A comedian’s modest proposals for the Democratic Socialists of America

October 17, 2026 | By Larry David

I recently attended a meeting of the Democratic Socialists of America, where I officially enrolled as a member. Though I was new to the party, I put forth a number of proposals, many of which were met with considerable enthusiasm and, I’m happy to report, have now been incorporated into their manifesto. I present them herein.

1. Let’s never forget we’re all in this together. Therefore, we have determined that all doors to private homes must remain unlocked at all times. Strangers may enter as they please to open your fridge, use your bathroom, floss, or just relax and watch a ball game. This open-door policy is the perfect way to get to know our fellow Americans.
2. Our open-door policy will also be extended to our borders, where anyone will be able to enter our country if they choose to do so and will be welcomed by a marching band, performing a medley of John Philip Sousa Americana classics. Now that’s how you make a person feel at home!
3. We contend that the only way anyone can be rehabilitated is through the simple act of love. When the D.S.A. takes over, it will be our policy to close the jails and release all prisoners. Once released, the former prisoners will continue to walk around in their orange jumpsuits, the easier to spot them. People will be encouraged to give them a pat on the back, offer some words of encouragement, and maybe even get them to open up about their crimes. Imagine how upsetting it must be to know you’ve taken a life! To err is human, to forgive, divine. With empathy and compassion, it’s easy to see a day when these former convicts will be contributing to society in a very meaningful way.
4. In our Socialist America, everyone will be so fulfilled spiritually and financially that the police department will be dramatically reduced to where an officer’s only job will be to adjudicate domestic disputes. Toward that end, stands will be set up at local farmers markets, where they will work to resolve marital issues in a folksy, farm-to-table manner. Fresh berries will be provided.
5. There are individuals who feel a deep, psychological or spiritual identity as non-human animals and often wear costumes called “fur suits.” These individuals will have license to relieve themselves wherever they choose to do so, without shame or harassment. Poop-bag dispensers will be placed throughout every city and in all public establishments, along with scratching posts.

“Stands will be set up at local farmers markets, where police officers will work to resolve marital issues in a folksy, farm-to-table manner. Fresh berries will be provided.”

6. The loss of a dog can be devastating and, in some cases, worse than even when a human passes. Recognizing that, we at the D.S.A. will institute a three-week bereavement period during which pet mourners will continue to receive full work compensation. This benefit will also apply to the loss of a cat, turtle, parakeet, or goldfish. For certain farm animals, such as chickens, donkeys, goats, and pigs, the bereavement period will be reduced to two weeks. Conversely, if you are the proud owner of a new pet, you’ll be granted a two-week paternity leave to bond with, house-train, and teach it commands. You’d be surprised what a goldfish can do if you get them early.
7. In an effort to make amends for centuries of slavery, reparations will be instituted, along with a lottery system in which white people will be selected to serve as slaves to Black families for one year. Lashings are encouraged for excessive whining, and government-issued whips will be distributed at no cost.
8. We’re not above using great ideas that have been implemented successfully in other countries. One of them that we’re very excited about is the siesta for the workingman. There will be two siestas every business day, the first from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m., and another one in the afternoon, from 3 p.m. to 4 p.m. Employers will be required to provide cots.
9. The D.S.A. has great respect for religious traditions. Because of our burgeoning Muslim population, we want to take all measures to give these people a strong sense of belonging in America. Along those lines, we’ll require that all Caucasian women wear a hijab on weekends in solidarity with their Muslim sisters. In addition, Jews will no longer be allowed to refer to themselves as “the Chosen People.” Henceforth, their new nickname will be “the Bagel People.”
10. We strongly believe in a two-state solution. To this end, we propose that Palestinians should be given all the land currently occupied by Israel and that Israel should be given Pitcairn Island in the South Pacific, where the weather is beautiful and grapefruits are aplenty. We think the Bagel People will be very happy there.
11. Firing is prohibited in Socialist America. The only way anyone will be able to replace a worker is to trade them to another company, like they do in professional sports. The worker will also have a “no trade” clause in their contract so it can be voided if they choose to do so.
12. We Democratic Socialists love to laugh … but not at the expense of others. The last thing we want is for any person to be offended by a joke that targets them or someone they know. No one should ever have their feelings hurt. Consequently, any comedian who is responsible for causing emotional discomfort in any way will be sent to a facility where they will be re-programmed and hopefully emerge with a greater awareness of the sensitivities of their fellow citizens. If, however, the re-programming is unsuccessful, the repeat offender will be sent to Pitcairn Island to live with the Bagel People.

