1
34
submitted 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Hello all! Hope you’re having a good time on Lemmy.

As the total number of users grows across all instances, this community will need more moderators to be able to keep up with its goals and user safety. That’s why we are currently looking for 2 extra moderators to join in!

I believe in communities being moderated by human beings, with great transparency, diversity and with a genuine desire for keeping the community open. If you’re interested in joining us, please PM me with a message (the size of which is up to you) containing the following information:

  • Why do you want to join as a moderator for /c/Relationship_Advice?

  • During what timezones are you most likely to be active on Lemmy?

  • Do you have any experience as a moderator? If not, what do you feel might be the biggest challenge?

  • What’s a fun fact about your favorite animal, writer or piece of artwork/entertainment?

  • In your own words, what do you feel like a Relationship_Advice community should be able to provide users? And what should be its main objective?

Thanks to all applicants and, most importantly, thanks to all our users. I hope you enjoy your time here.

I’d also like to use this post to announce that, while our rules remain the same, our sidebar now contains a clear description of how bans will occur and any possible exceptions, aiding in our goal of maximum transparency.

Have a nice day!

2
36
submitted 4 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

This is a weird deal even for me, so I apologise beforehand if anything ends up being unclear in the text.

For a bit of context, she and I used to be high-school class mates and got along very, very well. Used to hang out constantly, became very close, she even became my first significant non-familial, non-platonic affection (dunno what else to call it given when it started developing). Didn't go anywhere due to circumstances at the time (and mostly because I didn't even know what to do with it) but we remained close friends and grew even closer.

In our last year, though, I started dating my first long-term SO, and I drifted away from my best friend (ex was very jealous, so I stupidly reduced all contact with the people I knew would trigger that in her). We then both left for Uni (I moved to the other end of the country, she went abroad) and stopped communicating entirely.

It's been almost two decades since then. We'd met up a decade ago and chatted for a bit when she spent some time over here, but it was very awkward and, honestly, irrelevant as far as where we'd been before that. I was an emotional mess at the time, so basically nothing more than a steaming heap of vaguely anthropomorphic meat.

Last week I got a connection request from her on my professional profile, completely out of the blue - for added context, my presence on Socials is minimal-to-none, mainly only accounts which don't carry my real name. I accepted it thinking nothing of it, then shortly after she sent me a message. Told me she started having a reocurring dream in which I was always present but wasn't talking to her because I was upset with her, and she got worried that it was the same in real life (I repeat, we haven't talked for pretty much two decades). I told her honestly that I had no reason whatsoever to not want to talk to her and that I wasn't upset with her in any way (never been).

We switched apps, then continued to text semi-regularly. It was awkward at first, lotsa' long pauses between texts (1-2 days) as we've both been busy, but yesterday we both caught a break and spent pretty much the entire day texting. Chatted about a lot of random things, about life, swapped a lot of music (I always loved her taste), basically got back in the old groove.

And that's the problem, apparently. I got very excited, she did, too. Also got flooded with memories of our dynamic from back then, because it seems to not have skipped a beat. Same dry yet goofy sense of humour, same wonderfully complex conversations, same feeling of it being safe for me to be open and honest with her. Conversations with her really are a treat, she always made me want to be better, to think harder and deeper, to be honest with both of us. We'd both remarked how much we've missed talking to each other even though neither of us had thought about it until now.

I woke up today at 4AM with a flutter in my chest and I suddenly realised I'm falling in love with what I'm now "seeing" of her. It's a lot of forgotten familiarity which still applies, apparently, but also the ways in which she's been shaped by these past two decades. We've both gone through a lot and did a lot of growing, but we're still very much the same people we used to be when interacting with each other. Feels kinda' like some old seeds finally managed to hit dirt and take root.

I don't think I want this, though. I see it as yet another hopeless romance on my end, and I'm very tired of these... I don't know how to proceed with the situation, to be honest. If circumstances were different, I'd probably shoot my shot and be done with it (i.e. be honest about my feelings) after letting things settle a bit, but given we're several countries apart with no plans of moving any time soon and relatively established lives, I don't see how anything would even be possible between us. I'm talking hypotheticals here, with the biggest one being that I don't even know what's going on on her end (although my naturally pessimistic tendency is to say "absolutely friggin' nothing, you dumb idiot") - still a bit blindsided by the sudden reappearance, yes, but I simply have to think things through clearly, which is why I'm considering every aspect I can think of. It does feel really nice having her in my life again, though, and I can tell she feels the same way about it. Plus she literally told me that.

