Rust:

Cannot move princess out of castle which is behind a shared reference

no python? how are normie programmers like me supposed to relate to this?

Python:

from Rescues import Princess
Princess.rescue()

Swift: Apple releases a new version of the castle and deprecates the princess before you finish your implementation

You have Rust. (the knight in this panel looks very cool, wears sunglasses, and probably has a ponytail)

You've been told how easy it is to rescue the princess. Absolutely nothing will get in your way, they say; nobody can possibly get access to your plan, and you can even rescue multiple princesses simultaneously! (in this panel, the knight is imagining rescuing three princesses from three different castles at the same time)

You start working on your plan. It's elegant and beautiful. You write articles on Medium to tell other knights how to rescue their princess. You tell everyone who will listen about your plan. You become a Rust zealot. You never rescue the princess. (In this panel, the knight is nowhere to be seen, and the princess looks bored in her tower. The knight is across the field, at a festival with the banner "RUSTCONF" flying overhead)

Always good to see Jon Skeet get some love. I'd love to know in terms of quantity just how many people he's helped over the last decade or so.

Omg Lisp. I'm dying. Our object oriented programming class in college involved programming in Scheme. This was... a while ago.

Saving this forever.

You have Rust.

Forget rescuing the princess, that's unsafe. Lock her down even more!

You use Assembly.

You describe each and every leg movement and each and every step to the castle and over the castle bridge and inside the castle.

You somehow end up in the castle kitchen.

PHP 8 makes it finally possible to rescue the princess, but you accidentally princess the rescue instead.

You have rust.

You get a horse and arrive at the castle within seconds but the horse is too old and doesn't work with the castle.

You remove the horse, destructure the castle and rescue the princess within seconds, but now you have no horse.

While you're finding a compatible horse and thinking whether you should write your own horse, Bowser recaptures the princess and moves her to another castle.

Rust: You declare the castle type as unsafe and then search for a crate with a rescue_princess function. You discover the princess you rescued is a femboy wolfkin named Pawws. You now have pubic lice and an inexplicable smug sense of superiority.

The Patsy from Monty Python in the PHP section got me

So let me summarise this:

Only C and Lisp actually completed the initial task of getting the princess free, and Author clearly favors C over the drooling and homeless lisp hacker. Also, turns out, C greatest weakness helped to save not only the princess but everything she ever possessed! How convenient!

Rust:

You crushed the princess under the weight of all the crates you imported

C# is about right. LINQ was meant to make things easier, or at least the code easier to read. Instead, you gain this addiction to seeing how much functional logic you can fit into one line of code (or a single multi-line query) while still remaining readable.

Ruby: there is a built in method called free_the_princess()

Why's this look so poo on my phone?

You have rust, you decide to rewrite the C plan but the only library that supports it uses unsafe code so you go back and rewrite it. Wait what were you working on?