I was diagnosed bipolar more than 20!years ago and have been on a slow but painful decline since.
On and off meds (More than 50 at last count), in and out of treatment, inpatient and out.
I have a kid, the most amazing little thing in the world. They are 10 now, their incredibly abusive mom and I having split and a nasty divorce 5 years ago.
I have the most amazing partner, they are supportive, caring, just. I am so fucking lucky.
So lucky that when my job was on the verge of killing me, after a stay in the hospital because they thought I had a heart attack, they grabbed my hand and said let's jump. Encouraging me to quit a well paid career in IT.
Now I'm waiting on disability, I tried to work up the courage to apply for some entry level retail jobs just to give me something else to do and I panic. So bad sometimes I'm reaching for the Ativan.
I was abused by my parents, raped by a priest and a camp counselor, I was nearly killed in some gang stupidity and had to testify and make myself and family a target as a kid. My second wife was so abusive I ended up shutting down my entire personality. I slept on the floor, with my dog, because I wasn't allowed on the bed. During the divorce I was accused of sexually abusing my kid by my ex, and for that lie I spent more than 4 weeks not being able to even talk to them. At 5.
I am so tired. So tired of struggling, just to survive to hurt more. I have no plans to solve that because I can't leave earth while my child breathes, leaving them to be raised just by their mom would be disastrous. I can easily imagine them going to back to the cult compound they moved into when they left, and becoming another sexual assault victim of my kids grandfather, along side his other daughter he's been fucking since she was 12.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. I can't really talk to anyone around me about it. I feel needy and bothersome.
Fuck this sucks
I'll add that I got an a03s this week to use as a backup while my primary is on the healing bench.
It is garbage for use. I would have been less irritated setting those dollar bills on fire than I am trying to use it.
To give an example, this morning I went grocery shopping. Conncted Bluetooth headphones, opened only Spotify and my shopping list in notes. Every 45-90 seconds the music would hang, didn't matter if the phone was in my pocket, in my hand locked, it in my hand unlocked with Spotify in the foreground.
To open YouTube, with nothing else open, to type three words that bring the desired video to the top of the search, and to start playback takes minimum of 30 seconds. I don't bother with any video on here.
Typing this post has taken entirely too long because the fucking keyboard/autocorrect shit is too slow and causes all kinds of input lag.
I was going to end with saying it's great for basic communications, but honestly... It's shit. It's motivated me to fix my regular phone as quickly as I can. Something I'm not prone to do without motivation, if at all.
Edited to add that even network speeds are garbage. Wi-Fi is far worse than cellular data, and that's not great. Did some side by side testing with the other phones on the same network. The speed difference isn't small, I didn't write anything down so I won't give numbers, but it's bad. Real bad.