cw sucidal thoughts
spoiler
I just feel like in general no one cares about me, and I think it's time I admit that everyone in my life exept maybe my mom is better off without me, and that me being dead would be seen as a blessing one day. I know it's my fault me and my friends drifted apart, everyone thinks im weird once again but no one says anything cause I am suicidal, the truth is I should of kept my depression to myself, and tried to remain as a far away emotionally as possible instead I told them about my truama and how I felt. That was such a huge mistake, no I feel like everyone avoids me, and tbh I am huge werido who does not deserve to exist, I am "trans" which means taking hrt and looking like a man, dispite being on hrt for 3 years my genetics are cursed and I look like a cursed crossbred ass creature instead of a person, I am an abosute disgrace to the trans community. but anyway I told my friends that I was sucidal and they did the usual worry, but I realize now that they genunely think I am weired, also I am austisic and extwermely socially awkward. I honestly feel like I am perhaps worse than chris chan maybe. I genunely am aware though and actively hate myself for what I have become. today it really hit me when no one was interested in letting me use their phone charger cause of course my peice of shit self left it at work and will likely have to buy a new one now. I have curly hair but my dumb ass did not maintain it and now it's matted beyond anything I can do myself, I am exteremly broke due to some car related shit and cannot afford to get ap rofessintal invovled, if my mom saw it she would panic cause she would know I was depressed but she handles my depression by being depressed about it, so I don't think she will help me. In terms of methods, ive considered a couple, one was to try to shoot myself in the head with a 9mm, however I have seen videos of survivors of shooting themselves and I feel like I would be misrible, I have also considered maybe crashing my car at high speeds into a solid object, I drive a pruis so it would take a minute to reach 100mph if it can even get there and I am not even sure if that would produce enough force to kill me. I am genunelly intrested cause I don't really see a way out anymore. everyone secretly hates me, and I genunelly have nothing else to turn too, no one who cares honestly.
Can I be real a minute?
You probably are weird.
But plenty of people are. I'm a different kind of weird than you, but I'm pretty fucking weird by most standards.
Fuck, when you're weird, it's all about finding other weirdos and enjoying it. You may or may not be the same kind of weird as the friends you drifted from, so you might need new friends.
But the most important thing of all here. It doesn't matter if you look like sasquatch. Doesn't matter if you "pass" or not. My sasquatch looking ass respects your sasquatch looking ass.
I've never known a single trans person that didn't have a period where they felt alien, or ugly, or like a cursed crossbred ass creature. The important part is that you're doing what you need to do to be yourself fully.
I know you can't see it, but every trans person on this planet, no matter if or when or how they choose to transition, makes the world a little better than it would be without them. The rest of us need trans people. And we even need the cursed crossbred ass creatures. IDGAF if you're as ugly as the south end of a north bound bulldog, we need you. I ain't gonna blow smoke up your ass and say "oh, no, you're a lovely little flower". I don't know you, you might look like someone smashed a witch mask on the ass of a baboon.
But you ain't gotta be a delicate little flower. You just gotta be you. That's it, that's the sum total of what you owe the world. If you're a big, hairy, ugly lady, then rock the fuck on! The world would be a shittier place without you. You should meet my aunt Beverly. Cis woman, and she looks like an older, uglier version of me. But the world would suck without her, and her deer hunting, beer chugging, cow punching, retired welder ass.
You may be an annoying motherfucker in person, I have no clue. But the world would still be worse off without you. We need annoying motherfuckers to remind the rest of us that, to someone, we're annoying too.
I can't stop you from feeling what you're feeling. I can't change your mind about anything. All I can do is tell you that even if you're twice as bad as you think you are, you're also twice as good as you think you are. I know that because you're trying. You're trying to get through and be better and make your life the way you want it. Too many people don't have the balls to do that.