cw sucidal thoughts
spoiler
I just feel like in general no one cares about me, and I think it's time I admit that everyone in my life exept maybe my mom is better off without me, and that me being dead would be seen as a blessing one day. I know it's my fault me and my friends drifted apart, everyone thinks im weird once again but no one says anything cause I am suicidal, the truth is I should of kept my depression to myself, and tried to remain as a far away emotionally as possible instead I told them about my truama and how I felt. That was such a huge mistake, no I feel like everyone avoids me, and tbh I am huge werido who does not deserve to exist, I am "trans" which means taking hrt and looking like a man, dispite being on hrt for 3 years my genetics are cursed and I look like a cursed crossbred ass creature instead of a person, I am an abosute disgrace to the trans community. but anyway I told my friends that I was sucidal and they did the usual worry, but I realize now that they genunely think I am weired, also I am austisic and extwermely socially awkward. I honestly feel like I am perhaps worse than chris chan maybe. I genunely am aware though and actively hate myself for what I have become. today it really hit me when no one was interested in letting me use their phone charger cause of course my peice of shit self left it at work and will likely have to buy a new one now. I have curly hair but my dumb ass did not maintain it and now it's matted beyond anything I can do myself, I am exteremly broke due to some car related shit and cannot afford to get ap rofessintal invovled, if my mom saw it she would panic cause she would know I was depressed but she handles my depression by being depressed about it, so I don't think she will help me. In terms of methods, ive considered a couple, one was to try to shoot myself in the head with a 9mm, however I have seen videos of survivors of shooting themselves and I feel like I would be misrible, I have also considered maybe crashing my car at high speeds into a solid object, I drive a pruis so it would take a minute to reach 100mph if it can even get there and I am not even sure if that would produce enough force to kill me. I am genunelly intrested cause I don't really see a way out anymore. everyone secretly hates me, and I genunelly have nothing else to turn too, no one who cares honestly.
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I genuinely hope you may find peace and happiness