Half my campus remains inaccessible to movement impaired students, I have reported the elevators not working about eight times over the last couple of months, they literally just aren't fixing it despite saying so. Luckily the only movement impaired student on this campus won't need to go there for at least a semester. But she's in an actual wheelchair so she's entirely fucked if they don't fix this.

ventures outside of a select few hexbear comms because of recent happenings

looks inside

ableism

ableist jokes against bad people are still ableist jokes, apparently this is an unpopular opinion

I was turned away from the pharmacy trying to get the new covid vaccine

[CW: This comment discusses abelism]

I got my blood test results. I have a folate deficiency, which is likely what's causing my symptoms. Probably caused by my diet as I have so many food intolerances now as a result of my cancer treatment that there are very few things I can eat without getting ill. Combined with eating less of the things I can eat because I'm always trying to make the food vouchers people give me last as long as possible as it often takes many attempts to get a response. The problem is, vitamin pills are migraine triggers for me, and the pills the doctor prescribed have given me a headache so I don't think i can take them. Everything is impossible. I guess I'll just have to try and eat more of the things I can eat after all.

The nd ability to turn like 30m of work into a full 4 hours (plus some pre game stress)

Love you all!

That's it. That's the post.

My migraines are adamantly opposed to letting me complete even the most low-stress, soft-deadline tasks.

let myself buy a treat for once today

So I think something clicked and I'm finally in recovery over this relationship mess. After she blurted out her uh... escapades in the dating pool last week, it fucking broke me. But I think it's what was needed. The final page in this chapter is now written.

After talking for way to long with my current contact in the PSL, we've both decided I need to take a step down from organizing as well. I think my plan was to poor everything into it but I'm in severe burnout and shutdown right now and it's pointless for me to do so. I need to recover. I'm just not well.

Things I've come to accept:

• I'm too autistic for a nuclear family dynamic. There is just too much I can't control. She is the messiest person I've ever known and the chaos of our living arrangement was keeping me in a state of overstimulation. The kids both being ND also don't help with stimulation issues. Also, nuclear marriage is patriarchal bullshit anyway.
• I'm either demisexual or I was never really attracted to her on a physical level. Emotionally, I loved her unconditionally.
• She stopped loving me a long time ago, I just don't know when. But it doesn't matter.
• It's only a matter of time before my partner gives up on supporting my neurodigerence.
• I need to shutdown occasionally and my partner shouldn't stop that from happening. She did. It's not healthy for my mental disabilities. I finally had a 3 day shutdown like 3-4 months ago. It's been like 8 years since the last one.
• We were never compatible from the beginning. We both just settled due to attraction. She was only really attracted to me because I told her that her ex was cheating on her. That's not how a relationship should start.
• She fucks on the first date. That is a huge red flag for me. It should have been then but I was desperate for companionship after being single for over a year at that point. Not shaming, but again, I'm probably demi. I fully support any amalgamation of post-capitalist sexuality and coupling.
• Our politics when we met were completely opposite. At the time I was Dem leaning and she war Republican leaning. This was before either of us moved to the left. I'm at least glad we both are on the left now but she might as well be a radlib for what it's worth.
• I want someone that will at least try to be healthy. I lucked out with a pretty physical job that I currently have and try to eat clean but her diet is gonna kill her. She's already pre-diabetic.
• I think I am best living alone. I probably want something casual if I ever find someone again. At least at first. I want to know we are compatible before going forward. But even if we start dating, I'll probably still have my own place. I will never marry again. I actually no longer believe that state-sanctioned marriage is even right. It ties both partners to the patriarchy and capitalism. That's some bullshit.(maybe I will do an essay on that down the road.)
• Family life has kept me from writing. A long held passion of mine. I'm taking a step back completely from organizing for the time being and will be pouring a lot of my free time into writing. I have a book I want to get done and published and at least 1 other essay idea floating around.
• I'm probably too old to find my baddy at this point but I'm gonna try to be more selective. They would need more interests in common than not. Atheist, socialist, and plant-based diet are probably the most important traits for me right now. So, I probably need to move to another part of the country lol.

I'm still unpacking this all. I joke about it but I really sort of just want someone I can hang out on the couch and watch dumb campy horror movies with here and there. The dating sites suck. I wrote about that the other day. This city isn't welcoming for people like me.

