I'm 30 now. I got diagnosed at 28. Burned-out at 22 or so.

Grew up in a fairly authoritarian house where large areas of personal expression were disallowed / unacceptable and others were or felt restricted through more or less RSD conflicting with emotionally immature family.

I learned to play an acceptable act and abandoned many parts of myself without even really being aware that I was. Not only that, but as my ADHD symptoms manifested more as I grew up, it also turned me from other "acceptable" things I loved. I realize this is different than your experience of never coming to know yourself.

But the point I want to make is that, in my opinion, ADHD and masking erase much of what we were, and stunt where we are in many ways. And I think there's 3 main areas to focus toward in undoing that damage.

Even though I'm 30 I'm more or less in the position of an early 20's person in many ways. So I try to allow myself the things a 20-something would be doing.

Try new activities, step outside your comfort zone, form new friends groups. You won't simply discover who you are if you do not subject yourself to a range of experiences and continue those you find bring you some inner understanding, peace, or positive emotion.

For me, a man largely raised by women but in a family where men exhibiting femininity was judged, a large part has been accepting and expressing my femininity. And the other large part has been accepting my ADHD.

I paint my nails loud obnoxious shiny colors now. Could barely have imagined doing black a few years ago. Literally had to be coaxed into it. Suddenly I love dressing up and doing my nails and finding glasses and jewelry that look good on me and I know what colors and fits of clothes look good on me, etc.

Second, I accept and listen to my ADHD with compassion rather than try to exert willpower to fight it constantly. I do what I/it actually need now and accept that though it makes me struggle in other ways it's worth it.

I work again, but only 25 hours a week and I still call out when I need to, which is more than most would. I don't hold my incapacities against myself anymore but instead do my best to accomodate them. I focus on what is making doing things hard and try to eliminate as many obstacles as possible. Cut down on the number of things I need to commute to and from work every day is a big one for me as an example.

And a third aspect encapsulating all of this imo is pursuing medical treatment. I did a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy work with professionals and alone during my several years of burnt-out, still before I had any idea I had ADHD, working toward a better mental landscape.

Learning to trust myself, learning to treat myself with kindness and compassion, learning how to nurture myself. Focusing on learning mindfulness and improving my executive function. It's hard to find yourself if you're wading through a lot of negative emotion and past experience.

I also found the meds to be incredibly effective once I did get a suspicion and seek/get diagnosis. Through therapy, I'd been able to learn to keep up on house tasks and errands and personal upkeep and whatever like a teen. I was barely keeping up, but I was doing it. When I got on the meds, I suddenly could do all that with way more consistency and less effort, but could also feel like I was able to work part-time while doing so.

Wishing you better times and much personal growth in understanding and contentedness. 💜

TL;DR:

Pursue cognitive behavioral therapy, and ADHD meds. Try new things and meet new people. Push your comfort zone. Treat and listen to yourself/your needs with nurturing and compassionate understanding and accommodation.

Well, I just got diagnosed with ADHD and instantly got Concerta. So I guess I'm one of you after all?

Oh and I burned out at around 28 I guess. Stopped keeping up with my riggid, cruel job.

So my real self is just less efficient, pisses people off constantly, and is utterly alien to everything I built to do.

Same boat. I was increasingly exhausted from pushing myself and masking who I was for decades. I decided one day to just be myself, I couldn't take it anymore.

Lost almost everything: Job, life-long partner, house, etc. Those things simply weren't compatible with the new me. They tried to cram me back into the box of conformity, but I don't fit anymore. I think at some level I knew that, which is why it took me so long; I was clinging desperately to the life I had. Had to throw it all away and jump into the abyss.

Hard to call it a good decision, but I'm still here, and I'll do it better this time.

Edit: realised I forgot to answer your main question. After a long time of having nothing, I started discovering things about myself. Oh, I like this. I hate that. X feels more like me than Y. Illegal thought crimes for my entire life, that I'm allowed to think about now. After a while you figure out who you really are, not who you had to be.

i have been struggling with this too, i am still so frightened all of the time and i know it is part of what prevents me from forming connections with others.

art is helping me a lot, i think, though i don't fully understand how yet. maybe it is letting me figure out little pieces of things that are in me and express them, or maybe it's the experimentation and play that i felt like i wasn't allowed to do earlier in life, or some combination of things. perhaps there is something like that for you.

i really hope you have access to some good support systems. and please do be kind to yourself. our poor brains are so tired. i wish i could offer some better advice but i am stumbling in the darkness myself.

That's less about ADHD than trauma, though the first often begets the other. I'm on the same boat. A trauma focused therapist has helped me.

Forgiving myself, allowing myself to suck at something, to not be perfect, were my starting points. I haven't got to know myself yet, but some of me seems to be shining through the cracks I'm growing on my masks.

The feeling of a wasted life is a recurring one. A whole lot of could have beens. I'm suppose to mourn it and let go instead of lamenting it. I'm not there yet.

I do recommend you find a good therapist. Professional help is a must. Good luck.

Hi! I’m in my forties too, with unmedicated ADHD.

I’m not sure who I am if I relax. I’ve never done it. I’m just like this all the time—reserved and restrained all the time.

I wrote paragraphs of my experience and realized the best advice I can give after going through it myself is, stop being afraid of being yourself and most importantly speak to a medical professional for help on ADHD burnout.

As far as the real you, for me I found he wasn’t mad, he was sad. And was tired of being treated like a monster for opening my eyes to the burnout I felt starting at 20. He simply was trying to protect me and I used him like an old dirty mattress at a porn shoot. Forgive yourself and try making recompense and start working together for balance, meaning stand up for yourself more.

There's nothing under the mask. Your face is for communication with others

You have to take off the mask, reshape it to communicate what you want to show the world, and accept it as your real face

I've unfortunately learned that continued masking is the price we have to pay for our existence in this society. The few times I let up I paid dearly (broke down at work due to years of accumulating stress - fired. Broke down at home because of the former - almost lost my relationship. Etc.).

I'm no longer willing to jeopardize my already bleak future with it.

@ScoffingLizard I’ve been on Elvanse and Amfexa for 18 months now.

I was diagnosed at 51. ADHD broke me. Utterly.

But I am starting to find myself again. The scars will always be there, but there is a person I can salvage from the wreck.

It’s possible.

Introspective thought. When it's the case of doing something, think of the reasons why you're doing or not doing them. And when it's because of your own choice, think of why you make that choice.