I am obviously not saying people should be exploited, I am saying given the current conditions, one shouldn't force themselves to be miserable, ashamed because they don't physically have tons of money in the bank, or owe money, or whatever -- if you are """"just making ends meet"""" [a phrase that basically means, getting an A or B on the test of paying all your necessarily bills etc], it is as though you are expected, DEMANDED to vaguely feel like shit every day you're not Wolf of Wall Street.

I am obviously not saying either that it isn't a bummer i can't buy a telescope or book a cruise right now. If you watch commercials, everyone lives in a damn magazine, and that's probably not good for the psyche to see.

I am speaking broadly of the gray shroud that regularly having <$20 in the bank feels like it casts upon us: it is literally fake. to paraphrase karl pilkington, money is just something you have in case you don't die tomorrow. your bank account is a pane in the settings screen, not a constant HUD.

Many with good intentions denote it as being a miserable, thankless, deprived way of life - and sure yeah, in a sense. I am trying to not make the boring point about 'happiness is possible anytime' 'who cares about concert tickets' 'they make it seem miserable to sell doordash' etc but -- I noticed myself just instinctively literally physically hanging my head the other day - because I was thinking about how I wanted to buy a thing. Which is insane? Why should I feel like shit about that?

The story we tell ourselves about what our currency management MEANS about ourselves -- about EVERY FIBER of EVERY MOOD, at times -- is ARTIFICIAL. I was moping around a lil tonight because, seemingly, I wasn't living in a resort. That is an INSANE standard to have for yourself. (You can shift into the lens of letting yourself feel things like you are in a resort, however.)

I think your average geek used to be like, somewhat academic and erudite and into arcane knowledge and had some level of good faith of wanting to engage in discussion

Now it's all frauds and absolutely braindead elon stans and crypto dipshits and conservative freaks and people who enjoy and defend watching big tech destroy everything.

I diligently mute them, I'm a freak I cannot stand them. But from the nature of many people's complaints about ads, it seems like they listen to them and want to retain the words they've said?

suicide? appreciating the good moments of the day without thinking about the wider hell you're in, somehow?

(ignore the old TV)

an ESPN+ exclusive fight has literally nothing to do with the football

cozy 90s BBS forums, obscure blogs, etc.

both companies notably ruined the internet in the 2010s by consolidating discourse then taking various steps to destroy the user experience and the feel of the communities for profit.

so, broadly, the web went from cozy, small hobby forums in the 90s and 00s, then with the 10s as a transitional period, the 20s being practically complete corporate control of online discourse.

it's a bummer. but nothing lasts forever. where will we go next?

i genuinely feel like my entire life and mindset have done a... at least a 90 by now, by somehow, somehow getting this hail mary pass off and setting this up. i can't believe this is real life it's very bizarre, i'm just shaking with anxiety and energy

i just feel like she'll hate me upon first sight (this was thru an app) for some reason, she'll sense the autism, she'll know i'm off and the next hour will be awkward and she'll politely say goodbye.

i mean, alternatively, it could go well, she could be cool. she seems cool which i suppose is why i did this. what is happening i cannot believe these are things that are going on in my life i feel like i was just in a major major hitting slump for 10 years, strikeout after strikeout

and then also what if she ghosts me or stands me up like in the films. what then? add it to the list of failures and try to rebuild my self image?

aghufasdf

By that I mean, it must be an inherently comforting thing to think - we inherently know this and want there to be something after death, because it feels right, or more meaningful. There's a reason basically every civilization ever has some sort of afterlife ethos.

I realize I am basically horseshoeing my way into evangelicalism but still. Maybe life was better if we believed there was something beyond this. [edit - please note that yes, the world is shitty, things are awful and getting worse, and that is exactly my point -- we get THIS SHIT, and nothing else? god that's awful]