Anyway, riddle Me this: If the opposite of life is death and the afterlife, then how are Christians who go to heaven getting eternal life like Jesus said?

Many Christian sects reconcile it by asserting resurrection and then heaven.

No, in this specific context where Jesus is talking about moral deserts, he’s constructing heaven’s afterlife as a form of eternal life. So why is Jesus promising eternal life, if everyone gets eternal life anyway?

Most people would not regard eternal torture after death as a form of life.

My interpretation is that Hades and Sheol are two different places. Jews go to Sheol, Greeks go to Hades. The rich man in the parable is a Greek

Why do you say he's a Greek? And again, this goes against the fact that Judaism at the time of the New Testament had been aggressively monotheist, not just monolatrous, for several hundred years. This also contradicts the fact that Jesus asserts that any man who does not follow him will suffer in the afterlife, not just Jews.

Jesus was a really nice guy, so I’d think he’d be a polytheist and respect other religions.

Is this the same Jesus who said that people who felt lust should tear out their own eyes? The same Jesus who asserts his followers must despise everyone except for him? The same Jesus who proclaimed to bring not peace, but a sword, and to fulfill the brutal Old Testament law?

On the other hand, being tortured in Tartarus really sucks, so I can see him trying to convert Greek sinners to save them from that bullshit.

Then it would be extremely curious that he spent all of his time preaching in Iudea if he sought to convert Greeks.