Lol nvidia CEO couldn't do my job for an hour.

I am absolutely confident that I could do his job for an hour.

The empty chair in his office does his job just as easily, too.

You can tell me all about the meetings and deals they have to worry about but ultimately, by the time a company gets that large, it could run itself without a c-suite for quite some time.

somewhere, a criminal: Oh man, you mean all I have to do is take my license plate off, dress like a tacticool office worker, put on a mask and I'm just allowed to kidnap people??? SCORE!!!

"Tourists hit cyclist and fled the scene"

... Probably Americans.

reads the very next line

Wow, I'm soooooo surprised. Shocked, even.

Can American tourists not be shit for FIVE MINUTES???

As an American who remembers 2016-2020.....

NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK

If it hasn't met another living creature in 14,000 years, can it really say it's the baddest thing around?

Sure it says it could kick my ass, but if it's so confident why doesn't it come up here and prove it? Bitch ass horror from the deep...

There's a reason every science team down there has someone carrying a gun.

They know what lies in the deep.

I would be going to prison or dead shortly after discovering that cops killed my dogs.

I care more about my dogs than I do about the vast majority of humans. And I care about humans way more than cops.

and what’s with the bruised legs?

Tldr: inattentiveness, bumping into tons of stuff, and only remembering it when you look at the bruise or someone reminds you.

An explanation that's meant to be humorous because it happens to me and my wife all the time:

"Oh my god, where did THIS bruise come from?"

earlier that day

bump "ow, how did I hit the coffee table..."

bump "fuck that hurt, I swear the counter was another 6 inches over"

smash "FUCK the freezer door closes too quickly!"

has to be reminded of these events to remember tham

When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

And cops are the biggest tools out there.

"The Ronald Reagan Abortion Clinic for Tolerance and Equality"

This definitely reads like one of my KSP exploits...

Damn, I would abandon that lever so hard....

Legit the moment a game pulls this shit on me I lose interest.