Well, there you have it. We’re very excited about the opportunities and challenges that lie ahead. Our ideals can be summed up by a great philosopher who once said, “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.” We hope you’ll consider joining.

https://nitter.click/Eminem/status/2111311830572552546#m

Not about choosing sides, just choosing to make music with my old friend. Praying for all of us. #HealMyFaith @KidRock

https://archive.is/ZVuV3 (stereogum)

Eminem Defends New Kid Rock Collaboration

Kid Rock and Eminem's new collaboration has been turning heads. Though the pair have been friends for decades, their political views are famously opposed, as Kid Rock is an avid MAGA supporter and Eminem is a vocal critic of Trump. In a new post, Eminem defended his decision to work with the controversial figure.

"Not about choosing sides, just choosing to make music with my old friend. Praying for all of us," Eminem wrote about "Heal My Faith," which comes from Kid Rock's new Christian album Halfway 2 Jesus. In his verse, Eminem raps, "From shock rap to the rock rap, my homie and me/ He is my brother, not my political enemy."

In an interview with Billboard, Kid Rock said about Eminem, "We've been friends for, like, 40 years. I really didn't want to drag him into my political world…. We talk about [politics] a little bit, not a ton. There's a lot of stuff we agree on, and we can have a laugh about what [we don't]. That's why I asked him to write a verse for me."

Last month, Kid Rock was supposed to perform at a MAGA festival in Kentucky but it was canceled because only six people bought VIP tickets.

This is the lyrics to the Kid Rock song featuring Eminem. The song was released yesterday. Lil Wayne is also featured on a different track of the album.
https://genius.com/Kid-rock-heal-my-faith-lyrics

https://nitter.click/RepScholten/status/2111230626921615634#m

Today, I received a threatening letter at my Grand Rapids, Michigan office that contained unidentified white powder. The letter, which claimed to be from the Democratic Socialists of America (DSA), made a direct and specific reference to an impending “civil war” beginning after the election. The letter sent to my office is similar to those received at other congressional offices across the country. The DSA has not yet addressed the attacks, either to condemn them or to take or deny responsibility. The Grand Rapids Police Department and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) responded immediately.

Threats and extremism are not signs of strength—they are signs of a weak mind and weak character. Political intimidation has no place in our democracy, and leaders must condemn it, not excuse it. I’ll keep standing up to bullies on the right and the left.

https://archive.is/N403L (congress gov website)

October 16, 2026 Press Release

GRAND RAPIDS, MI – Today, Congresswoman Hillary Scholten (D-MI-03) received a threatening letter at her Grand Rapids, Michigan office that contained unidentified white powder. The letter, which claimed to be from the Democratic Socialists of America (DSA), made a direct and specific reference to an impending “civil war” beginning after the election. The letter sent to Congresswoman Scholten is similar to those received at other congressional offices across the country. The DSA has not yet addressed the attacks, either to condemn them or to take or deny responsibility. The Grand Rapids Police Department and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) responded immediately.

The Congresswoman released the below statement on the incident.

“My first thoughts today are with my staff who opened the mail and the first responders on the scene. Everyone is safe. The people who work in congressional offices are public servants. They work every day to help constituents and serve their communities. No one should ever feel unsafe doing that work. I’m thankful to law enforcement for their professionalism, and I’m proud of my team for staying calm and looking out for one another.

“Even as law enforcement works to verify the authenticity of these letters sent to congressional offices, it is the responsibility of the DSA to condemn these threats done in its name—and to refute responsibility if there is none. Unfortunately, this is another instance where the DSA has excused or ignored extremism. Extremists resort to threats, intimidation, violence, and terrorism when they fail to convince others of their ideas on the merits. That is a sign of a weak mind and weak character. The DSA has allowed extremists in its movement who not only allow but justify violence as a viable means to achieve political ends.

“Regardless of party or origin, extremism must be rejected, condemned, and removed from our political discourse. Far too many leaders and civilians are looking the other way right now, and innocent people are being put in harm’s way. I won’t ever stop standing up to the bullies—on the right or the left. The American people deserve no less. My team and I will keep serving the people of West Michigan.”

Ribbon-cutting Ceremony of DPRK-China Amnok River Bridge Held

Pyongyang, October 16 (KCNA) -- At a time when the work to deepen exchange and cooperation between the DPRK and China is designed and dynamically accelerated, the DPRK-China Amnok River Bridge was completed.

The bridge is the creation reflecting the invincible vitality and development of the DPRK-China friendship which has preserved its nature despite the trials of history.

