Life is different for me. I would like to work, but the way to GET and KEEP a job is impossible for someone like me, as I am. Resume good enough to get a job at the grocery store, but I can't work there because they sell meat and that would make this man who is simultaneously both more and less mentally competent go on his death excursion. Clearly, I should be doing something woth writing, and I'm trying, but I must not be good enough.
And this is something I believe that man I love THINKS he's doing, going full nutso-freako as far as being exactly as my negligent, narcissistic father was while providing for our basic needs. I sure tf HOPE that's what he's doing in some misguided Buddhist interpretation to give me the therapy, because the alternative is absolutely fucking devastating; that he is just a horrible, soft-spoken person completely in control of himself and using me for supply.
Feels very much like in the cult, but they were doing stuff for my benefit too. I think. I can't drive. I do not have the capacity to drive a car. It is beyond me. I get panic attacks as it is too fast and too high stakes for me to make the decision of "change lanes at 25mpg." Scaffold that over to all parts of my life. I can't do shit! So I write! I write as I was trained! And I know, in the right setting, I can nab 100k-250k views on a single profile per day. That's what I'm capable of! But I certainly can't do that on Lemmy, because I am the biggest of fucking fishes as far as "social media writer n troll" goes, and my ass ain't even doing something to personally profit; I have an educational art project, and THAT is too distasteful for those mods making sure their three users stick around.
Don't wanna be distasteful for the mindless slaves just doomscrolling! They might have an original thought and realize they ain't doing anything close to their full potential. I seen this shit "raw dogging reality," where these kids just don't do anything for an hour. Oh, you mean MEDITATE?! You think these kids would benefit from learning what meditation actually is? They certainly aren't looking it up themselves! So I gotta BRING IT to them! Hence, my mission with the F-I mean CIA. That's who I've been enslaved by.
It's my emotional dysregulation that makes me disabled. I got disability before, thanks to the BEST team in Portland (Benefits, Entitlement something something nonprofit to help people exactly like me), but I lost it with the shit that happened at Vince's. The paperwork to renew came at the exact same time he got a girlfriend and they kicked me out, in a TERRIBLE state of mind that certainly led to me both incriminating myself and meeting my life partner who saved my life, and that's why this is so tragic.
Something is WRONG with him. He's not the same person, exactly. His mother says this decline has been going on for a while. She says "Hiawatha" did it. I'm sure the attention to detail of a mother that would retain that it is "ayauausca" would definitely help him out the most, as would it be from my father. Hence, why I am so out of my gourd right now. On top of Byoomth doing all he does to do nothing to do something, I think, my father is fully absent and refuses to even acknowledge anything he's done.
He's in paradise, with everything falling apart in his life. Weird how Karma does that. I learned from him not to give ti homeless people because they are all worthless people, as he implied with different words. "85er" is his word, as in, the bottom 85% of the population, intellectually, could be wiped out and nothing would change for the rest of us. I was reading The Hitchhiker's Guide series at that same time he was coming up with this idea when I was 14/15, hence I sent him those books for his birthday.
Karma is real. Nothing is random. Everything is dependent on entanglements. My father sure has a lot he is entangled with. Thank God he refuses to do any drugs besides caffeine n nicotine, because when he is forced to reconcile all that is defiled in him, that is when he will be chained in a lake of fire while we are all in the restaurant at the end of the universe.
I still have a beer here n there. I smoke weed. DXM is genuinely pretty rare, and would be rarer if I wasn't being financially abused as I am. I slip up on Benadryl here n there. That's the real addiction. That's the escapism. And I've healed so much of that doing that shit that is in steps, but I understand the alchemy, so I understand those anonymous cults are bullshit basing their shit on a deeper philosophy they aren't even aware of, being unable to define God yet having it on their boards of steps, but I do this shit right? When I remember how I fucked up, I try to make amends with those I wronged, and when I cannot, I do stuff like pick up trash. I try to correct my Karma, and this liberates me from what I am entangled with, so I suffer less in the long reconciliation, which is described thoroughly at an eighth grade reading level in the Bible.