this post was submitted on 26 Nov 2024
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Sorry about the aggression. Drag thought you were unfairly judging people for the way they are, and wanted to make you feel the way you make people with NPD feel.
Drag thinks you've maybe understood the meaning of the word "maladaptive". It doesn't mean hurting other people. It means hurting yourself. Remember, diagnoses are part of medicine. Medicine is about helping the patient. It's not about judgement. People with NPD require an excessive need for praise, and it's maladaptive because it hurts them. The diagnostic criteria don't have anything to do with whether it hurts other people. That's not a factor.
Drag interpreted your statements as wildly aggressive, because drag assumed you knew this. Drag can forget how little some people know about the field of medicine. Try to think about what you said in the context of the maladaptivity applying to the patient: "You have feelings that hurt you, and having those feelings is an act of abuse." That's what the discourse is if everyone understands that medicine is about helping patients. Drag forgot that not everyone spends hours pondering the philosophical purpose of medicine.
Anyway, before drag hits post, drag wants to share an article drag read which really contextualised the last two thousand years of history of the use of the word "narcissist": https://medium.com/@viridiangrail/narcissus-wasnt-an-abuser-he-was-queer-15a74e456838. The people who said the word started out being about abuse lied to you.
Honestly, drag agrees with your mother in law on one thing: the psychiatrist who told your husband he doesn't have NPD wasn't following professional standards.
Lack of self reflection is not a diagnostic criteria of NPD. That psychiatrist was not following the DSM, they were following their own preconceptions. That's not ethical. And it's not supported by the research, either, because the current research actually shows that people with NPD struggle with self doubt a lot. That's where the "excessive need for admiration" comes from. They need to be told they're not a failure. Your husband needed to be told he's not a bad person. Drag isn't saying your husband has NPD; he probably doesn't. Drag is saying the psychiatrist's reason was wrong.
Maybe your psychiatrist is actually competent, and was telling a comforting lie to soothe your husband's fears. Or maybe they were letting their preconceptions and stereotypes compromise their professional judgement.