ThatFembyWho

I guess most of us deal with this at some point:

The thought occurred to me, I want to take self-defense classes. So I'm thinking, well those may be segregated by gender, so I'll just join the men's group to avoid making a scene, stirring up tensions. Even though my body, mannerisms, clothing, is indicative of a woman. I don't pass all the time, but I'm getting much closer.

But I was willing to be casually misgendered, to be othered, to accept less than what I'm fighting for every day (recognition, equality), so other people wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

How is that OK?

I feel like it's a common issue for all minorities. Stay out of the way, try to fit in, deny your identity, settle for less. You'll be safe, you'll survive. For what?

Is this the reality I'm risking everything for?

When I vacationed with my partner, I deliberately chose porta-potties and unisex bathrooms. Nobody told me too, I wasn't forced. But what if a "Karen" blew up at me and caused a scene in the women's bathroom? It could ruin my whole day, it could put me in danger...

When do I stop settling for less than my true identity, when do I stop giving in to internalized transphobia?

When do we stop deferring to the hypothetical concerns of other people, and assert our own rights and concerns?

It's funny because transphobes like to portray us all as radical activists who enjoy making scenes and partake in unhinged rants over pronouns or some shit.

Yet every trans person I have ever met is gentle, often frightened as hell, and goes out of their way to avoid triggering the phobes or causing a scene -- even at the expense of intense dysphoria, self-misgendering, accepting discrimination

Mostly? We want to be invisible, ignored, free to live in peace.

I don't want to be the trans woman among men, or the trans woman among women. I simply want to be a woman. Not othered, not segregated, not pitied, not patronized, not accommodated.

I can't control what other people think, but I can control my own thoughts and actions. Maybe we can't achieve equality until we think and act like equals, and refuse to accept anything less.

One of my biggest causes of dysphoria right now is facial hair. I hate shaving, and unfortunately HRT doesn't help reduce existing hair.

My partner helped me find a great trans-friendly, local electrologist.

I set up a consultation and agreed to an initial 15 minute session after being satisfied with the consultation. The technician is very experienced, board certified, and professional.

Unfortunately I wasn't expecting to have my first session, so I hadn't taken pain killers or used any topical numbing agents. So I got the full experience of the pain. Not recommended.

I have a high pain tolerance, but it really does hurt. It made my whole body twitch at times. Thankfully it is only a quick sharp sting, then you feel nothing. At least for a second or two.

The process is that a tiny sterile probe is inserted down the hair shaft to the base of the follicle, and applies an electrical shock to cauterize the blood vessel feeding it, then the hair is removed. Because the hairs are always in different growth stages that take about 4-6 weeks to complete, the treatment is repeated throughout the year to catch them all.

My technician is very thorough about aftercare. I was recommended a soothing lavender and tea tree oil balm, and aloe vera gel. It feels wonderful. Have to remember to not spend too much time in the sun, to wear sunscreen, and stay hydrated.

All in all it wasn't too bad and totally worth never having beard shadow or shaving again. Going back next week for a 30 minute session, then 45 minutes after that. She estimates it won't take too long, due to how naturally sparse my hair is.

Another box getting checked off my transition list <3

And you know what? They were right. My partner, trans elders, and levelheaded allies.

It's so easy to be impatient when you first realize. Nothing can happen fast enough, and you want all the things, all at once. You want to be today where others are who have lived for decades to get there.

2.5 years into my transition it's occurring to me just how much progress I've made, even over the last few months. My body is developing rapidly, but I'm also gaining confidence to show the world who I really am.

More people are using my name and pronouns every day, I'm wearing more comfortable clothes and I no longer obsess about whether anyone will notice. Male-failing is an almost daily occurrence. I'm developing my own authentic fem styles.

I have a looooong way to go yet, but I'm excited for what the future might bring. My goals are finally beginning to seem attainable.

Hopefully those of you who haven't reached that point yet, and those going through a difficult time, can take solace in my little story about passing through into better times. Keep your head up, work toward your goals, and most of all be patient. It might take years, it might take a decade, but eventually you'll realize it was worth it.