I would excommunicate all cabbage farmers and declare a papal bull declaring all poopy butts heretics.

Unsanitary bathrooms are straight from hell. It's genuinely disgusting. It's usually the remote bathrooms in rural roads that are really gross and dirty. I'm sorry you had to experience that.

Then how do people do that without getting their clothes all soaking wet?

In squatting holes they usually have a low pressure shower bidet or a container just pouring water on it and then they scrub it with their hands. It gets your hand dirty but it gets the job done with minimum splashing.

Every description online is like very vauge and overly modest in using a bidet and I just need something explict step by step.

I'm not sure how much it helps but wikihow has a guide.

Yep no poopy butt = no itching.

There isn't usually any residual shit left but you can still wipe if you want it'll still use way less TP than wiping.

I'll make sure that the area is clean then wait a little bit so that it drys out then leave. If I could somehow pin point target the water straight into my anus and nowhere else I might as well go get an enema.

You can watch an installation video it seems simple enough it's just a piece that goes over your toilet bowl and there's a tube connected through a tee connector to your water supply. Otherwise if you can't get it im sorry that you can't experience the pure bliss of having clean ass.

A bidet, until very recently, had only been presented as a japanese novelty toilet gadget

I never understood the luxury Japanese toilet trope in movies and TV. Are the workers in America so exploited as to not be able to afford a piece of plastic that goes over their shitter? Ludicrous.

Me when i see the button to erase capitalism (alongside cabbages) from the earth

Yeah currently there are a lot of reactionary elements resisting the de-cabbagification of the world. But when worldwide communism is achieved, I'll be there.

As of 2020 there were 71 million tonnes of cabbage produced, so i still have a long way to go.

can i brush it? can you sleep on that side of your face? did you also experience the pain pulsing? even at its worst it's mildly annoying but it doesn't let me sleep.

hope your neck got better.