this post was submitted on 22 Oct 2023
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tl;dr: have a friend who has historically always been mad when his friends got a gf/wife. He acts like he's 15 years old and saying "bros before hoes" still. He calls me and other friends a yuppie or breeder, and he thinks crosswalks are authoritarian so he has to always be a "rebel" and make it seem like he has the most unique viewpoint in the world. He doesn't change anything about himself, and he's stubbornly proud of having "no filter." This has caused every wife/gf of his friends to not like him. He will never be invited to any kind of social event because he will say stupid shit. Like, nobody has to be a rabid commie all the fucking time. Him and my gf got into a huge fight because he always talks like an asshole, and i live with my gf, so he doesnt come to my house at all because he'll say some shit. He still brings up this fight when im around him, and it's like get the fuck over it. I basically don't share anything about my life that involves my partner now, because he'll say something fucking stupid about her. He also begins a lot of sentences with "well" or "actually" which is never helpful. He literally can't admin when he is wrong, even about the simplest shit.

This really all seemed to get worse once I started my current long term relationship, and then it got way worse when my gf got sick of his shitty attitude and how he treats everyone like an asshole. He literally just can't be chill at all. No leftist(or similar) should be ranting constantly about every single injustice during every single social situation. That is exhausting to be around, and there is a time and place for it, but there has to be an ability to switch that shit off.

Finding and keeping relationships requires changing yourself just a bit, and making compromises, and it's now become apparent he isn't capable of that.

related question: have you ever dumped a long time friend? This is all a somewhat recent change, like the past 3-4 years, and it really seems to be because im in a relationship like most of our friend group, so now he's totally alone. Ive heard him say he's in therapy but i have to wonder if that's true, because it clearly isn't working. I'm annoyed by him but I pity him too because he can't fucking change for anybody at all.

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Anyway any tips to dump a friend??

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago (1 children)

If you've explained yourself enough to them just grey rock it or just cut them immediately block and everything. Cold turkey is easier than you think

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (3 children)

True. I'm just like naturally a people pleaser and very non confrontational so I am just kinda building up courage a bit

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (2 children)

i wish, the easiest way is to just mildly ghost them or not make yourself as available. like if they tell me they have tickets to a baseball game(and i like baseball) just say no, even if i have free time. truly the worst part about this is i avoid talking about anything involving my gf, which is pretty much impossible to do. I straight up don't even tell him about shit i'm doing with her like vacations. He just sorta finds out eventually that I went to Denver but didn't say shit about it. He's only good at making surface relationships and nothing deeper.

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Sounds like the dude might be on the autistic spectrum with some ADHD thrown in. These people can be toxic in this state and it's hard to get them to move on without they themselves wanting to.

Have you ever hung out with him and "the guys" in a while? Maybe he misses the "good old days" and hasn't realized people have changed. Doing another might push him to that conclusion himself, and it would be a good way to get him pointed in a more constructive direction. If the dude is anti authoritarian and hates modern culture, getting him to get a civil engineering degree might be the catalyst to break him out of the cycle.

If you do this, I would have at least one of y'all be prepared not to "refute" his claims but nudge him to a new discovery; if he brings up sidewalks being authoritarian say something like "oh, interesting. Have you read any of Jane Jacobs' work? I think you'd like it."

However, it shouldn't be like an intervention. Try to let him have fun—have drinks, games, a bouncy castle, I dunno—and go at his pace. People like him just need a push in the right direction before they hurt people.

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[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

Wow more than one pandemic friend casualty in here. Had a friend who had been getting more and more libertarian and self-destructive since dropping out of college, and when the pandemic hit he started getting extremely joe rogan about everything with a mixture of that insufferable "magic is real you know but big academia doesn't want us to know" after abusing psychs. Eventually the friendship died when I realized I couldn't have a single conversation with him that wasn't like arguing with a 4chan poster.

He also eventually revealed that he was interested in my tragically straight self during an lsd comedown which meant that when I started to cut contact a few months later I felt especially guilty and horrible.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

Yes. Literally don't miss him. Who cares, there's lots of people just make new friends.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

Don't owe anyone friendship but just to play the other side, I've kept a few friends after most of our mutual friends dumped them, I know a few difficult people mostly who are that way because of mental illness; autism, chronic depression, alcoholism and drug addiction, etc. I also have some old friends who annoy the shit out of me often just because of their personalities. I just think it's nice that tough people or people having a tough time in society should also experience friendship, and it makes their antisociality better vs isolation making it worse. There's always a line but in general I think it's virtuous to be patient with our difficult friends because nobody is perfect and heaven knows we can be difficult too sometimes. The key is having good boundaries though, you can be friends with someone and not talk to them all the time or put up with their bullshit. Even take months breaks if you need to

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

I've friend-dumped my entire high school friend group once I left for college. I didn't think they liked me enough to keep ties, so I didn't bother trying to maintain friendships. I felt like these were friendships of convenience. Of course this was likely due to low self-esteem but maybe there was truth in what I thought. They were all friends since elementary, and I only knew them our freshman year. I've taken more care to maintain friendships with my college friends though. But lemme tell ya, deep down I do feel a little sad when I see them all having fun on social media.

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