The modern bridge enables the two countries to boost the bilateral economic relations.

The ribbon-cutting ceremony of the bridge was held on the spot on October 15 amid the expectation and interest of the governments and peoples of the two countries.

Present there were Yang Myong Chol, chief secretary of the North Phyongan Provincial Committee of the Workers' Party of Korea, Ri Jong Hyok, vice-chairman of the North Phyongan Provincial People's Committee, Ri Ryong Nam, the DPRK ambassador to China, Ma Jong Su, the DPRK consul general in Shenyang, officials concerned and officials of the Party and power organs in North Phyongan Province and Sinuiju City.

On hand there were Xu Kunlin, secretary of the Liaoning Provincial Committee of the Communist Party of China, Bai Ying, vice-governor of the Liaoning Provincial People's Government, Wang Yajun, the Chinese ambassador to the DPRK, and officials in Beijing and local areas including the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Liaoning Province.

The national anthems of the DPRK and People's Republic of China were played there.

Li Qiang, premier of the State Council of the PRC, and Pak Thae Song, premier of the Cabinet of the DPRK, made speeches through video conferencing.

Li Qiang warmly congratulated the opening of the China-DPRK Amnok River Bridge in the deep attention of Comrade General Secretary Xi Jinping and Comrade General Secretary Kim Jong Un on behalf of the Chinese party and government.

He confirmed that the Chinese party and government would remain unchanged in their firm attitude to highly prioritize the China-DPRK friendship no matter how the international situation may change and in their firm support to the socialist cause of the DPRK led by Comrade General Secretary Kim Jong Un and in their firm determination to defend the common interests of the two countries and strategic environment.

He expressed his willingness to thoroughly implement the important common understanding of the top leaders of the two parties and two countries together with the DPRK side, deepen political mutual trust and expand the practical cooperation and thus contribute to the development of the China-DPRK relations and the promotion of the well-being of the peoples of the two countries.

Pak Thae Song said that the opening ceremony of the bridge serves as a significant occasion of not only connecting the branches of the two countries in a fresh, natural and geographical way but also firmly linking the friendly ties between the peoples of the two countries who have shared life and death for a long time.

It is the consistent stand of the DPRK government to steadily put the DPRK-China friendly and cooperative relations with socialism, the common idea, common banner and the common cause, as the core on a new strategic height in conformity with the interests and desire of the peoples of the two countries, he stressed.

Expressing belief that the bridge would accelerate the advance for the prosperity of the two countries and the well-being of the peoples and add fresh vigour to the equally-beneficial economic cooperation, he congratulated the opening of the bridge.

Yang Myong Chol, chief secretary of the North Phyongan Provincial Committee of the Workers' Party of Korea, and Xu Kunlin, secretary of the Liaoning Provincial Committee of the Communist Party of China, made congratulatory speeches.

The speakers expressed thanks to the officials and builders in the relevant fields of the two countries for their sincere sweat, efforts and wisdom for opening of the bridge.

The opening of the Amnok River Bridge held in October marking the establishment of diplomatic relations between the two countries and the entry of the Chinese People's Volunteers into the Korean front is a clear manifestation of the DPRK-China friendly and cooperative relations dynamically developing on a new high stage thanks to the deep personal relations between respected Comrade Kim Jong Un and respected Comrade Xi Jinping and their energetic leadership, they stressed.

They expressed the will to boost bilateral exchange and cooperation for the development of the DPRK-China relations, wishing the traditional DPRK-China friendship, the common wealth of the two countries, eternal.

The ribbon was cut by Yang Myong Chol, chief secretary of the North Phyongan Provincial Committee of the Workers' Party of Korea, Ri Ryong Nam, the DPRK ambassador to China, Ma Jong Su, consul general in Shenyang, Xu Kunlin, secretary of the Liaoning Committee of the Communist Party of China, Wang Yajun, the Chinese ambassador to the DPRK, and Zhao Cheng, head of the Publicity Department of the Liaoning Committee of CPC.

After the passing of vehicles of the two countries, the opening of the DPRK-China Amnok River Bridge was declared. -0-

http://kcna.kp/en/article/detail/e747490847596872314a81bb3c32ea4f

archivetoday isn't working right now. I'll put a archive link in the comments later

DPRK Missile Administration Test-fires Submarine-launched Strategic Cruise Missiles

Pyongyang, October 15 (KCNA) -- The Missile Administration of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea test-fired two kinds of submarine-launched strategic cruise missiles in the East Sea of Korea on October 14.

