FREDERICKSBURG, VA—Unable to fully avert their gaze as the situation unfolded, sources in the men’s locker room at Capital Fitness confirmed Thursday that a middle-aged gym patron put on his shirt before his underwear. “I swear the guy’s pair of briefs were sitting right there on the bench, but he just ignored them and went straight for his shirt,” said onlooker Mike Housakos, who noted that instead of continuing to dress himself after buttoning his shirt down to his waist, the man then walked all the way to the opposite side of the locker room to deposit his towel in the bin. “And it’s not like he was in any rush to get his underwear on after that. He even picked up his phone and looked at it for a little bit. Jesus.” Sources confirmed that at press time, the half-nude man was putting on his socks.

IRVING, TX—Despite having frequently visited NFL locker rooms for several years, Dallas Morning News sports reporter Adam Laverty confirmed Monday that he’s still not accustomed to the sight of Cowboys owner Jerry Jones walking around naked after every home game. “At the end of the day, it’s a locker room, so you definitely expect to see guys changing in there, but it still feels a little weird when Jerry comes out of the showers dripping wet and totally nude,” said Laverty, adding that it is not uncommon for the 71-year-old to playfully snap towels at Cowboys players in the middle of postgame interviews with reporters. “He’ll stand there toweling off for 20 minutes, and then he’ll do a few laps around the locker room with absolutely nothing on, talking to different players and giving his thoughts on the game. It’s very distracting.” Laverty confirmed the situation has become increasingly awkward since he noticed that the discolored mole on Jones’ scrotum has been growing larger every week.

Gorsuch, who reportedly changes clothes in the Supreme Court locker room by clutching a towel to his waist and attempting to shimmy his briefs down his legs, said he feels nervous removing his robes when his fellow justices are present and is accustomed to far more privacy than what the court’s communal showers provide.

“I wish there were stalls or even just a few curtains, because I’m really not comfortable stripping down around all these older justices that have been doing this forever,” said Gorsuch, who is typically the last of the court’s nine members to leave the bench and file into the locker room, where dirty, sweat-stained robes are casually removed and flung in the direction of a laundry cart. “I’ve been skipping the showers and just rubbing a little deodorant under my robes before going home, but that feels kind of gross. And waiting for everyone to leave doesn’t work because [Chief Justice John] Roberts takes super long showers and always stays late.”

“Maybe if I just run in and do a really quick rinse it won’t be that bad,” continued the 113th person to serve on the nation’s highest court.

Gorsuch confirmed that none of his colleagues seem to share his reservations about appearing naked before one another, noting that Justice Clarence Thomas doesn’t hesitate to tear off his perspiration-drenched robe and hop into one of the ice baths following a long day of legal deliberations. The newest and youngest member of the court added that he was especially caught off guard by 80-year-old Justice Anthony Kennedy’s tendency to wander from locker to locker in the nude as he animatedly recounts and breaks down each of the day’s key arguments.

According to Gorsuch, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is known to bring six-packs of Budweiser into the shower following a big victory in a landmark case, which he said is a type of behavior he never observed while on the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals back home in Colorado.

“There’s usually a lot of whooping and hollering after a verdict is handed down, and it can get a bit rowdy in there,” said Gorsuch, who was assigned a rusted metal locker that has reportedly remained dented since a frustrated Warren Burger slammed his fist into its door after dissenting in the 5-4 ruling of Furman v. Georgia back in 1972. “Last week Kennedy slingshot his dirty jockstrap into the face of one of the clerks passing out fresh robes, and Roberts hasn’t been able to get his gavel down from the ceiling since [Justice Elena] Kagan stuck it up there with athletic tape. People are always telling me how [Antonin] Scalia loved to sneak up on people changing and snap his towel on their asses, so I’m at least glad I wasn’t around for that.”

“Although yesterday, when [Justice] Sonia [Sotomayor] saw I was going to wear my old swim trunks in the shower, she dumped talcum powder all over my head and called me a ‘textualist little bitch,’” the 49-year-old jurist added.

Gorsuch went on to say that he is equally reluctant to lower his guard around Justice Samuel Alito, who is known to press his buttocks in the faces of unsuspecting court members when they’re sitting on the locker room’s bench and bending down to tie their shoes.

Reflecting on the poor hygienic habits of his colleagues, including the propensity of some to urinate while in the shower, the former appellate judge shared with reporters his fears of contracting a staph infection like the one that spread through the locker room and prematurely ended the 1999 session of the Rehnquist court.

“I realize this stuff comes with the territory, and eventually I’ll have to bite the bullet and hit the showers like everyone else,” said Gorsuch, who acknowledged he has already come to accept the open secret of the court’s widespread prescription painkiller abuse. “It’s not that I’m a prude or anything—I just feel a little self-conscious.”

“Especially after seeing [Justice Stephen] Breyer’s monster cock,” he added.