Ask Lemmy

oh there are lots of ways.

unfortunately a lot of the time, it doesn’t get any easier.

that being said, it all starts with knowing and understanding that, if you love who you are, those mistakes helped make you who you are.

personally that helped me come to peace with the fact that i had fucked up so badly.

next is atonement to yourself and others. that means learning to prevent the mistake from occurring again in the future, helping others that you recognize are making the same mistake so that they don’t have to suffer like you did, and if you hurt someone, apologizing to that person for both their and your own healings sake. sometimes it also means apologizing to yourself.

you do have to understand, though, that people change over time. our mistakes make us who we are. and you are not the same person you were when you originally made the mistake.

last and most unpleasant advice i can give is to allow the feelings to wash over you. our brain is capable of experiencing so many emotions, and each emotion serves a very important purpose. we tend to lead lives that shy away from the unpleasant emotions, but there is value to be had in experiencing them. feeling the shame of making a mistake can drive you to never make that mistake again. that’s valuable, even if it is unpleasant for a time.

signed, a guy working his ass off to be a perfect candidate for a liver transplant after a series of stupid shit decisions and drinking occurred during a divorce and a layoff.

it gets better bro.

Shit happens, I've made plenty of mistakes and still do make lots of mistakes and I will keep making lots of mistakes. The goal is to learn from them so as to not repeat them, instead of letting them haunt you for eternity...

Never worry about things you can not change. From what you ate last night, to that one thing you might have done differently that would have changed your life completely; it does not matter one bit.

I believe you need to experience something truly life altering to really, really understand what this means to the fullest extent possible. It is an easy idea to dismiss as simple common sense or obvious. If you are forced to confront this head on with some event that massively alters your life, this ethos takes on a whole different contextual meaning. I wish I could convey the true power of this in words. I see it as a major life lesson. NEVER worry about things you can not change.

Also, feeling stupid about some mistake is something to value, and not a reason to belittle yourself. Feeling stupid, like you would like to make a better choice, is a sign of growth, or at least the opportunity for growth. Always remember, truly stupid people never feel stupid.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

Unless you're a sociopath, nobody gets up in the morning intending to screw up. But we all do. Because we're human. We're not perfect. We fuck up.

So stop being so hard on yourself. On any given Thursday, you're doing the very best you can. Shit happens. Move on. Forgive others when they hurt you just like they forgive you. Forgive yourself. Because nobody's perfect. You're doing the best you can.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

Unless you can right it, the deed is done. Dwelling on "What if?" just stops you from asking, "What now?"

I tell myself that I have to forgive myself so I can do better, otherwise I'll stay upset and have bad reactions. Also think of yourself in third person and see how that person is trying to be better and they need help.

Doing these things is not easy and may take some practice on your part, but for me it boils down to the following process:

• be honest with yourself and others, and own up to it, don't try to pretend it was somebody else's fault. Apologise to those impacted if you need to. Accept the consequences.

• figure out what you can learn from it - not necessarily the specific details of this mistake but what you can do next time in similar circumstances to avoid making the same sort of error.

• stop wishing for a better past - it won't happen, so move on.

Do better. Know in your soul you won't hurt people again. Whatever led you down the path to the mistake that makes you feel guilty, fix it. If you weren't paying attention, start paying attention. If you weren't thinking of other people, start thinking of other people.

Overtime your sense of a self-identity will be able to defend yourself from those memories, yeah that was really cringy, but I'm a better person now.

If you're aware of the mistake, and what you did wrong, you're now living with the knowledge on how to avoid making the same mistake in the future. You still exist in the here and now, and are free to continue forward in life, knowing you're better equipped to overcome adversity than you were before.

I try to think of my past mistakes as vaccines. They may have hurt, caused me discomfort, and even make me feel regret or shame to this day, but I lived through it and it made me stronger because of it. Like a vaccine, it equipped me for something more imposing that might come up later in life. It helps me think of the silver lining- that without these mistakes, I would be much more naive, and far more prone to making an even more disastrous mistake later in life, much like how refusing a vaccine will make you more prone to a deadly disease.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I listen to the Sunscreen Song when I'm wrestling with things like this. The quote from it that applies here I think would be

"Don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance... So are everybody else's"

Depends on the mistakes, some things were mistakes in hindsight, i don't feel bad about those. some mistakes are made because people lied, cheated or otherwise giving me wrong input, then I won't feel ok, these where not really mistakes. Then there are the mistakes I my self make, I'll try to fix them my self, sometimes other people need to clean up my mess, I'm very sorry when that happens. I apologise profusely but I also know my skills were not up to the job and I need to do better next time ( if I get the opportunity). I mostly (over)think before I do so I won't make very obvious mistakes. occasionally I do make mistakes due to being lazy, it bites my ass and I have to solve the shit twice. and because im lazy as hell, I really really hate doing things twice.

Turn and burn baby!

Don’t kill the present moment by thinking about the past.

Learn from them, and don't repeat them.

There is no going back, no re-do. So you have accepted that you made the mistake. You make it up to yourself by being better now.

The fact that you consider whatever you did a mistake is a good thing. It means you've already learned.

As with most things, it depends on the mistake. Sometimes you can fix things, or apologize for what happened, and sometimes there really isn't anything you can do. Whether too much time has passed, or the mistake is unfixable, sometimes you have to understand it, learn from it, and let that turn you into a person who wouldn't make the same mistake.

