this post was submitted on 29 Apr 2025
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Lemmy Be Wholesome
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Autistic partners checking in.
This is a man who refuses to make the same mistake twice.
Never make the same mistake twice.
Make a new mistake to learn from.
Yeah I generally don’t like it when people make Boomer-esque gender observations but this is definitely the result of a fight once and him trying to correct behavior to be more supportive/meet her where she needs him
There exist relationships where needs are not communicated through fights but through speech. I'm implying she might have just told him about her emotional needs instead of blowin up on him when they weren't met.
You're totally right. That was a silly assumption on my part. I more meant tense moment or rather than a proper fight but it says something that i said fight!
Wife bad
Father I cannot swipe the book
Taxes
(Am I doing this right?)
I'm going to make my own Boomer-esque gender observation here: people generally don't like having the fact that they conform to a stereotype about their sex pointed out. This woman would probably not be laughing if she thought she fit the stereotype, and especially not if she had ever made herself vulnerable by explicitly admitting that.
Oh man. Few things piss my wife off more than suggesting her irrational behavior could be due to PMS. She gets it really bad, and she's allowed to say that, but I'm not.
I'm not saying this is unique to their actual gender/gender roles. I've seen it play out across the LGBT/gender spectrum with folks on all sides of it. The post is a bit sloppy but the core thing - about figuring out if someone needs validation vs. advice vs. just someone to vent to a bit - is very real and what's kind of funny is you can tell this guy had to have that conversation. Good on him for following through
This behavior isn't exclusive to one sex, but I think it is stereotypically feminine. I (a heterosexual man) usually hear about it when heterosexual men give each other advice, and it's presented as an irrational thing many women do which the men should learn to accommodate.
Sometimes the problem solving men jump to is annoying as shit. Like, I'm a man, and I want to complain about my cluster headaches. No I don't need you to be the 20th person to tell me I just need to stay hydrated. No I would not like to hear your methods for dealing with migraines that are probably not real migraines. What I get are not migraines. They're called suicide headaches for a reason.
Yes I agree with that. Are we talking about society or we talking about how I am talking about this subject? I feel like we keep vacillating between the two here
The fact that the stereotype exists (and both the man and the woman presumably know that it does) makes me perceive the comment in the OP as mocking or patronizing. The man's intent could be to offend or perhaps to imply "I'm glad you don't actually expect treatment like this," but even that would offend many women. I don't understand why you or the woman in the OP think it was said in good faith, because it's something I would say myself only if I wanted to hurt the feelings of the woman I was speaking to so much that I was willing to sound sexist.
Fair concern for sure
What is the stereotype? Men should be allowed to have a feelings stage about stuff that goes wrong.
The stereotype isn't that only women ever want sympathy, but rather that women generally want sympathy (rather than help) a lot more than men do, especially in situations where help appears to be fairly straightforward.
Are we sure she is laughing about this and not trying to “partner shame” him?
This is a man who still views human relationships as procedural and logical and consistent.
I would love to be able to do this. I always jump right to problemsolving mode. At best I realize my mistake halfway throgh.
Keep working on it, it takes so much effort on my part to be like "man that really sucks" or "wow that sounds really frustrating" for the most part my SO knows the solution and just wants to be heard.
I've overheard her talking to her mom on the phone how supportive I am and how good of a listener I am. This is the first relationship I've managed to do these things and we're getting married in 4 weeks :)
My wife has heard a similar one that she uses - "Do you want me to listen, get mad for you, or help you". I think sometimes "do you want real talk" can be part of it once they've processed a little bit because the truth can be harder to hear. .
Yeah candor/feedback are hard in relationships and getting "consent" before doing that can help a lot. It takes a lot of trust to get to that level.
It can also be nice to ask “what have you already thought of” once you reach the solutions stage. Offers another chance for connection and making them feel like you are not assuming they haven’t thought of anything yet.
Congrats!
Congratulations!
Something tells me she can solve the shwarma conundrum on her own.
It takes practice, but it can be a game changer in a relationship.
My wife explained this beautifully to me with this video: It's Not About The Nail (Youtube, 1:41)
I'm more confused now than I was before watching this.
Thanks for the review, I won't watch it now.
I would definitely be like this
Like the boyfriend or like the shawarma that fell apart? Cause I'm more like the latter.
The boyfriend being supportive while also humorous
I wanted to make a joke about being an arm to hold onto, but that's just because my spelling doesn't have a leg to stand on
I can ask the question, sure, but what if the answer is wrong?
It's good to check in about what kind of support folks want!
This one is hard. Only after having had every possible reasonable solution rejected, reaching the domain of frustration, do you realise that that perhaps they don't even want help. No words. Just nods.
The feelings stage can be simplified into two scenarios.
- Does the person just need to vent?
- Does the person need to feel supported/ understood?
When I’m unsure I ask my partner if they need to vent, feel supported, and/or solve the problem.