It's my emotional dysregulation that makes me disabled. I got disability before, thanks to the BEST team in Portland (Benefits, Entitlement something something nonprofit to help people exactly like me), but I lost it with the shit that happened at Vince's. The paperwork to renew came at the exact same time he got a girlfriend and they kicked me out, in a TERRIBLE state of mind that certainly led to me both incriminating myself and meeting my life partner who saved my life, and that's why this is so tragic.

Something is WRONG with him. He's not the same person, exactly. His mother says this decline has been going on for a while. She says "Hiawatha" did it. I'm sure the attention to detail of a mother that would retain that it is "ayauausca" would definitely help him out the most, as would it be from my father. Hence, why I am so out of my gourd right now. On top of Byoomth doing all he does to do nothing to do something, I think, my father is fully absent and refuses to even acknowledge anything he's done.

He's in paradise, with everything falling apart in his life. Weird how Karma does that. I learned from him not to give ti homeless people because they are all worthless people, as he implied with different words. "85er" is his word, as in, the bottom 85% of the population, intellectually, could be wiped out and nothing would change for the rest of us. I was reading The Hitchhiker's Guide series at that same time he was coming up with this idea when I was 14/15, hence I sent him those books for his birthday.

Karma is real. Nothing is random. Everything is dependent on entanglements. My father sure has a lot he is entangled with. Thank God he refuses to do any drugs besides caffeine n nicotine, because when he is forced to reconcile all that is defiled in him, that is when he will be chained in a lake of fire while we are all in the restaurant at the end of the universe.

I still have a beer here n there. I smoke weed. DXM is genuinely pretty rare, and would be rarer if I wasn't being financially abused as I am. I slip up on Benadryl here n there. That's the real addiction. That's the escapism. And I've healed so much of that doing that shit that is in steps, but I understand the alchemy, so I understand those anonymous cults are bullshit basing their shit on a deeper philosophy they aren't even aware of, being unable to define God yet having it on their boards of steps, but I do this shit right? When I remember how I fucked up, I try to make amends with those I wronged, and when I cannot, I do stuff like pick up trash. I try to correct my Karma, and this liberates me from what I am entangled with, so I suffer less in the long reconciliation, which is described thoroughly at an eighth grade reading level in the Bible.