chat

As a matter of fact, don't make eye contact, and generally avoid being in my field of view. Until I've had my coffee that is.

I will walk into the office with my retinue, single file, each man and woman armed and trained in the ways of ritual combat. You will address only the lowest ranking among them. You may ask them how my day has been. They will answer either in the affirmative, with a singular nod, or in the negative with a backhand slap. It will likely be demanded of you that you relinquish any food items or jewelry in your possession. But only if I haven't had that coffee though. Because then I'm just a normal guy you can talk to, no big deal.

I may on occasion be surrounded by DARK SWIRLS of WARP ENERGY which appear UNNATURAL and REFLECT NO LIGHT WHATSOEVER. If you approach, one may begin chasing you. Upon catching you it will begin feeding on your happiest memories. Escape is not likely. So you best wait until I've had my coffee before you talk to me!

One telltale sign that I haven't yet had my coffee is that plants nearby me are rapidly wilting. The same will obviously happen to your intestinal flora if you get too near, causing immediate health complications. After I have ingested my morning coffee however I am able to remain in the vicinity of plants with no deleterious consequences.