I hate getting called “a burden”

But when I go to offer my work services to contribute to society. All the businesses (who are responsible for giving people permission to contribute to society) all say “Nah, I’m good!”

If you’re all set, I’m not a burden and I should be off the hook for the time being, right?

why does the mental health care system suck so much. i feel like im not even being helped at this point don't want to get into crazy specifics but shits been tough

Just asked a girl out for coffee so not super freaking out or anything.

I made a meme-esque joke about all the qualifiers for what I am looking for for a future partner and she's autistic, into metal, likes horror movies, and is a socialist. So that's 4 points lol. I met her Wednesday at a metal show after talking a bit online. We are both in the local pre-chartered Satanic Temple and met through there.

I'm gonna puke...

Oh so that's why I get like that sometimes

I go to work with mask on but I struggle with eating and drinking enough when I’m there for long. I don’t feel safe eating and drinking in public spaces but I also don’t really have another option :/

My body is a machine that turns soup into virus rna and cold sweat.

Still too sick to do any real stuff. Gonna be real, it's getting old.

I just got back from my second ultrasound. I had one on my chronically inflamed achilles tendon previously, and it showed the damage extended further down, today I had an ultrasound on my feet. It showed damaged ligaments in my feet and even something wrong with the bone in the left foot - some kind of deterioration, but the technician said someone needs to analyse these results in more detail. Anyway all these injuries and damage are the long-term results of the fact I've had a stroke, it left my left side weak and over time the tendons, muscles and ligaments and apparently even bone have deteriorated, and even the right side is having problems due to the extra stress of having to pick up the slack from the left side. So I'm going to spread the shockwave therapy out over the achilles tendon and feet. People helped me get enough money for 9 sessions and one scan, but having to pay for the extra scan plus transport expenses I ended up only having enough left for 6 sessions, which I paid for before any more of the money got spent. Now I am struggling to pay for transport for all this plus my usual medical appointments.

The fun thing about med school is that you will have lectures about really complicated molecular interactions followed by lectures that are like "And the pointy part of the needle goes IN the patient 😀"

adjusting my meds that don't actually work so i can tell my doctor they don't actually work again

I'm furious. My UTI isn't improving. I googled why the antibiotic I've been given (nitroforantoin) isn't working. It says it's not suitable for people with low kidney function - it's unlikely to work and can build up in the body and cause toxicity as the kidneys can't excrete it effectively. Why the fuck don't healthcare professionals consider the patient's other issues when prescribing stuff? Why do I have to google and research everything myself? Now I can have another horrible sleepless night thanks to this UTI.

Well I just filed an online complaint to my GP surgery about that creepy consultation, and complained to my local MP about it. No doubt nothing will happen, but I've done what I can to make sure no-one else is subjected to this.

I thought it was going well, I really did

I've had an absolutely horrible night with this UTI, it has become worse and I haven't had any sleep. Now I am having to deal with 111 - the NHS support phone line - trying to get a prescription for some antibiotics. I am so pissed off I am going to complain about this Steve wanker to the surgery and my local MP. I know they won't care or do anything about it but I am complaining anyway. When I told the phone operator at 111 what Steve said to me she was so shocked she didn't know what to say. The more time passes the more I realise how completely inappropriate he was. My landlady even said "Are you sure he actually worked there, are you sure he wasn't a mental patient who wandered in there and just started giving consultations?" She looked him up on the surgery website but he's not on there, he must be a locum. Neither of us have ever seen him before.

EDIT: Finally got a week's supply of antibiotics. My landlady drove me to the pharmacy, with the dog, who was sticking his head out the window, and parked right outside (since I'm still having problems walking). While I was waiting for it to be dispensed, the pharmacist saw the dog through the window and started squealing and cooing, "Oh, adorable. Oh, sweet little face!" Someone in the back heard her and called out "Is it a dog?" To which she replied, "Well, I wouldn't say that about a person, would I?"

