Hi everybody!
I'd originally planned on having a big effort post, but I've had some Bad Brain^TM^ the last couple weeks so that'll just have to wait until next time.
In the meantime, it's my 2 year HRT Anniversary! These past couple years have also been the first time I've really been in community with other trans folx; I've had so many breakthroughs and discoveries of myself that I don't think would have been possible without that and I can't be thankful enough.
I hope everybody has a lovely week!
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The need you described is called perfectionism and its only going to hurt you. In voice training, in learning anything.It is a shitty attitude to think other peoples voices are clocky and therefore bad, and you know it is. I don't think this is what you really believe and you should interrogate this feeling because its a) not serving you and getting in the way of you training, which is making you miserable and b) you need to consider what a "clocky" voice that cis people dont notice actually means. I've met plenty of cis women and cis men with a "clocky" voice because voice isnt dimorphic and what is a masc or femme voice is socially determined. Its bimodal because yes sex hormones do play a role in the development of vocal chords as someone ages, but what a masc voice sounds like is determined culturally and it was trained into you by a social schema that likely included bullying and cruelty or just ambient oppression ("dont talk like that, you sound like a girl" etc as if its a bad thing).
The voice you want wasn't handed to you by puberty and an oppressive gendered social schema that didnt fit you like it was for cis women. You can change this - and the way you talk about how it makes you feel makes it seem vital and urgent that you start changing it. And maybe need to come to terms with being kinda okay or whatever while youre training - and that might start with loving other trans women when they aren't perfectly passing or at least yourself. Whoever is telling you that its impossible because of some genetics or phrenology or whatever, you need to get away from that space.
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I mean yea I am a bit of a perfectionist. But I'm also just really sensitive to sound and really dysphoric about my voice.It's not quite what I believe, true. Other people's voices are noticeably not cis (to me) and that is not what I want. At all. It's not inherently bad or anything. I really don't care what other people do for themselves personally. It is just not something I would feel comfortable with for me personally. There's lots of things other trans people want or are fine with that aren't for me. Even dysphoria specific things that I don't have or whatever. Hell people live their lives and drag queens, it's fine whatever just not what I want or how I want to be perceived.
It means I can tell/suspect their trans. Like I can tell their voice is a little strained, or it's "off" sounding. I can't exactly describe it. But it's noticeable and not what I want. It seems very, very hard to get a voice that doesn't have this quality. I also don't really understand what you mean about plenty of cis people sounding clocky- I've heard some cis women that do sound a bit off too but never cis men. I'm less good at clocking trans guys though (probably because T actually changes your voice, and I'm not a trans guy so idc as much). Although plenty of trans guys do still have clocky voices, mostly because they haven't been on it long enough or at a good dose.
It definitely is vital and urgent. I just feel like I can't get over the hump. I do love trans women who happen to have clocky voices/ones that I wouldn't be happy with. One particular poster who I very much loved had a completely untrained voice and I miss her a lot. I don't not love trans women just because they're voices don't pass to me and it makes me very sad I come across like that.