Full General Kim Jong Sik, member of the Central Military Commission of the Workers' Party of Korea and first vice department director of the WPK Central Committee, Full General Jang Chang Ha, general director of the Missile Administration of the DPRK, and underwater weapon system engineers of the Navy of the Korean People's Army oversaw the test-fire.

The test-fire aimed to examine the current mobilized posture of the underwater combat systems and contributed to getting the Navy skilled in performing its strategic missions and showcasing high reliability, trustworthiness and ability of the war deterrents of the DPRK.

It did not have any adverse impact on the security of neighboring countries. -0-

http://kcna.kp/en/article/detail/5c2b6ce785d67246350730126786edd6

https://archive.is/JpIIp

Synopsis: In Stalin’s 1938 Moscow, a disillusioned former literature professor, Alexei, is arrested and brought to the infamous Lubyanka Prison, charged with conspiring with his dissident priest. There, Alexei faces interrogation by his brilliant and brutal former student, Vladimir.

Release Date: November 11, 2026

Writer: Ben Shapiro

Talks between DPRK Minister of Disaster Management and Russian Minister of Emergency Situations

Pyongyang, October 13 (KCNA) -- Talks between Kim Chol Nam, minister of Disaster Management of the DPRK, and Alexandr Kurenkov, minister of Emergency Situations of the Russian Federation, were held at the Pyongyang Assembly Hall on October 12.

Present there from the DPRK side were Ri Su Gil, vice-minister of Disaster Management, and officials concerned and, from the Russian side members of the delegation of the Ministry of Emergency Situations and Andrei Podolyshev, Russian ambassador to the DPRK.

At the talks, the successes and experience gained by the two countries in the work to prevent disaster were exchanged and the issues of boosting bilateral exchange and cooperation were discussed.

A plan for 2027-2029 cooperation between the Ministry of Disaster Management of the DPRK and the Ministry of Civil Defence, Emergency Situations and Elimination of Aftermaths of Natural Calamities of the Russian Federation was signed there.

That evening the DPRK Ministry of Disaster Management hosted a reception in welcome of the delegation of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of the Russian Federation. -0-

http://kcna.kp/en/article/detail/5c72a80cb409a7e25cc5c589ccb79743

https://archive.is/XfaNw

DPRK Missile Administration Test-fires Tactical Ballistic Missile for Confirming Technical Upgrading of Important Core Element

Pyongyang, October 13 (KCNA) -- The Missile Administration of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea test-fired a tactical ballistic missile on October 12 to confirm the success in the research for the technical upgrading of an important core element.

The test-fire is part of the regular activities of the Missile Administration and its affiliated research institutes to put weapon systems on a highly-developed technological basis.

The Missile Administration announced that the technical upgrading of the core element is a big success heralding an important change in improving the performance and sophistication of all offensive weapon systems. -0-

http://kcna.kp/en/article/detail/718a78bda31c66610dc2da3ab372be2f

https://archive.is/vrzvl

Evening Gala of Youth and Students Held to Celebrate Founding Anniversary of WPK

Pyongyang, October 11 (KCNA) -- Youth and students in the DPRK had an evening gala at Kim Il Sung Square in the capital city of Pyongyang on October 10, the 81st anniversary of the founding of the Workers' Party of Korea.

The evening gala began amid the playing of the song "Mother's Birthday".

Youth and students danced to the tune of the song, extending the highest glory to respected fatherly Marshal Kim Jong Un who is developing the WPK into the powerful guiding force of the Juche revolution and the genuine motherly party which is responsible for the destiny of the people and taking care of them with his outstanding and seasoned leadership.

The atmosphere of the evening gala was revved up when the song "Dear Father", a monumental hymn, resounded in the sky of the capital city, reflecting the ardent reverence for the respected fatherly Marshal who is bringing happiness and joy of the great socialist family into full bloom with boundless love and devotion.

Gorgeous fireworks were displayed over the sky of the capital city.

The song "Do Prosper, My Motherland" and other songs resounded at the venue of the gala, reflecting the firm pledge of the passionate young people to always straight forward, following the Party, and faithfully uphold the cause of the Party in the van.

The evening gala of youth and students vividly showed the revolutionary enthusiasm and will of the new generation to fully demonstrate their noble honor as the young vanguard of the Workers' Party of Korea in the struggle for paving a wide avenue to national prosperity. -0-

http://kcna.kp/en/article/detail/9217ba8be22948df8af8413177da4440 (6 images, all uploaded to hb)

https://archive.is/zYqK0