I thought of a billion and one procedures I wanted to undergo, and though that is most certainly valid, looking back, I realized that it was my level of dysphoria at the time getting me to think I needed that many changes.

When I first began identifying as trans, I held myself to be a binary trans woman, but that's really because I had enbyphobic . It wasn't until I actually started questioning, "Calling myself a cis man and calling myself a trans woman both feel wrong. Why can't I pick one?", that the possibility of me being non-binary would enter the frame.

Even then, for a brief period of time, I still thought that my confusion about whether or not I was a trans woman could've just been social rather than internal because I was hanging around a lot of transphobic people. I thought this was just me being torn between calling myself what is socially acceptable (cis man) and what I "truly" am (trans woman), but it was deeper than that.

Nowadays, I've been on hormones for nearly 2 years, and I realized that, in the grand scheme of medical transition, there's only one surgical procedure I plan to get: orchiectomy.

I'm not dysphoric about my face, so I'm totally fine with skipping facial feminization surgery.

I thought of voice feminization surgery at one point, too, but 1) I learned to speak a lot more androgynously through training, but it's still not entirely natural and 2) I have been better learning to harness my singing style that allows me to sing both high-pitched falsetto (lmao at me saying a bunch of nonsense in the middle of this) and harsh death growls. The fear of what could happen to this dynamic if I tampered with my vocal cords alongside everything else is enough to put me off of this surgery.

I also thought of electrolysis at one point, but I actually have very little body hair to a point where I have to look at my skin really closely to see any, and even then, I still struggle to see any. It also helps that I'm dark-skinned. It then became clear to me that it would just seem like a hassle in terms of finances, mental health, and effort for me to seek that. I also don't feel a need to shave.

I don't even like wearing makeup too much, but I'm open to occasionally wearing it if I feel like being stylish one day. I wear a lot of Black clothes and like to take on a more overly "tomboyish" kind of aesthetic, so I realized that makeup isn't terribly in alignment with how I like to present myself, but some day, I could see myself wearing it just for the sake of feeling extra dolled up whenever the vibes call for it. I'm not closed off to wearing more feminine attire like skirts, either, but it would be a rare thing for me.

Basically, what I'm saying is that I feel a lot of relief knowing that I'd ultimately be maximally comfortable with an approach to transition that's far more minimalist than what I had initially planned. Even before starting HRT, I've always been perceived as quite effeminate both in terms of appearance (especially due to short height, a round baby face, and minimal body/facial hair) and mannerisms, so looking back, this does not shock me too much. The fact that my hair continues to get longer and my freeform dreadlocks continue to look more mature and something I'm willing to accept means that I'm growing to be more like myself with each moment.

After being trapped by transphobic family wanting to perpetuate my dysphoria, I must say this is actually quite a bloomer moment for me overall. Everyone's transition pans out differently, and I'm quite satisfied with where mine is going.

Interacting with white leftist ignorance is just too much of a chore and a toll on my mental health that I currently do not need right now. Hexbear isn't immune to it. In fact, I feel like too many crackers on this site are blinded by the "I'm one of the good ones" mentality to a point that they'd never take a step back in their life to sit and wonder if there's any way they can stop being so fucking upsetting to their EMPOC comrades.

Like I said in this comment,, white Hexbears are not some heightened level of better or less performative than your typical white leftist you'll find anywhere else.

I've been being more and more diligent with the job search and even went about ways of thinking outside the box to see if I can have a more solid chance at landing a gig. Once I actually get a job in the capacity to care for myself, the pattern will stay the same: I will only use this site for c/em_poc and c/mutual_aid, but in this case, I hope I can start using the latter more as a donor than a recipient. Unfortunately, the trans clinic job did not accept me.

It's really sad for me to sit here and reflect on the fact that, though I'm a newish user, I've heard of many past incidences of EMPOC Hexbears leaving this site because of this shit. It's really depressing, but it's not shocking, and it's not like it's any bit reasonable for me to expect this site to ever get any better about it.