Id add to the general speculation it seems not just depression but dissociation is your main issue. Life lacks salience because your brain is dissociating away so much pain the parts of your brain that are meant to feel things are overmodulated meaning no activity can be had.
I would look into bessel van der kolks work on traumas neurological effects!
no no you see the japanese say "daeto" which is a totally different word :smuglord: