::: spoiler identity, self, question marks

Identity exists between the observer and the observed. Thats the best I got. It exists between the observer and the observed. It isnt stateful, it isnt some thing you have, its rooted in what you do, how you do it. Its rooted in how you see and embody yourself, and how the world sees and constructs you. Its in the crafting and the correction. Its in the doing and the being done. Its in the seeing and the being seen.

Identity is a verb.

So why dont i feel like I am one? Why am I unidentified? Unidentifiable? Why is there no continuity between identity forming events, identity forming acts of observation? I dont identify as, that linguistic construction betrays the roots of identity, it ignores the way it is formed. I dont have gender cause its some thing that I have, I dont feel a gender and therefore its me. I am my gender, my sex, because I observe myself in that way, because others observe me. I think this is why it hurts so much, to be denied basal identity. Its not just predicated on violence, etc., its an assertion that my fundamental perceptions are incorrect. Do not believe your lying eyes.

So why dont i have an identity? Why am I drifting in space? My friends say I have one. But I dont see it, I dont feel it, I dont observe it. When I try to observe myself I see nothingness. Sometimes theres something. Other times theres nothingness. I have different modes, different ways of being. Theyre all me, because they are all occurring within the same physicality. The demarcated entity correctly referred to as [real name redacted]. But they aren't the same. Some are preoccupied with one thing, others with another. Some have drive, though most have very little drive or motivation (as evidenced by everything remaining undone). I have more stability, both internal and external, than I have ever had before. But its not enough to stabilize identity processes. They would be coherent, cogent, whole, if only they would occur together. But they are disparate. They dont co-occurr, they dont have coherence between them. They are singularly existing. How do I even talk about them? I'm not doing a good job of it. All of the modes are me. They have something tying them together. Idk what it is. But its something.

I am a collection of processes, cognitive emotional and physical. I am the sum of these processes and their interactions. I am an emotion, a feeling. I am a thought, an idea. I am an action, a doing. But I am not me. There isnt enough to be a me. Just a collection of processes. Any one might currently be expressed. It will have its own subprocesses. It will shape everything I do, and eventually it will yield to another set of processes.

What one process learned a year ago may be wholly new to another. They are self contained but uncontainable. They are linked, somehow, together. They hold each others hands, somehow. But they dont see or hear or feel the other. Except they must. How could I even write what I have written if I never saw felt or heard these other identity facets?

I am deeply confused.

Who is I am me?