Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine months. “Today marks a triumph in our fight for the right of men to cum on women’s backs and keep it there,” said Gov. Kay Ivey, explaining that the law, which also bans the sale of tissue paper that could be used to wipe ejaculate off the lower spine, was essential to protect the sanctity of seminal loads.