that I get so upset when I am lonely but sometimes go out of the way to ensure no one finds me. And when people do find me, I always keep them at a distance :/

I was going to effort post, but I will just say that this shit truly makes it feel like the world is ending. It’s wild how each day is worse than the last as they continue to force it into anything and everything, and genuinely the only way I can find peace is to spend as much time offline as possible. At this juncture though, it seems almost impossible :/

I haven’t seen my therapist in a bit and feel like he would just talk about my “avoidance” but as I’ve gotten to know my partner more, I see amplified traits of my past self that made me a bad person and were ones I spent years trying to fix. A damning realization I’d say, especially when I talk to them about it and they double down on it being a part of who they are. But it really turns me off, especially because things were absolutely incredible early on and I swore I found my soulmate, but these characteristics are part of the reason I’ve been in therapy for nearly 4 years now (e.g. unnecessarily argumentative, anger problems triggered by trivial matters, general emotional volatility) and it‘s really tough to face.

Part of me feels like we found each other because our subconscious minds noticed a familiarity in one another, but I do wonder if this is a recipe for long-term compatibility. Tack on to all of this the fact that I am a bit slower processing information than them, and I don’t know what to do. I first have to broach it with them of course, but even simply addressing my concerns about the relationship often ends in anger/tears :/

And they’re leaving it in my hands 🙃

Anyone have any suggestions for tools/technologies to look into? It will most likely take the form of csv extracts from system A with fields/objects to be mapped to system B.

Also, this question is truly an instance of how the internet is a fucking wasteland. I could’ve asked this question 5 or 6 years ago on Reddit and gotten something meaningful, but today I would get replies from tons of company accounts trying to sell me their garbage solutions based on LLM wrappers

I’m starting to think that I do not, and I suppose it will be one of the greatest tests I face. My partner is convinced that he will do anything for me, simply because “he loves me”, whereas I continue to have boundaries. They’re a bit of a hopeless romantic, honestly, and it seems like they’re trying to recreate a teenage-type love they never had.

I thought I was liked for more than my body, but that seems to be the main attraction here :/ And they almost seem offended when I don’t show the same level of interest in theirs and try to convince me to get on viagra or something (which is completely missing the point).

They will simply not recognize why the only reason they are feeling this way about Kirk is because the video of his death was extremely graphic, but would never have the same energy for the people dying in the same way in other countries. Idk I guess asking for consistency is asking for the world

I personally find nothing wrong with acknowledging that it’s horrendous that his children no longer have a father. But why does that always seem to terminate all thought and excuse every vile thing he stood for in his life 🤔 truly, it’s like a Godamn get out of jail free card

This is why I don’t spend a lot of time outside. People are extremely fake and always rationalizing their fakeness by hiding behind statistics that reveal them to be “normal.”

Organizational restructuring takes yet another. Shit sucks. Find it hard to remain hopeful for anything ever again in this state of capitalist America.

Unfortunately, I can’t write a program that manipulates a file faster than someone who knows the bare bones of LLMs. Even if I did use a LLM to do the same, it really wouldn’t matter. My fatal flaw was strongly believing that capitalists care about duct-taped deliverables, but unfortunately they couldn’t care less.

I really suck at mapping feelings to situations. I don’t know what causes this (I don’t know if the what or the why even matters), but sometimes it can fucking hit. I can go from feeling everything to feeling nothing, and the latter makes me believe I never truly felt the way I thought I did. Can anyone relate?

Maybe it’s as simple as boundaries? Maybe I discover dealbreakers that are hard to ignore? Maybe it’s because sometimes, I feel like I need more alone time than usual, and people always seem to take this personally. Which is why I force myself to hang around for way too long

I fear this is something that therapy can never fix because I am simply describing neurodivergence incarnate

Looking back on how I’ve always wanted the body I have now because I was certain that it would get me something is so fucking foolish in retrospect lmao I’m very blessed to have managed to kill that part of me at 17. Terrifying how it still persists in other grown ass people though. It should have always been for my own self.

Point being (and I hope to apply this to other aspects of life as well) is that all that changed is that I found routine that worked (which is the push I needed to get my shit together). Your mileage may vary with this approach to completing tasks, but it’s genuinely been unbelievable for me in terms of results. Admittedly there’s a lot of privilege that comes with this, but if you’re able to get to a point where you can do something at the same time everyday? Sky’s the limit

When I had an easy way to categorize my age, I felt way too comfortable around people simply because they were in my age range. Obviously it doesn’t work that way now that I’m exposed to people of all ages in work or when doing activities, but finding ways to relate has never seemed more difficult. I keep getting told that everyone is looking for some sense of community or whatever, but it’s so fucking hard to break in. Especially as a single person without many of the common life experiences you’re expected to have in your late 20s. What’s going on in my head is another problem. Like, I have some of the same voices that have been around since I was a kid. Aging, especially in a rapidly changing world going to shit in every way, blows.