When it comes to forgiving yourself, I don't have an answer. I think talking about it with someone close might help, whether it's a therapist, a pastor, your parents, or your best friend. Getting someone else's perspective on it can help.

Best of luck

I usually tell myself "Let the dead bury the dead. Who's alive?" in loud voice, when the mistake pops up in my head. Then I look for why I'm thinking about this - am I about to do it again?

It works for me because it forces me to focus on the present.

I haven’t.

I did some really shitty stuff to a lot of people I cared about, to the point where reaching out to apologize would do more damage than good. It’s a burden I’ll have to carry for the rest of my life and more than anything I’ve come to accept that.

Try to be better, try not to repeat the same mistakes. But there’s no secret to forgiving yourself. The only way that comes is with time.

Framing helps. I came up with this mantra when helping a friend with this issue:

It's a lesson, not an an albatross.

Apologize, it's not always easy but in the long run people will respect you for it. Either that or let it eat at you from the inside out for all eternity. I've done both, I recommend the former

It depends on the mistake, but you have done your part if you’ve learned from it and made the effort to make up for it if necessary. The rest is no longer your problem.

It's okay to feel guilty for the behavior, it's normal, and you should learn and grow from your mistakes. It may still haunt you because you still have lessons to be learned from what happened.

I assume you are not asking about small mistakes of no consequence, but rather big important stuff.

When it happened to me, I kept saying that it can't be in vain. I made a del with myself, that I need to come out the other end better than I was before. I used those negative emotions to change myself and my life in a positive way.

For example, I quit smoking, started doing sports and improved my career all bases on some pretty bad stuff that I did.

I hope you too will find a way to manage.

By understanding it. If I understand why I did it, and why it was a mistake, I can avoid it in the future.

I don’t, I just live with the guilt and sorrow and regret.

I'm not a psychologist but judging from what you say, you seem to be at the phase of acceptance.

If you haven't and still can, you should apologise to whoever you hurt, even if that's yourself.

Recognise what led you there, what where your thoughts and feelings that made you do it. Then try your hardest not to do it again.

Don't beat yourself up over it, everyone makes mistakes, big and small.

Let the mistake change you for the better, mistakes are the best and most effective teachers if you decide to listen to them.

Move on, but make sure to understand and forgive yourself and to let the mistake improve you.

I don't believe in free will so there's no point at ruminating in past mistakes. I couldn't have done otherwise. I'm now just telling myself a story which makes me feel bad but achieves nothing else.

And no. This doesn't mean I can do whatever and not take responsibility. If I intentionally hurt other people then yeah I could not have done otherwise but it does make me reflect on what kind of person does that.

Meditation and Talking

When meditating about it you spend time thinking about it. Usually, we do not want to think about bad things. We do not spend time thinking about the bad stuff. When you are afraid of thinking about it, you may face the fear and might lose, or at least relax, it.

When talking about a topic you spend time with it. You think differently when you talk and not only think. You may talk to yourself, to an imaginary person, or a real person. There's also a difference between if the other person responds, or not. It's usually sufficient, or even better, if the other person does not respond at all but only listens. There are even groups where the people only listen to you. They are called "emotions anonymuous". Beware that it's cult like and there's a lot of religious talking but it's the most popular group, if you find something similar without the religious crap, go for that.

Drawing

You may draw about the stuff you think. You do not focus on the thought primarily. It just gives a different angle to the topic.

Might be silly but I say the mistake aloud. Somehow I just feel better instantly

I just sort of let it go and join the background of life experiences. My brain already knows to remind me of a mistake when it's truly relevant, so why dwell?

Obviously this isn't great advice for those struggling... but it's what works for me. Not to brag, but I have an astoundingly bad memory, so not remembering things is kind of my forte.

Haha, I don't make mistakes! 😅

(I ignore them and never make the same one again)

about a third of this comment section is incredibly unhelpful by repeating that "shit happens" when you clearly just said you know that. in my case, you talk it out with someone, and either of two things can happen. you find someone who'll help you with it, or someone who'll shit you with it. if the latter happens, repeat. if the latter happens many times over eventually you'll grow desensitized to it and the dread will kinda just disappeared. mind that things may work differently for everybody so maybe this will not work with you, but why not try it out.

you don't, it stays at the back of your head and it'll haunt you at random times.

You overcome them by writing about exactly what you did wrong and exactly how you’re going to avoid it in the future. The more detail the better.

A mistake that still bothers you is, essentially, a mistake you don’t yet understand.

First accept that there is no returning to how things were before the mistake. This is key to moving on.

Then, if your mistake hurt others, apologise to them. Don't expect forgiveness, remember there is no going back to how things were. Just know you have done what you could to make things right.

Now reflect on the impact it had on your life and what you can do about it, and by this I do not mean what happened, I mean how it affected you: failef an exam? The solution might not be to retake the exam.

Finally understand that it is now behind you, and focus on how not to repeat it in the future, and what you can do to mitigate the impact it had on you or others.

like everyone is saying, you have to frame it differently. what works for me is "you either win or learn". there's no such thing as losing when you are smart enough to know what you did wrong so you don't fail again.

this took months for me to finally grasp and i feel much better for it

Use it as an expensive learning experience. Change yourself so you don't make that same mistake again.

Maybe not the most healthy but I let it haunt me until I'm worn out then I stop caring... for the most part.

Play lots of chess games and it'll get easier.