To clarify, I'm not jumping to any conclusions, I'm not daydeaming about it, I'm actually in Hypervigilant Problem Solving Mode, because I really don't want to hurt myself with things like this anymore. This is a reaction related strictly to what I feel right here and now.

I ask and thank you for any possible thoughts, advice, anything you have for this.

P.S.: as another potentially relevant variable, unfortunately, I get over Love™ slowly, and it's usually a difficult process for me. I tend to pour all of my heart into the people I love (I'm passionate, this is how I feel it, not complaning or looking to change it), so it's hard to recover even after brief/light episodes. I usually need to play things tactically, and the only thing which has worked so far has been cutting all contact.

P.P.S.: I wasn't even looking for romance, ffs... I just want to get my life in order...

3
38
submitted 5 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

My (29M) online friend (30's F) has been flirting with me. She says her only intention is to boot my ego, but the way she is talking to be seems to be more than that. She will constantly message me and ask me to do things with her in game all the time. She also seems to want to know more about me, but any time I try and ask about her, she kind of brushes it off or changes the subject. She spent an entire day telling me that she had a crush on me (for a year??) and everything that she liked about me (the exact list will make this post too long). I really appreciate what she says, but I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster trying to figure out what exactly she wants. I have tried asking her, but it's usually either ignored or the subject is changed. I do not want to cut ties, because she is an integral part of the group of friends I play with and I don't want things to be awkward, but I really don't know how to move forward with this situation. Any advice, even if it's brutally honest, is welcome.

4
-11
submitted 4 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Hey guys I know this is weird, but my story is I have like more than 5 insta. acc. Only 2 of them are public and the other are private, anyways I have been stalking my ex-bsf insta. acc. for almost a year and a half, from one of my private account, but she didn't appeared at all in the suggested or discover ppl for this year and a half , anyway in the past month I decided to massage her on my telegram acc. to forgive her, and she apologize to , but then we got into a discussion to know why our friendship ended from our point view ,I got pretty angry from this conversation so I deleted the chat for both parties in telegram anyway after that I went and changed my bio on my telegram acc. and put the user of my main public insta acc. So in the past 2 weeks I've been kind of cutting back on visiting her profile,get busy with my life even tho I am kinda heartbroken anyways before 1 day I was on my main public account(the one that I put it in my telegram acc. bio) watching stories suddenly suggested ppl appeared and I rolled the dice surprisingly her account popped up on the suggested ppl, anyway I went out and back to the app 3 times in all the 3 times when I rolled the dice she appeared in those 3 times,also to discover ppl and appeared 2 times not only on my public account she appeared ,she appeared in all of my 5 account even in some acc. that I didn't search on her, Also I blocked her in one of my private acc. after I unblocked her she didn't appeared but after a while she appeared again in this private acc. as the 1st person in the suggested ppl so idk is she stalking my account without my knowledge or am I just imagine?? (Note:my ex-bsf acc. Is private and we don't have friends in common,I synced her number a while ago but her acc. never showed up and my insta acc. isn't connected to my Facebook acc. Also my ex-bsf she is over from our relationship along time ago , also I didn't see fakes account in my story views)

5
24
submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

I’ve been making new friends recently and going out with them. One of the times a bunch of us (me included got really drunk). I was all over this one guy putting my arm around him and leaning towards him in between his legs while he was sitting down. I don’t remember if we kissed or if nothing else happened.

Anyway, we went out another time and he asked me if I thought we were going to fuck. I didn’t know what to say and said maybe, and he said that he thought we would, and then I agreed with him (because I do like him).

But now I keep thinking about that and wondering if I need to do something to make that happen. Like text him or something. I just feel nervous because I’ve never texted him before (we’ve only been in group texts together). And I feel like if I do text him I’m going to fuck it up, because this (having mutual interest with someone in person) has pretty much never happened to me before so I don't really know how to navigate the situation at all. Please help.

6
28
submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Several things going on here, and they all blend together.

  • She really, really thinks she's ugly. Nothing debilitating I guess, but enough to scare me off talking about it.

  • Apparently braces are a Filipino thing, for young girls. She's 54. Being Asian, she looks more like 40, still...

  • I think the above stems from the vanity of showing, "I'm rich enough to afford dental care and braces make me look young."