My bladder irritation got so much worse a few days ago, I started to think I might have a UTI. But of course you can't just get a doctor's appointment any more. They won't see people for a UTI at first, you have to go to the pharmacist to get antibiotics, which I did. They haven't worked so today I asked for a doctor's appointment. My landlady drove me down there, with the dog in the car. The dog had his head out the window and a scruffy man came by and patted and talked to him. I did manage to get an appointment but it wasn't with a doctor. They try to palm you off on non-doctors like the practice nurse, healthcare assistant, or even paramedics now instead of an actual doctor.

So I went to the appointment, and the person clearly wasn't a doctor. The doctors are dressed smartly, wear suits and introduce themselves as Dr Whoever. This man was very scruffy with week-old stubble and a tatty, unclean T-shirt. He introduced himself as Steve but didn't mention his job description. He had a paramedic bag in the room, so maybe he was a paramedic. I told him the issue and I feel he was inappropriate.

First of all he asked if I was the person with the dog - turned out it was him who'd been patting him when he was in the car. He then spent ages banging on about how he fosters rescue dogs, getting his phone out and showing me all their pictures. When he finally got on to the medical issue and I explained my UTI symptoms and the fact my blood tests had been showing low kidney function and what should I do about it because maybe it is related to my issues, he said there's nothing you can do about low kidney function. Your kidneys just deteriorate when you're old and that's that. It doesn't sound right to me but I don't know enough to argue about it.

I said the antibiotics hadn't worked and asked for more. He did a urine strip test which showed an infection but he refused to give me more antibiotics, saying they're bad for you and all I need to do is drink water. He showed me his two-litre water bottle and said I should be drinking four of those a day. 8 litres a day, seriously? The NHS website says you should drink 1.5 litres a day. He then started talking about how Buddhist monks never get ill because all they consume is "grass and water," and told me I shouldn't eat meat because when you eat meat it stays inside you for years and rots.

He then started talking about my V@g1n@. (sorry don't know if people will complain about the use of this word and tell me to censor it). He seemed to think UTIs are in your V. He started asking about it, and telling me to soak it in the bath because it's "too acidic" and that's what's causing my problems. I said I only have a shower and he told me that when I'm sitting on the toilet I should get a bucket of water and pour it over my V to clean it. He went on and on about it with a weird look on his face, I honestly felt creeped out and violated. I very much got the impression it was some kind of power play that he could force a female patient to sit there and listen to him going on about her V when that isn't even the body part in question.

Then he started banging on about dogs again and asking 100 questions about my landlady's dog. Never had a medical professional behave like this before.

So the whole thing was horrid. The only useful thing was he said he'd make sure they check my kidneys again when they do my next blood test next week and maybe I could get a referral to a urologist.

Pfft, Nintendo Direct? Yeah ok buddy, we’ve got an Autism Direct at 4pm (est?) today.

Anyways I hate it here.

Hello my lovelies, I hope your coming two weeks will treat you with kindness, reprieve, and everything you need to be at ease. You got this, and you are appreciated, loved, and welcome here. Don't give up

Theres a cat that lives around my dorm who approaches me for head scritches but also gets offended and runs off if I scratch anywhere else. But it will also beeline for me across multiple yards, grass areas and jump over fences to get its scritches. I can only conclude I am good at head scritches

Now I'm getting worried that the complaint I filed might make things difficult for me at the surgery.

I'm usually okay at labeling my feelings but something particular causes me to feel something really bad, but I can't identify what. There's a bunch of negative things it could be but I don't know which it is. It's very frustrating.

Ive been living off soup and gum for too long. I'm gonna make... a sandwich.

Sorry I haven't been around the past few days, had another death in the family and am still trying to process it.

Know that I'm thinking of y'all and sending hugs to those that need it

spoiler

Going about my day and then all of a sudden remembering an abusive thing my dad used to do :kitty-cri: good vibe..

spoiler the thing He would pretty frequently threaten to destroy my stim/comfort items. Idk. I remember some of the specific threats. No wonder I have attachment issues tbh :::