Starting in 2026, or when I am recovered enough, I'm gonna get back into organizing. I'm done with the radlib shit. I can't work with those people anymore. I want to start building out a cadre here so I'm gonna focus on educational events. Just not sure what that will look like yet. I have a friend who is a member and he's got some experience. He is probably gonna take over in my stead. I also met with and talked to a young college aged socialist that is going through a Marxist foundational reading list. I think it's the MUG list and it's pretty similar to Cowbee's. He seems really promising as a candidate.

I'm gonna take the rest of the year to finish getting ready to move, get moved, get settled into my new chapter in life, take a lot of time for self-care, write as much as my fingers will allow(think Kerouac on meth) and just try to start the next year refreshed and ready to go. I'm getting back on meds and will stick to them unless they affect my poetry. If they make me too happy to be sad, I'll figure it out from there. Next book, I'm hoping to get published late next year. I have 5-8 things for it but my goal is 50 poems and then pick 30. It will be 3 parts with 10 each. And an epic piece at the end which I already have an idea for.

I'm so angry at how shitty my healthcare is. Months ago a blood test showed I have impaired kidney function. Nothing was done about it, I wasn't told to do anything differently. During that time they've been prescribing me ibuprofen gel, which I've been using daily on my achilles tendon. This week they got my blood test results showing my kidney function is even worse, and didn't tell me to make any changes. Just repeat the blood test in a few weeks. I've been googling it, and you aren't supposed to use inbuprofen, not even the gel, if you have impaired kidney function. It makes it worse. And they've been prescribing it to my knowing my kidney function is impaired. And my symptoms are getting worse, I feel like I need to urinate constantly. And what's even more infuriating, I've had excessive urination symptoms for several years and they just told me it was probably a just interstitial cystitis - an autoimmune bladder disease - and not to worry about it. This whole time it was my kidneys and they've worsened in that time. The entire medical profession is shit and should be shut down.

Here's to another two weeks of keeping going despite everything that comes at us. I believe in us, and I know we'll be alright. Take care lovelies, you got this

I went to the shop today and as I was outside an extremely drunk man came staggering along. He stopped, looked me up and down and got a huge grin on his face and yelled, "HA! I've got more money than you!" And then staggered off. I've never seen him before in my life, I guess I must just look really poor. It did give me a laugh though, at least.

In regards to recent events - There's a way we can directly communicate with admins/other mods, when needed. If you want or are comfortable you can DM me threads/concerns from communities and/or comments and I can take them to the powers that be. As a Disabled community mod I want to spread awareness and encourage change to keep our community safe, but I'm not as active on the site as a whole so I do require help in this regard. This goes for everyone reading this: I will go to bat for you if you need it, just please let me know so I can take action. I will never directly link any complaint or concern back to you and will take your anonymity seriously. We can and should do better. I love all my disabled comrades. We're here for you.

so bored and tired

I made a falafel sandwich with tomato salad and a homemade garlic spread. Also I got a really nice haul at the food bank. Today is good.
I'm gonna make seitan for sandwiches for the rest of the week now.

My achilles tendon has gotten worse. God, I hope the shockwave therapy helps! It's starting at the end of this month. I went to the pharmacy today to see if they had a med I've been prescribed in the brand I use, the pharmacist not only wasn't wearing a mask but held the medication box up to her face and rubbed it against her mouth. What is wrong with people? They should be wearing masks and not rubbing their mouths on things, this is medication for an immunocompromised cancer patient. I didn't want it after seeing that, I'd been prescribed two boxes and they only had one in stock so I rejected it on those grounds. Well, at least I don't have a box with someone's germs all over it, but now I have to find somewhere else to get it from.

Oh, and I was meant to get my blood test results on Monday, the blood tests about why I have constant pins and needles in my legs now and why my hair is falling out so badly. But the doctor was off sick and apparently no-one else is available so I have to wait until she's back. It's so hard getting medical help these days. And the ophthalmology department keeps sending me letters telling me to make another appointment, but whenever I phone I can't get through. Now they've sent me a letter threatening to kick me off the list, how is this my fault?

Gonna write a novel with major adaptation potential about a disabled assassin / serial killer who targets anti-vax influencers and gets away with it by arguing self-defense. It's Dexter meets Day of the Jackal, except the crutches that become a sniper rifle are also actually crutches.