  • Her teeth are perfect. When we started dating I asked how much longer she would have to wear them (bottom teeth only). She laughed her ass off like I was so silly! Said it was a fashion thing.

  • She's very fashionable, so I feel like mentioning the thing would be a direct assault on her self esteem. No problem saying this or that does or doesn't look good on her, but this feels way more personal than talking about a dress.

  • Now that we've been together a couple of years, I'm scared shitless she will think I found her ugly this whole time. Despite the fact I worship the ground she walks on. Daily.

  • No clue on the cost and we're broke ATM. Maybe wait till I have a good job again?

Before anyone says it, of course we can speak freely to one another, just a sticky case for the reasons outlined. I feel removing her braces is the one thing she could do to be more attractive, and that would be a pretty (heh) big deal. We both put in the effort to be attractive to one another, that's no big deal. But this one thing feels out-of-bounds, verboten.

Can't answer till tomorrow. She's off work in a minute.

7
66
submitted 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

My mom is 78 and she has been guilt tripping me to be her care taker. She is currently living with my brother to help raising his kids.

She constantly tells me once they are old enough, she will move in with me so that I can take care of her.

The thing is I don't know if I am capable. I can't guarantee the future.

I also don't want to shoulder the financial burden. She has money but she wants me to pay for her expenses so that she can leave (my brother's) a generous inheritance. She always tellsd me I won't get anything since 'i have no kids and I have enough money, and he needs more."

Now we are not talking. It hurts. Why can't she understand not everyone can be a caretaker? Why is she expecting me to help raising his kids indirectly?

8
15
submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

26m, so I've been working with her for about a year (different areas, same place) and lately I've been realizing how much I care about her, which was crazy because up until now I've only ever been in relationships with/interested in men so I also found out I'm bi. once it clicked a couple weeks ago I think about her more often than I want to. I don't plan on pursuing a relationship with her because we really don't share all that much in common and aside from me being such a hermit outside of work and not mentally available to bring any life to a relationship, she has a boyfriend several states away. I'm happy for her that she does and I just hope he gives her all the time, respect, and care she deserves. I just want that to be the end of the story, like okay, drop it now please. I just don't know how to get her out of my head like this because I appreciate having her as a friend at work and it's good enough to have had the opportunity to get to know her like that. she just radiates kindness and positivity, she could boost anybody's day, she's just her own person and there's nobody out there like her, for real everybody cares about her and for good reason. just how can I care about her a little less? even if she was single, even if I was her type, I prefer to stay single regardless so it's all pointless but I just can't seem to beat that into my brain. If you got this far I appreciate you 🙏

9
2
submitted 2 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

My friend's brother (15M) wants to kill animals like rabbits and hamsters because he finds them stupid and annoying, is it normal that he wants to kill them? Keep in mind he doesn't, but he wants to. should i be concerned?

10
6
Is our friendship worth it? (self.relationship_advice)
submitted 2 weeks ago by relation_anon4238 to c/[email protected]

Maxine and I have been friends since childhood. She went from a very energetic lesbian (though bad-tempered and rude) who quotes movies and someone I used to date to a mostly kind, devout hetero Christian who wants a Christian husband and kids. Apparently she joined a Christian "friend" group as well who forced her to repent and become a Christian so she wouldn't be a lesbian or something?? Anyway, the cons are that she's friends with people who threatened to beat me up, bullied me, etc. but she also stood up for me?

She treated me like a pet or a 5-year-old because of my autism. She called me a retard and told me it was "none of my business" when I asked why she was angry. She called me an annoying brat who no one likes and talked behind my back but she also gave me stuff, was nice to me, and stood up for me.

Is it worth the friendship because of the nice things she did? Could she really have "just" been mad?

11
7
submitted 2 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

He decided he didn't want me anymore and it's clear he used me to be his caretaker who did stuff for him but he didn't for me, so why does he message me still??

12
5
submitted 2 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

I've been having conversations with the guy I like, Kieran. We're going somewhere in the beginning of August, but I wonder when it would be awkward/acceptable to send selfies? After the hangout?

13
14
submitted 2 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

So I (22M) am a single fella and I'm not used to be flirted with nor asked out. I was the type of guy not to get any girls as I was largely unnoticed.

One of my online friends who I've been talking to, "Ana" asked me out. I didn't know what to say, so I said "Sorry, no."

I felt really bad. In reality, I did want to be asked out, but I have no idea what to say or how to be a good boyfriend. How do I ask her out without being awkward??

