Time for another Stimpunks Post, ya'll. While this is mostly coming from research and language around Autism and ADHD, I hope it is relatable enough for a majority of ND peeps. This is just a summary post, the direct link has a lot of additional context, videos, and reading material for those who are interested.
Locution means a word or expression characteristic of a region, group, or cultural level
Note: This piece originally used the phrase “love languages”. Despite the popularity of the term, we have opted for “love locutions” to distance from the emotionally abusive and heteronormative history of the book “The Five Love Languages”.
Emotional bids are the pixels of relationship communications and are important to relationship accommodations. This list is about recognizing and meeting some common neurodivergent emotional bids in relationships, thus the phrase “love locutions”.
To elaborate, an emotional bid is when we do something to signal that we want attention and connection. Bids can be small or big, verbal or nonverbal. They’re requests to connect. Bids are often purposefully subtle because people are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It’s scary to say, “Hey! I want to connect! Pay attention to me!” so instead, we ask a question or tell a story or offer our hand for connection. We hope we’ll receive connection in return, but if not, it’s less scary than pleading, “Connect with me, please”.
The Love Locutions consist of: Infodumping, Parallel Play/Body Doubling, Support Swapping/Sharing Spoons, Deep Pressure, and Penguin Pebbling
Let's break down the list of locutions:
Infodumping
Talking about an interest or passion of yours and thus sharing information, usually in detail and at length. Having a special interest is like having a crush or being newly in love. It is consuming and delightful. It is considered a sign of caring and friendship to encourage someone to talk to you about their special interests, or SpIns, whether or not you actually share their interest. The sharing of knowledge and information is always welcome.
Parallel Play, Body Doubling
Parallel play is when people do separate activities with each other, not trying to influence each others behavior. Some call this being alone together, as in when you’re both reading your own books in the same room, or one person is doing a puzzle while another plays a video game, etc. Just existing together counts too. Enjoying parallel play and shared activities that don’t require continual conversation. Discussing what’s real, our struggles, fears, desires, obsessions. There’s no such thing as oversharing. Swapping SAME stories: sharing a time when we felt similarly in our own life, not as a competition, but to reflect how well we are listening to each other. There’s no expectations for anyone to do anything. It’s just nice to be there, no matter what happens.
In the world of ADHD, a body double is someone who sits with a person with ADHD as they tackle tasks that might be difficult to complete alone. The body double serves as a physical anchor for the distracted individual who feels more focused by the presence of another person in their space, entering into their attention tunnel, rather than tugging them out of it.
Support Swapping, Sharing Spoons
Accommodating and supporting each other within a community. Asking, offering, and receiving help among people who “get it”. When ND people accommodate or support each other, like if I remind a friend to hydrate and they ask me if I’ve taken my meds, or a friend helps me write an email and later I help them with homework, etc. It gives an opportunity to help and care for others on our own terms and within our own capacities.
Deep Pressure
AKA Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body. Regulating with deep pressure input such as through swaddles, weighted blankets, and hugs. Provides proprioceptive input and can soothe body stress responses, always with consent, of course. (Proprioception is the sense of self-movement, force, and body position. Proprioception is mediated by proprioceptors, a type of sensory receptor, located within muscles, tendons, and joints). Swaddles are super helpful; they’re like a hug without physical contact.
Penguin Pebbling
“I found this cool rock, button, leaf, etc. and thought you would like it”. Penguins pass pebbles to other penguins to show they care. Penguin Pebbling is a little exchange between people to show that they care and want to build a meaningful connection. Pebbles are a way of sharing special interests, both inviting people into yours and encouraging other’s. SpIns (special interests) are a trove for unconventional gift giving. It’s a way of saying, “I thought about you today. I remembered this thing about you. Here’s something I want to share with you specifically."
