First thing monday morning.

Looks at river, "If I was in that river Id be so wet right now."

Boss starts looking worried.

"I bet if that river splashed me in the face we'd need two towels to clean it all up!"

Then I dont need to comment on it again until next monday.

Wait, what? Unless that's an allegory for AI or something, that actually sounds pretty nice.

That's... actually kinda cute? I mean, it has a Michael Scott vibe to it? Like he's trying really hard to get them to appreciate the river? I believe I might be overusing the questionmark? Oh my god I can't stop? Send help?

A friend told me that as part of a “team bonding exercise” they were asked to sing one of their favorite songs with the lyrics re-worded about their job or company and I am so thankful that this bullshit hasn’t spread to my country yet.

Plot twist. Boss is actually the river and just wants to hear nice things about it.

I see people badmouthing this but it sounds like a case of 1. It's easy to forget and stop seeing the beauty that you see every day and 2. A lighthearted corporate goal stated to try to get people to come together and just take a moment to appreciate some of nature's beauty

Ngl I would have a ball with this.

"Hey boss you excited for the beginning of trout spawning season?"

"Imagine diving down to the bottom, expelling all the air from your lungs, and just waiting for the river's sweet embrace to take you. I hear it's a surprisingly peaceful way to go. I yearn for that with all my being. Monday mornings, eh? Do these windows open?"

Later during performance review:

"I noticed you are having issues staying on task; you need to minimize the distractions around you to make sure this doesn't become problematic for work"

In the mines they make everyone stand in a circle every morning and take turns each day giving stretches for us all to do

I would rather say look at all them chickens

This is being hyperbolic, but at least the lordes and tyrants of the past used to just steal your food or murder you.

These modern replacements like playing with their food.

Damn, I bet that river has more liquid assets than I do.

How about your boss brings in a puppy and everybody who likes puppies has to play with it twice a day?

Anything to keep you from talking about how management treats you or how much you're all getting paid for the same work.

You have to be kind of a fucked up person if you can't appreciate the river.

Rotting in the mines is probably where you belong if you can't appreciate the river.

I would like to know where this river is so I can sail a barge made out of empty plastic containers down it while wearing a Gandalf costume and let everyone hit their 2 things quota in 15 minutes.

"Hey, don't you love the nature surrounding us, which you are prohibited from interacting with during the length of your contractual obligations with us?"

Just spam "from the river to the sea" all day every day.

The river brings life. The river brings prosperity.

#firstworldproblems

I would love to work there