14
2
submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

i (20f) live with my dad and my two sisters. i feel like i have to obey the rules of my dad for obvious reasons. there's this boy (16m) my sister (15f) met and she's getting to know him. she recently asked him to hang out and he responded that he would love that.

however, my dad is very... weird about afab and amab people being together. his thinking is: guy and sister hang out -----> this means they are dating ----> guy will (somehow) get sister pregnant even when dad or i chaperone

15
10
submitted 3 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

title. how do i know if someone i dated actually wants to be my friend or if i’m just being used?? he doesn’t like me at all nor want me but he wants to talk to me so i can comfort him 24/7 because he’s always miserable. he never does stuff for me but he would always get really happy when i did stuff for him.

16
13
submitted 3 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

So, our sister (14F) has a school counselor, I believe, in her school. She is going to see her again this year. (We use we because we're plural).

The counselor says she cannot affirm the identities of people who are LGBTQ+, such as gay, bi, or under the trans umbrella. She also believes that being transgender is linked to mental illness and that she can't affirm people who are trans because it will "make their mental health worse" or something. The host is transmasc and when she referred to him as her brother, who happens to be trans, she said that he was really a girl and that in 2 years, he would "grow out of it".

In my opinion, it sounds unprofessional but I can't talk to anyone I know because they would agree with the counselor.

17
18
submitted 4 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

It makes me (18m) really sad when my bf (24m) is depressed. Sometimes he runs hot and cold and says he doesn't know if we should break up or not but then he says it feels right to be with me and he wants to stay.

Sometimes he doesn't like doing stuff for me even when I do stuff for him or doesn't like my interests much but wants me to like his. However, he can't do much of anything or talk right now because he's very depressed.

He's not like himself, and it's sort of making me feel depressed. How can I help without making myself extremely depressed too? I feel like I understand why he stopped doing certain stuff, and he says he can't show love for me like he could for his exes. He said it felt right to be my bf but that he didn't know if we should date.

18
4
submitted 4 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

I hate this. So I (18FtM) have a BF (24M) and he has been showing me less affection and not really taking an interest in my things or what I want to do. He doesn't really like my interests but it's okay, we've been getting along. Sometimes, he doesn't even know if he wants to be with me, but it's okay.

Meanwhile, I just met this guy (19M) earlier today and we're really hitting it off, although we just met. I'm starting to like him and IDK what to do because I like my boyfriend too and probably like him more.

19
49
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

My girlfriend says she doesn't like that I don't work and don't do anything to "develop myself". I have passive income that's more than enough for us to live rather comfortably in the city I live in. I pretty much support her at the moment, as well as myself, but she says she doesn't want to get a job because I don't have one, and that annoys her that I'll be able to sit at home and do what I want or just be busy with my hobbies.

I told her that I'm not forcing her to work, and even if she does work, she would only have to work like 2 days a week, not even a lot, but she says that it would bug her that I'm just sitting at home.

I get that she has the right to want someone who has ambition, but I also have the right to just live on what I have.

I told her that I'm willing to cook and clean and do most of the house work, but she says that she can do all of that by herself.

I'm assuming this is a Nobody Is the asshole situation?

20
26
submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

Hey all, hope everyone is doing well.

I’m curious if anyone out there has made a conscious decision to not date or be in a relationship anymore.

If so, what was your rationale? Do you feel it was the right decision? If you’re currently considering it, why?

21
34
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

I made a throwaway so as not to clutter my main. I'm a bit sad but he doesn't want me to feel bad. He keeps me so he's not lonely, but he doesn't know whether or not he wants to break up and just strings me along, I guess. "I love you" one minute, "let's break up" the next. My mom says I'm being played, IDK.

I don't even know what we are because he keeps trying to walk out of the conversation and he doesn't care about my interests or what I want. I've tried talking to him, he says it's the way he is. Also, he gives me words of affirmation but apparently my brain says that's not enough. I don't know anymore. Just venting, ugh.

22
9
trouble with bf?? (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

my bf insinuates we break up or saying he can't show affection for me, bringing up breakups, etc. he also seems kinda out of it a lot.

he'll say he's uncomfortable in the relationship (uncomfortable dating, not because of me, i don't think) or wants to make sure he'll be good for me but then says he doesn't wanna talk about it or just brushes it off and says he'll continue to date me and just deal with it because he likes me and without me, he'll have no one.

