Slaanesh

Lil vent post as a treat.

I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago now (in my 30s). When I first got the diagnosis I binged a bunch of shit to try helping me, my therapy got ADHD focused and I got medicated. And it fucking sucks.

Going through the motions of "I made it this far how bad can it be" and "I was a 'good' kid" from friends and family and not even realizing yourself how shit it's been, and even avoiding places like this because "it's not the deliberating of a neurodiversity, these places aren't for me".

Trying to figure out your medication and getting shit on for taking stims and knowing you're going to have to keep upping the dosage until your doctor refuses. Every once in a while having to have that week of fucking sweaty shit fest when you do up, then not that long later not knowing if you took your pill or not.

I feel like a recently made a breakthrough in therapy, I had a great week, super productive but running out of shit to do and feeling guilty I'm taking it easy. And I feel like I'm only this far cause I take an extra dose before doing tasks (concerta in the morning, ritalin when I need/want) and I feel guilty and that I'm abusing a medication, and fear it won't fucking last. Fearing that I'm just obsessives over the fucking master list and daily list and I'm just going to get sick of it and default back (this isn't the first time). Knowing I need long-term goals and hobbies, but afraid of jumping into anything because I fear getting bored or distracted from them. It feels like the only way to be functioning is to continue to shove a square peg into a round hole, just with more force, until I fucking die.

And just like.... realizing how shit life has been, where I really am starting from, the relationships I've damaged or lost out on, and the fucking rage at myself and those around me for not noticing it sooner, when literally all the signs were there. I know this one is not fair, and it is irrational, I don't blame my mother or anything like that... I just... grieve at what could have been if I was diagnosed as a child. And even that sucks cause I am "ok". Like I can't even be mad.

It fucking sucks.