23
44
submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

My mom glorifies herself. When parents plan for children, it is the parents' job to provide for the children. They shouldn't see children as retirement plan.

My mom keeps guilt tripping me. I finally told her I can't stand her and she will need to use her money to take care of herself in the future. (I have been paying for her bills.)

What kind of parents put such pressure on their kids? She thinks she has sacrificed a lot of me. She raised me for the first twenty years. I have repaid with interest already.

She needs to stop pressing my button.

24
13
submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

I'm fully aware that only I myself can decide whether or not I'm bi, and I know I probably will eventually, but I recently broke up with my girlfriend because I realized her gender wasn't that attractive to me, and I wanted a boyfriend. Not a girlfriend. Men, I definitely prefer, and they're more attractive to me.

I thought she was attractive to me, but I view her as more of a sister or friend, which we are now (friends). Can someone help me out, please? I don't want to claim to be something if I'm not, but I'll still be an ally if it turns out I'm straight. (I'm a nonbinary genderfluid person so I'll still be LGBT).

25
78
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by FelizTheCat to c/[email protected]

I'm not really into trans people, so I only date cis men. Not trans men, not nonbinary people, and not women of any kind. However, my former boyfriend is now my girlfriend, and IDK how to tell her I don't like women without her taking it the wrong way.

I wrote:

Hey, L,

I know you're probably asleep, but I kind of needed to talk about something. I want you to know that I fully support you coming out as trans. I think it's good that you're finally your true self. However, I wanted to say that I'm straight. I'm, unfortunately, not that into women, which you are. I'm sorry, it's just my preference. Know, please, that we can still be friends and I can support your true womanly self along the way, but I'm not interested in women and I can't keep dating someone and lying about how I feel.

I hope you understand, E 🙂

view more: next ›

Relationship Advice

3200 readers
1 users here now

Welcome to the Relationship Advice community on Lemmy and Kbin!

The ideal place to ask for help with your relationships: romantic, friendships, we don't know what we are yet, co-workers or just human interactions in general.

Please make sure you read our rules before posting.

Rules:

Rules can be clicked on to be expanded.

1: Treat all users with respect. [!]

The goal of this community is helping OP and readers, not making fun of them. We are an inclusive community, any sort of disrespect towards ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, etc, will not be tolerated.

2: Mark sexual content as NSFW. [!]

Posts containing mentions or descriptions of sexual topics must be tagged as NSFW. This includes descriptions of sexual acts, requests for advice in the bedroom, explicit descriptions of your body and similar content.

3: All posts must be a request for advice.

All posts must be phrased as a request for advice or as a question. Sharing of stories, personal anecdotes, or past mistakes are only allowed if they're followed by a clear and relevant request for advice with the situation.

4: Provide sufficient and relevant information.

Your title and body need to contain enough information relevant to your situation, such as ages, genders, and the relationship between people mentioned. For privacy-related concerns, we recommend using fake names and broad general locations.

5: Comments must be on topic and relevant to OP.

Comments must be directly related to helping OP, asking for more information, providing relevant resources or otherwise relevant to the thread. Off-topic comments and remarks, suspicious attempts at gathering personal data from OP or other readers, or bullying will not be tolerated.

6: This is a community for requesting advice, not moral judgement.

Moral judgements, "AITA?" and other similar questions are better served by different communities.

Reddit reposts are allowed.

As a temporary measure and the result of a poll, Reddit reposts are allowed following an expanded set of rules: https://lemmy.world/post/317115

How are rules enforced and bans applied?

For the most part, this community operates under the assumption that users are acting in good faith and should be given second-chances for their mistakes. Posts and comments with very light rule violations, or otherwise undesired but mostly harmless content, can be removed by a moderator on a case by case basis without any further punitive actions.

For violations of our rules, we follow a “3 strike” system as follows:

  • 1st violation: 72 hours ban + moderator warning via PMs.

  • 2nd violation: 1 week ~ 1 month ban + final warning via PMs.

  • 3rd violation: 1 month ~ permanent ban.

The goal of this system is making sure users are made aware of their behavior before being permanently banned, but also protecting the community from any rule violations.

Exceptions:

While the “3 strike” system will be applied to the majority of situations, rules marked with a [!] in the sidebar signifies a rule that, if violated in an intentional, malicious or significant way, can warrant an immediate permanent ban regardless of the number of previous violations. This includes severe disrespect to users or groups, dangerous content, and similar.

Related communities:

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS